If you haven’t heard about the clowns that have been popping up all across the country, you’ve probably been living under a rock. Clowns are appearing before civilians with kitchen knives and chasing them for short distances. Currently the clowns might be laying low, but with talks of a clown purge on Halloween, you can never feel too safe. It’s time that we strike back. We can’t let the clowns dictate our lives by forcing us to live in fear. It’s time that we declare a war on *clowns. Here are ways we can take them out.
*Not to be confused with people who choose clowning as a professional career and should not be held guilty by association
1) Kill them with Sadness
Clowns fight with the force of laughter. What better way to fight them off than laughter’s worst enemy: sadness. If we have a big-screen viewing of The Notebook, children dropping their ice cream, and Beyoncé announcing that she’s retiring, we are bound to take the clowns down a huge notch. They’ll realize that the force of their slapstick humor is not nearly strong enought to take down all of this sadness.
2) Throw the World’s Largest Disco Party
A major part of a clown’s identity is their afro. If we threw the world’s largest disco party, everyone would buy afros to fit in with the theme, and there would be none left for these clown-posters to wear.
3) Create a New Strain of Gaseous Tomatoes
Clown noses are also a huge part of what makes a clown a clown. If farmers created a new type of tomato that was poisonous, we could replace each and every clown nose that belongs to these harmful clowns with tomatoes that emit a harmful gas. It would not be strong enough to kill the clowns, but just scare them out of being their clown selves.
4) Host Nationwide Steak Cook-Off
Clowns have been spotted wielding kitchen knives. If we were to host a nationwide cook-off with all of the nation’s best cooks, they each would need a kitchen knife to cut their contending steaks. Additionally, if we had a large enough panel of judges, perhaps a large studio audience, they would each need kitchen knives to cut the massive steaks. There would be no knives left for the clowns.
5) Set Tree Traps
In case these options all fail, we have to take our strategy to the next level. Reports state that clowns are pulling children into the woods. If we are taking this war as seriously as the clowns are, we must set a trap to catch them. It’s not enough just to put traps in front of trees. That’s way too obvious. We must collect large groups of people disguised as trees to emulate a forest. Once the clowns are lured in, the human trees can pounce and take down the clowns. This is an extreme but most inevitably successful last step.
If we carry out each of these steps, we will defeat the clowns. We can create a peaceful and fearless world where children can roam freely and hire clowns to perform at their birthday parties. If we all join forces, we will know freedom and safety against these vile clown wannabes.