When I was a freshman in college, all I could dream about was going home for winter break. Though mostly due to the extreme homesickness I was experiencing, I began to realize all the little things I took for granted when I was home, like free laundry, home-cooked meals and a reliable buddy to binge-watch NCIS with.
Flashforward two years and I’m now a junior in college who likes to maintain the independence I’m used to at school. Though I’m not going to lie: it feels nice to wake up on a Sunday morning to the smell of toasting everything bagels. “When I was in high school I was dependent on my parents in a lot of ways, and now that I’ve been in school, returning to my parents’ home feels like two very different worlds coming together,” explains Hannah Renea Bumgarner, a senior at the University of Denver.
During breaks, I often find myself reverting back to old habits of telling my mom where I am going, how I am getting there, and when I will be returning. These moments infringe upon the independence I worked so hard to cultivate while at college, even if it stems from my parent’s love for me. Mackenzie Syiem, a freshman at Wofford College who also attended boarding school for most of her time in high school, explained that, “Once you go home, you have to adjust to the way your parents and family like to do things.” She continues, “It can be very frustrating to deal with your parents’ expectations of what you should do, especially since you’ve entered a phase of your life where you’ve moved away from that.”
The question becomes then, how can you balance your newfound independence with the unique dynamics that come with living at home with family? Here are some tips and tricks to navigating dynamics with your family when you are home for the holidays.
- Communicate realistic boundaries
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Even being home for a long weekend can be enough to make me want to pull my hair out. That’s why the sooner you sit down with you parents to establish your expectations and plans for the break, the better. “Make it clear that although you respect that it’s their house, you are now an independent young adult who can be responsible for your own decisions,” recommends Mackenzie.
In cool, calm, and collected terms, explain to your parents that even though you are still a growing young adult, you have become accustomed to leading a more independent lifestyle while at school. They may scoff at you and ask why, if college has changed you so much, you still can’t manage to remove your hair from the drain after you shower. (Come back to this issue at a later date.)
The point is that establishing a conversation surrounding healthy boundaries between yourself, your parents, and any siblings will speed the process of proving your independence to the beautiful souls who spoon-fed you for years. Instead of picking a fight about how you are a strong twenty-something, take a moment to brainstorm what you want to say, and don’t forget to show respect for your parents and listen to what they have to say.
- Dating while at home
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This shouldn’t be all that relevant during COVID-19, but things can get a bit more complicated when you bring significant others into the mix. Whether you’re in a steady relationship or want to bring a Tinder date back home, it may make things less awkward if you have an honest conversation with your parents about your social life. Although this may be awkward at first, being forthright with your parents will pay off in the long run. Even if they don’t want a date coming back to your house, asking first will more likely result in them eventually feeling comfortable with your SO or date visiting, as opposed to waking up on Saturday morning to a random person drinking coffee with almond milk from their favorite mug.
- Explore your hometown
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I am 101% a morning person which means I relish in sun salutations and overnight oats to start off my day. While practicing these morning traditions can be a lot easier while at college, it is helpful to branch out from your childhood room. Hannah Renea says, “I make sure to have time to myself every day if I can, whether that’s by taking a walk or quietly reading in a corner of the house.”
Although there is nothing I look forward to more than sleeping in my own bed during break, I often opt to head to my local library or a nearby coffee shop to do homework. I might break up my day with a spin class at a local studio or go on a walk around my neighborhood. If your high school friends also happen to be home for the holidays, then this is a great opportunity to meet up for a meal. This is not to say that I don’t still pencil in time to hang out with my parents, but it is helpful to strike a balance between relaxing at home, where your parents may start to do everything for you, and leaving the house for brief periods of time in search of your independence.
- Get involved
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Depending on how long your break is (and how many all-nighters you pulled that semester), it may be worth pursuing a volunteer position, internship or job while at home so you can stay busy and have a sense of purpose, even if it is just bagging groceries. Having a personal project to work on while at home really helps Hannah Renea maintain her independence. She explains that this project does not need to be school related, just something you are particularly passionate about. “The productivity is great for feeling validated and establishing a sense of self and identity. It’s important in those times and places where you don’t necessarily feel as independent to have something that is specifically yours,” says Hannah Renea.
- Pay attention to the little things that matter
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College is the time to find yourself. I know this sounds cliché, but it’s true. This doesn’t mean that “finding yourself” needs to stop when you arrive home for winter break with three bags of dirty laundry, Gucci tote-sized bags under your eyes, and a strong craving for your mom’s homemade risotto. Every single moment of these four years count, so why stop when you are home? Hannah Renea reminds us “to reserve time to be who you are, and don’t forget what drives you to be independent.”
I don’t want to imply that you need to add this to your to-do-list for break because, let’s be honest, no one wants to finish that list. Instead, take this break to reflect on your semester and give yourself some much needed me time. After all, nothing breathes responsibility like knowing when it’s time to take a break.
My best advice: try to stay positive. Even if you are simply lying on your bed scrolling through Instagram seeing your friend intern at a prestigious bank in Chicago, and Nicole traveling the Swiss Alps with her Anthropology class, just remember that breaks are just that: a break. Sometimes you need to return home to relax and recharge. Even if this means your parents are breathing down your neck about your major and job prospects, take a deep breath and just remember that while you may be sleeping in your childhood bedroom with your twenty-one Webkinz, you are indeed independent.