The ending of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom left us with a lot of undying queries. Like, if scientists keep genetically modifying prehistoric creatures, could we see a Megalodon-Plesiosaurus hybrid species in the future of the franchise (tbh, that’s the only hybrid species we support)? Why does everyone apparently have a personal vendetta against this movie and bad sci-fi productions in general? And which JW: FK dinosaur would we be if we were somehow born as a poultry predecessor instead (or if the JW franchise used our DNA to splice into a new dino species, to keep things canon, obviously)?
We could calculate our dino equivalent with a thorough personality test, but the best way to determine our fossilized dinosona is by cross-matching our zodiac sign with these Jurassic baddies’ attributes.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Capricorns are known for their stringent self-discipline and self-control, which honestly just isn’t fair to the rest of us zodiac signs who constantly struggle with the urge to get tacos after seeing the first 10 seconds of a Taco Bell commercial. Currently, the moon is in Scorpio so you’re extra focused on your commitments, which basically means you’ve already preemptively retweeted and liked all your bestie’s tweets because you’re addicted to hyping up your friends and fam.
Like the family-oriented (or herd-oriented) Stegosaurus, you love your family, and you even consider a lot of your close friends as family. You might not have a thagomizer to fight off your little sister’s ex-bestie who unfollowed her on Instagram for no apparent reason, but you have the same vibrant roof lizard passion to defend your family.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
As an Aquarius, you exude confidence (it’s okay, the other signs dinos only hate you because of it). Even if you’ve never played the saxophone in your life, you’re certain that you’re the Duke Silver of saxophone symphonies.
We can’t think of a dinosaur more confident than the Carnotaurus. Not only did the JW: FK Carnotaurus have the courage to attempt to eat and run (literally) while fleeing suspiciously slow-moving pyroclastic flow, it also squared off with a f*cking Sinoceratops, in other words, Juggernaut’s Cretaceous-era grandmother.
Honestly, the Carnotaurus is the only dinosaur that comes close to your big dick energy—because that’s still a thing. Granted, does that mean you have big clit energy if you’re a woman? And would that mean your dino self would have big cloaca energy? Or would it just be dubbed Clitosaurus energy? Regardless, we have questions, and our dino sex deep dive is not yielding any answers. (Seriously, what are paleontologists actually researching if they aren’t studying dino fornication in detail?)
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
As a simultaneous selfless and emotional creature, Pisces can often be impulsive—but that isn’t necessarily a negative attribute. Like the Tyrannosaurus rex, specifically Rexy, you often take it upon yourself to fix your friends’ latest conundrums, or you at least attempt to.
Honestly, you probably think Rexy is the most relatable on-screen character in the JW franchise, seeing as she’s saved those hapless humans how many times now? Like three? It’s probably more, but you (along with Rexy) are probably the only one keeping an accurate tally.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You have the tenacity, spunk and perseverance of a ram, which makes sense because your zodiac crest is a literal ram. We can’t think of a more iconic ram-like dino than the Stygimoloch. Aside from the obvious brute, you both fearlessly strive for your goals.
Granted, a Stygi’s goals might be a little different than your own, seeing as a Stygi’s ambition is to eat as many ferns as possible, whereas your immediate goals might just be to figure out why Becca’s stylist hates her so much. (Seriously, is there some secret beef between Becca and this mystery stylist?)
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Since Mars is currently in retrograde, your typical confidence is a bit flimsy, to say the least (at least at the moment). You might feign confidence this afternoon, but later this evening you’re going to be perpetually replaying your discussions from today and second-guessing every blink you made, every cup of coffee you drank and everything in between.
Just like acclaimed paleontologists keep making flaky, and sometimes inconclusive, discoveries about the Gallimimus’ eating habits and behaviors, the parallels between you and this Therapoda are clear. And if you can mimic a chicken in any way, then you’re basically already a Gallimimus.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
As a Gemini, you’re innately curious and witty—however, you’re also a hodgepodge of chaos that puts Loki to shame (don’t @ us, chaos isn’t always bad, so get rid of your internalized chaos shame now). The only critter that’s potentially more chaotic than you is the Pteranodon, seeing as they somehow make an erupting volcano seem mundane.
Still, you’re vigorously hooked to your overflowing schedule and you’ve become a skilled multi-tasker because of that. While Rexy might be overworked, Pteranodons are committed to their busy agenda of overthrowing the humans who’ve invaded their habitat. (After all, the dinos are reclaiming their kingdom.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
At this point, every Cancer’s brand should be crying. Don’t worry: crying isn’t a bad attribute—unless you’re trying to make your non-waterproof mascara last through a day of work, but it’s also bring your dog to work day and you can’t contain your emotions. (How could you not cry in the face of sheer cuteness?) Granted, you’re also a closeted crier
because that one time your roommate caught you mid-sob while watching Casper and you have to give yourself a moment to think of an explanation just to stop the tears from wheeling up again, because “I cry about ghosts” probably isn’t a mainstream thought.
TBH, there’s no scientific data to verify if the Mosasaurus can actually physically cry, but there also aren’t any studies that disprove that Mosasaurus is a canonical crier. We’re sure the Mosasaurus uses its aquatic terrain to hide its tears whenever a minnow brushes up against it. Because giant sea monsters can be sensitive too, and some Cancers get hyper-emotional in the face of fear. (In this case, an ambiguous fish touching you in murky water.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
assholes courageous signs of the astrological kingdom: Leos are effortlessly self-assured and abuse their confidence to at least attempt to accomplish everything—which automatically makes you the Indoraptor of the JW realm. Not only do you have the self-assurance to escape whatever stressors might be presently bothering you (in the Indoraptor’s case, his enclosure), your moxie can ultimately be your demise (literally or figuratively).
Plus, your combination of charm, creativity and overarching self-confidence might as well have been concocted in a lab. (Seriously, how do Leos exist naturally?)
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Ah, the canonically chronic worker. Once you’re motivated to do something, you see that take through to completion, and that makes you the Baryonyx. If the Baryonyx has its eyes on something, not even literal lava could stop it—and that’s the same level of steadfastness that you live by your entire life.
Granted, because Mars is currently in retrograde your overachieverness is in overdrive, so you might want to chill on your usually workaholic mentality so you don’t befall your Baryonyx counterpart’s situation.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
While the Mars retrograde might feed into the other signs’ characteristic impulses, the retrograde just fuels your anxiety and makes you jumpy AF. (So you might not want to watch any horror flicks this week.) Your heightened fidgetiness isn’t necessarily a bad attribute, especially since the Compsognathus is perpetually swift and antsy, and they’re born survivors. After all, you’re cautiously timid and that makes it impossible to wear you down mentally, physically or emotionally. Though, if you are successful at breaking down a Comsognathus (i.e. a Cancer) that isn’t necessarily a good thing.
Like the Compsognathus, you’re also the zombie of the dinosaur universe because you’re always accompanied by your friends and it’s impossible to get rid of you (either because your magnetic personality is unavoidable or because you’re just ~that~ bitch).
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
The Moon is currently on the cusp of your sign. Coupled with the fact that Mars is in retrograde, you’re basically an unpredictable mess—but that doesn’t mean you are your typically cunning self. (After all, you can multitask.)
While your temporary unpredictability this week might lend to your excessive moodiness, you’re still a Velociraptor. Blue’s moody as well, but she’s also a compassionate, loyal and BA bish.
The parallel between you and a Velocripator also essentially makes you Tom Hiddleston by default—because we all know he’s Blue’s stunt double. So, congrats, you now have his magnificent cheekbones and can save hundreds on contour sticks (unless you still want to contour your cheeks, and we wouldn’t blame you, tbh.)
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Jupiter, the ruling planet of Sagittarius, is further away from Earth during the current Mars retrograde, which amplifies your ambitious nature. As the typically kind-spirited person, your kindness intensifies during the retrograde, but overall you’re still blissfully generous.
Your benevolence, which is now temporarily being redirected toward your idealistic goals, clearly makes you a Brachiosaurus. Everyone loves the Brachiosaurus’ gentleness and endurance to survive
or at least attempt to.
Regardless of your zodiac sign or WTF the Mars retrograde is doing to your horoscope this week, we can all relate to different aspects of each of these badass dinosaurs from Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.