Madeira Island: perfect for falling in love, naturally, and apparently also inhabited by feral cats (and we’re not referring to the contestants).
Last night marked the seventh week of Des and her remaining bachelors’ dogged quest for love a free vacation around Europe, and as the stakes grow higher, so do the quantity of elaborate metaphors that the ABC producers attempt to pack into each episode.
One-on-One Date #1:
Flippy-Haired Airhead Brooks scored the first solo date, during which he and Des took a drive up the mountains of Portugal into the clouds.
“This is, like, literally the definition of Cloud 9.” – Brooks and Des, repeatedly throughout the date, just in case their wit was lost on us the first few times.
Brooks told Des about how he loves that he doesn’t have to think so much around her – insert joke about how Brooks never does much thinking otherwise – and the two thrust their arms in the air and shouted, “We’re on Cloud 9!” before sharing a kiss atop the mountain. Des kiss count: 1. The two then repeatedly pointed out how the moment allowed them to like, literally, break through the clouds.
“I don’t want this to end.” – Des, in a breathy whisper that made us really hope the date would end soon.
At dinner, Brooks sported a heinous cardigan and opened up about his absentee father (#DaddyIssues). After, the two headed up to the rooftop, where they shared another kiss while fireworks lit up the sky. (OMG, fireworks, get it???) Brooks unconvincingly told Des that he, like, totally wanted Des to meet his family and Des confessed that she could see Brooks as the “one.”
One-on-One Date #2:
Our favorite poet Chris took on the second solo date, and he and Des took to the water for a casual yacht ride.
“WE CAN SEE YOU GUYS.” – the other boys from the balcony as they covertly spied on the pair.
Chris commented on how “legit” his chemistry with Des was as the two took off for a deserted island. Once there, Chris challenged his title as The Most Desirable/Sane contestant on the show by suggesting he and Des collaborate on a poem together. Dr. and Mrs. Seuss put together a poem that was equal parts saccharine and mediocre before sending their creative love child off into the ocean in a bottle, where it will hopefully never, ever be found. As the waves crashed on the rocks around them, they couldn’t help but share a kiss in celebration of their incredible ingenuity. Des kiss count: 2.
Afterwards at dinner, where Chris was wearing a pair of repellant mandals and Des her second sparkly skirt of the episode (did the costume budget for this episode all go into pyrotechnics?), Chris sweated profusely while trying to work up the nerve to confess his feelings for Des. He decided to do so through—what else?—poetry, with the last line telling Des at last that he loved her. Des’s response: “Aw, how cute!”
One-on-One Date #3:
Out of ideas/the budget for dates, the tragically diabetes-riddled Michael G. and Des took to the streets of Portugal to “explore” for their date. Des told Michael that he was the sweetest person she’s ever met—which is ironic, as the poor little guy can’t even eat sweets!—and they kissed. Des kiss count: 3.
Michael suggested a downhill toboggan ride so the ABC producers could work in yet another clumsy metaphor. (Because, you know, it’s all out of your control and you just have to see what happens and it apparently involves screaming like a little girl the entire time…or something…)
Des wanted to see some vulnerability from Michael G., and luckily he brought his A-game to dinner, touching upon everything from his absentee father (#DaddyIssues), to his diabetes (#GlucoseIssues), to his cheating ex. Ugh, so much tragedy! And here we thought the worst pain this guy had to contend with was daily insulin injections.
The Two-on-One Date:
The only date left of the evening was the two-on-one with Delicate Drew, who was less than thrilled about the situation, and Zak Looks-like-he’s-40 W., who was, like, so ready for the challenge. Zak, please do less.
Des made the two race for her affection with a racecar challenge (#METAPHOR), during which Zak, as usual, tried too hard and Drew was too delicate to match him.
As the victor, Zak got the first chance to woo Des during their alone time, during which he revealed the sketchbook he put together of all their memories (because he’s totally an artist now). We think it goes without saying that we didn’t care for the gesture.
Afterwards, Drew got his chance with Des, where he told her that he’s in love with her (because Drew definitely likes girls. Like, no question about it) and Des wondered if he could be the “one,” too. (We agree, Des, Drew would totally make the best husband gay best friend.) Then they kissed. Des kiss count: 4.
The Rose Ceremony:
In the end, it was the tragic Michael G. who was sent home and, tragically, he was a complete gentleman about it. He called his mother on the way home to tell her that, in an unexpected tragic twist, she wouldn’t get to meet the girl of his dreams after all. Ugh. So tragic.
Can’t wait to meet all these families next week.
Photo sources:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lincee-ray/the-bachelorette-recap-season-9-episode-7_b_3565174.html