Tired of having to sort out the “nice guys” from the “bad boys”? Want to move up from one-night stand to full-time girlfriend, but unsure of how to do so? Stop worrying, because Real Live College Guy Dale is finally here to help with all of your collegiette love kerfuffles and help steer you clear of any unnecessary drama during your brief but ever-important time in college.
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about a month and a half ago. I was studying abroad in Ireland at the time, and I was completely devastated. We were having issues with fighting and insecurity at the time, but I was working on them. Yet he dumped me when things were improving. However, he never really broke contact with me. I cut him off for a couple weeks, but under the stress of classes, I talked to him because I needed a friend I could trust. We’ve never been out of contact since then.
When I returned to the U.S., the texting continued because we live 12 hours apart. Two weeks later, we returned to our university. I wanted to see him the first night I got there so I could get through the tears and return some things to him. However, we have kept hanging out since then. There has not been a day without us seeing each other for at least an hour. We pretty much still act like a couple without the cuddling and sex. He still flirts with me, and the effort is not all one-sided. He play-fights with me and annoys me to get me to wrestle with him, but it never goes further. He has been inviting himself over, and even canceling plans with his best friend to spend time with me.
I never wanted the breakup… I wanted to work through things, so this was his decision. I’m so confused by his actions. I don’t know if he’s still into me and wants to get back together (which I would love) or if he’s just messing around till someone better comes along. I don’t want to get hurt any more by this confusion; I don’t want to get my hopes up just to get hurt again. I love him so much and I want to get back together. What should I do? Is he confused or just playing me? – Confused at Campbell
Confused,
I think distance in a relationship can cause a lot of problems, simply because not everyone is cut out for long distance––even if it’s just a brief time abroad. Add previous issues into the concoction and it lowers the odds of a long-distance relationship working out even more.
As a guy who has been in a long-distance relationship, I can attest to the fact that distance is very, very fickle. On one hand, being right next to your partner for long periods of time can be exhausting and make you yearn for some time alone; this is where distance can be a friend. On the other hand, being separated from someone you love for long periods of time can drive awful thoughts into your head. You aren’t there to make sure their eyes don’t wander and sometimes you can’t be there when they desperately need you to be.
Like I said, distance is fickle.
It sounds to me that previous issues combined with the added stress of distance made him end the relationship. It also sounds to me that maybe his decision was a little rushed––a little premature, perhaps. I say this because of where the two of you are now. You’re back from Ireland, you’re both back at school and maybe the scare of actually being broken up helped fix some of your issues. Sometimes that’s what it takes.
Few guys break off plans with their best friends to spend time with girls who are supposed to be their exes. Moreover, I doubt he would want to see you every day and do the things you’ve described if he wasn’t at least partially interested in getting back together with you.
So breathe. You love him and you never wanted to end the relationship. From this point, I think your best option is to sit down with him––no cutesy wrestling, no flirting––and talk to him. I can’t stress communication enough. Ask him point-blank if he wants to get back together, or if everything you’ve been doing together counts as being back together.
If he says “yes,” you have your answer and you two can be on your merry way to… you know, “wrestling” and stuff. If he says “no,” you now have to decide if you want to continue this––whatever “this” is––and I’m guessing it isn’t. I’m guessing you want something more than just friends with benefits, which this may, in fact, be.
But I don’t think that’s the case, Confused. Like I said, I know very few men who would ditch their best friends to hang out with someone who would technically be considered an ex. I think things are going to be okay.