The bachelors have officially taken their love international, and with them they have brought their tears, their rivalries, and their constant need to vilify a fellow contestant.
Last night marked the fifth week of Des and her remaining bachelors’ dogged quest for love a reality show spinoff and the tension between the guys is becoming as thick as their skulls.
The One-on-One Date:
After shipping the crew out to Munich, poetry-writing Chris scored the solo date and, between he and Des’s Lady and the Tramp-style sausage sharing, costume shopping, and folk dancing, he managed to steal all of our hearts.
The folk-dancing-in-the-street revelry was interrupted by Bryden, who felt the need to take Des aside right then and there to let her know he would be departing the show, as his feelings for her were not progressing as quickly as he would like. As we are officially over Bryden and completely on #TeamChris now, the break was mutual.
Our new fav Chris consoled Des by reading her his latest (vaguely cringe-inducing but we love him so much we didn’t even care) poem at dinner, earning him a rose and the first kiss of the night. Des kiss count: 1. The two then swayed to the sounds of Artist of the Week Matt White.
The Group Date:
Des and the bros headed to the slopes for some good clean fun. After some casual yodeling lessons, the crew took on the hill by sled. Showoff Zak W. remarked how similar falling in love and sledding were, shortly before the guys toppled haphazardly down the side of the mountain and Drew ran Des over on his sled. To Zak W.’s credit, the comparison felt pretty accurate.
“Today was a fairytale.” – Des, like, every five minutes.
The group headed to The Sickest Igloo Ever (first the epic sandcastle in Episode 3, now this! Way to go, ABC interns) for some one-on-one time with Des. She and Brooks made some lackluster conversation before engaging in a heated make-out sesh. Des kiss count: 2. He may not have much going on up there, but that guy sure does have a great head of hair.
She and Mikey, the Guido Who from Whoville, began to hit it off outside in the snow before Zak Looks-like-he’s-40 W. creepily tangoed outside with two glasses of wine and a smile that made us certain that the inside of his head is a place we’d never like to visit. He managed to yodel Des over his way, much to Mikey’s chagrin, and enchant her with the story of his soul-searching mission. Please, Zak W., we are begging you: do less.
Not-from-Jersey James and his wool infinity scarf expressed just how confident they were feeling about the competition, making the boys question whether he is really there for the Right Reasons. Brooks even took it upon himself to spy on James’s one-on-one make-out sesh with Des (Des kiss count: 3) and it totally wasn’t weird at all because, you know, he was just looking out for her. Brooks’s flippy hair ended up scoring him a rose, temporarily assuaging his concerns.
The Two-on-One Date (i.e. Armageddon):
In the hopes of creating The Most Uncomfortable Date to Ever Happen, Like, Ever, the tragically diabetes-riddled Michael G. and everyone’s least favorite Good Christian Man Ben, who Michael openly disdains, were matched up for a two-on-one date with Des, where only one man would come out alive still a contestant on a reality dating show. (Well played, producers.) After making some comparisons to medieval battles and (possibly legitimate) threats to kill Ben, Michael decided it was his right—nay, his duty—to expose Ben as the fraud he is. So valiant! The two rode off to the date in uncomfortable silence, with Michael G. plotting his mission and Ben openly sweating.
The trio took off on the water in a floating hot tub, where the tension immediately began to build. Michael and his awkwardly broken thumb (when did that happen and why didn’t he play that up? Didn’t he see how well it worked for Brooks?) grilled Ben on his faith and the son that he only mentions when convenient while Good Christian Man Ben dodged each question with irritating tact and Des looked ready to jump ship.
The tension reached its climax at dinner when martyr Ben finally excused himself from dinner, prompting Des to take both men aside to hear their side of the drama. Ben declared once more his dedication to Good Christian Morals while Michael declared that Ben is the absolute worst. (I mean, Ben isn’t even here to make friends… How can you trust someone who doesn’t want to be friends with this crew?) In the end, Des chose Michael to take the rose, and Ben hit the road to drink his cares/supposed morals away alone in Munich and begin planning his spinoff.
The Twist:
Drew and Kasey revealed to the guys (except for the mysteriously absent Juan Pablo… Where you at, Juan Pablo?) a conversation they overheard during the group date between the guido duo Mikey and James, who plan to win the title and take Chicago by storm with their newly-acquired fame. Unsavory intentions among this crew? And here we thought these guys were all here for the Right Reasons!
The Rose Ceremony:
Feeling confident in her decision, Des decided to cancel the pre-ceremony cocktail party, eliminating Drew and Kasey’s opportunity to tattle on their fellow contestants. In the end, Mikey is sent back to Whoville, allowing not-from-Jersey James to continue on to next week and the plot to thicken.
Next Monday can’t come soon enough.
Photo sources:
http://www.buddytv.com/the-bachelorette.aspx
http://tvrecaps.ew.com/recap/the-bachelorette-season-9-episode-5/