Originally, this article was about how much I disliked the new profile pictures I had taken. In each picture, I found something wrong with myself, from my face looking a bit lop-sided to my whole head looking like an egg. I started to rant about how I hated my face and I wished I was born differently. My whole family looks fine. Meanwhile, I was stuck with nerd face.
Of course, I also wanted some imagery in case people weren’t sure what I meant by that. The first thing I searched for: Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory. She’s the walking stereotype of nerd face! The show even joked about her looks a bunch when she was first introduced. It was perfect!
But the more I thought about it, the worse I felt. The actress isn’t wearing a big costume for that role that’s supposed to make her look weird; she just wears normal clothes and a tiny bit of makeup. If I insult the character, I’m essentially insulting the actress herself. Here I am complaining about my looks and how bad I feel, meanwhile I wasn’t thinking about how I was about to drag someone else down, projecting my own perceived faults onto them. No one deserves to be insulted like that, regardless of whether I think they look good or not.
I also realized that I never saw Amy’s actress outside of The Big Bang Theory. Her name is Mayim Bialik and I was curious to see how she presented herself, not a character. And O M G! This lady is so stunning! If you’ve never seen her outside of the show, you should definitely look her up, you won’t be disappointed. Seriously, go do that right now!
Told you! And seeing this actually made me feel a wave of hope because that means I also have a chance to look beautiful! If she’s able to transform from a nerd to a model, then maybe even I can. The only things I’m missing are personal makeup artists, thousands of dollars to splurge on cosmetics, an excellent weight loss program, and the bone structure of a cis-gendered girl!
RIP me.
But in all seriousness, it’s so easy to shower someone with genuine praise when I think they’re beautiful. If they aren’t, I don’t usually give them a second thought or even start to judge them. And once I judge someone else, well…
“If I judge others’ appearances, what’s stopping them from judging me?”
Then, that anxiety becomes exacerbated once I start taking photos. I can go from loving a picture one day to hating it the next. That moment of myself is frozen there and I can criticize everything about myself thoroughly. The more and more people see it, the more and more it becomes etched in their memory. Even when I improve the way I look down the road, people will still remember and see the ugly image of past me.
Or… maybe they won’t. Maybe I’m just so used to feeling judged that I can’t properly understand how people perceive me. Maybe people will just see the person that’s in front of them, instead of focusing on the past. And… maybe I shouldn’t be as judgmental about appearances either, including my own.
I think it’s important to know that you can still desire beauty. You can want to look your best and improve. You can also want others to realize their potential. And you can do all of it without tearing anybody else down.
Oh, and Mayim, I know you’ll never end up reading this, but sorry for saying you had “nerd face” earlier. If it makes you feel any better, you genuinely inspired me to improve not only my looks but my attitude as well.
Thank you.