Well, folks, looks like abc family pulled off ANOTHER amazing episode this week, complete with freaky staring, kleptomania and a good ol’ fashioned funeral for kicks. Let’s discuss…
When we join the PLLs this week, they’re looking at Ian’s suicide note on Emily’s tablet while in the cafeteria. Apparently Hanna managed to take a picture of it before the police showed up. The big question they’re asking is, why would Ian kill himself right before he and Melissa were about to leave? Spencer, Aria and Hanna all feel relieved that Ian is dead. Emily isn’t so sure.
Creepy policeman Garrett comes over (apparently the police were returning evidence to the school) and tells them that Ian’s been dead for at least a week. The PLLs think that’s crazy because he was texting Melissa… oh wait… everyone in this show is crazy. They realize A must have faked the suicide. Emily’s freaked out by that, but the rest just want to forget the whole crazy mess and have fun for a while. Yeah, right. Like we would be entertained if they did that.
Emily gets a text from A: “Hey, Em. Is it just me? Or does that suicide note look familiar?” DUN DUN DUN.
Cut to: Spencer’s mom talking on the phone. Reporters have been calling all day. Melissa is sitting on the couch staring into space. I really wish she did that more often instead of acting like a crazy person all the time. Spencer’s mom reveals that Ian’s aunt doesn’t want to give Ian a funeral, so Spencer’s family has to bury him. They argue about whether to have a funeral or not right in front of Melissa. Spencer thinks they should give Ian a funeral because Melissa needs it.
Caleb is at Hanna’s house. She offers him ice in his drink and food, but then realizes she doesn’t have ice or food (THIS DETAIL WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER). He’s there to see if she’s okay after the terror of finding Ian’s body. Hanna says he doesn’t have to check on her and he gets up to leave. Then she apologizes. Asks him if he’s ever seen a dead body. He says yes. Hanna’s mom gets home and freaks out at her because she couldn’t reach her on the phone. The mom admits that whenever Hanna goes out she’s afraid she’ll never come back. It’s very sad. Caleb is right there, of course. People in PLL never seem to check who’s around them when they have deep/potentially scarring conversations.
Aria’s talking to Ezra about having an out of body experience when they found Ian’s body. He puts his hand on her leg and Jackie Molina, his ex-girlfriend, looks in. She comes in and starts talking, not letting them know that she saw them. Last week, she saw them kissing, but they don’t know that either. In fact, Jackie’s really creepy…
Aria and Ezra talk about how frustrating it is to not be able to go public with their relationship. Except they kind of have been going public with their relationship, by kissing in public AT THE COLLEGE WHERE ARIA’S DAD WORKS. Oy vey.
Meanwhile, Emily goes to get a package and recognizes the package guy, who acts weird when she tells him that she recognizes him. Inside the package is a map. They guy turns out to be Logan Reed, the guy who the PLLs met when they tried to do a “sting” with Ian.
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At Spencer’s house, Mrs. Spencer’s mom comes in and they have a heartfelt talk. She praises Spencer for working so hard and tells her that they’ve arranged Ian’s funeral. Her parents are happy that Spencer wanted to have a funeral for Ian because of Melissa. So she’s NOT a lying sociopath! Yay!! Spencer’s mom says she called the rest of the PLLs to come to the funeral, and that she realizes it was not okay to separate them and not believe what they said. There’s a touching mother-daughter hug. SO FREAKING TOUCHING!
Emily has a thought. It’s a very intense thought.
Spencer searches online for wedding rings that she can buy to replace Melissa’s, but they’re all too expensive. She gets a text from A: “Would mommy hug a thief? Tell the truth Spence, or you’ll get that ring when you least expect it.”
Someone in black tries to break into Alison’s house but Jason stops him/her. Turns out it was Aria’s brother, Mike. Jason brings Mike home, and stares at Aria creepily while she apologizes and thanks him for not calling the police. He tells her not to tell her parents, since Mike already feels bad. I’m not so sure Mike does feel bad. I think he’s just emo.
Emily pieces together that Ian’s suicide note was actually A’s texts. Like, OMG!
Hanna goes to school and apologizes to Caleb that he got caught in her and her mom’s “Eat Pray Love” moment. He says she’s lucky compared to him, as he has to deal with a horrible foster mom who still gets money for keeping him, even though Caleb lives with Lucas now. Hanna is horrified.
In English class, Emily tells the girls that the letter was made up of A texts. The girls realize Ian never confessed to killing Alison in writing.
Emily goes to Logan Reed and tries to talk to him. He tells her that answered an internet ad to deliver the package and retrieved payment from a P.O. box. He never actually met the person who hired him. The lesson here: Stay off Craigslist, kids.
Hanna sees Caleb’s foster mom yelling at him because when they went in for their social services meeting, she didn’t know enough about him and looked incompetent.
Mike and Aria talk at school. He says he was bored, which is why he broke into Alison’s house. He admits to breaking into Emily’s garage and taking camping gear. He also broke into Spencer’s and threw Aria into a wall. He’s also broken into stranger’s houses. Uh… Mike finds a life of pointless crime more fun than just playing basketball with his friends after school. He joins the ranks of the people on this show who I will never, never understand. Oh wait… that’s everyone. Mike says that if Aria tells their parents about his little crime habit, they’ll start fighting again. Aria believes him. Stupid.
Spencer gets home and almost tells Melissa about the wedding ring. She’s still staring into space. She says she was angry when Melissa chose Ian over her. Then she chickens out when her mom tells her to set the dining room table. Melissa stares into space the whole time. I don’t know about you guys, I like this version of her.
Hanna wants to wear a red dress to Ian’s funeral, but her mom bans it, saying that even if they are burying someone everyone hates, they don’t need to call attention to it. Hanna asks her mom about her grandfather’s funeral (apparently everyone hated him). The mom says she didn’t go to the funeral, even though she paid for it. She hated her father and doesn’t regret not going to the funeral.
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At the funeral, the girls are dressed totally inappropriately, with Hanna wearing a fascinator worthy of the great Ms. Middleton herself and Spencer wearing some weird string around her neck. Melissa’s still staring into space (YES). Spencer’s weirdly subdued. Emily tries to talk to her about the fact that the delivery guy she spoke to never even met Ian, and said a woman hired him. Spencer says that they need to stop being obsessed with the case. She doesn’t want anything more to do with the mystery. Nice try, Spence, but if you lost interest there wouldn’t be a show, now would there?
Ezra shows up at the funeral. He tells Aria’s parents that he needs to support the students by coming to the funeral. Aria’s mad because he wanted her to tell them they’re a couple, though I’m not sure why she wants that. I mean, even the coolest Pretty Little Parents would react badly to the news that their daughter was dating her English teacher at age 16.
Emily talks to Garrett the creepy policeman about the delivery boy. Garrett wants to know what she wants him to do. He says he’ll try to find out who the woman is, and that Emily was right to tell him. I don’t know why they trust Garrett.
At the funeral, the PLLs are the ones to throw the first handfuls of dirt on Ian’s grave. Why? I’m pretty sure it’s just abc family’s excuse to show off the girls’ outfits and play cool indie funeral music, but that doesn’t erase the fact that it makes no sense.
Aria and Emily see Jason sitting a little ways off in the cemetery. Emily’s mean about Jason, saying he’s a freak and creepy. Aria doesn’t join in, so Emily loses interest and leaves. Ezra comes over to talk to Aria, but she’s still mad that he didn’t tell her parents. He says it wasn’t the right time, and she says she really needed a hug from him. He doesn’t give her one. SCORNED! Aria decides that Jason is more mysterious and walks over to him.
Hanna goes to school after the funeral so that she can talk to Caleb’s foster mom, Janet. She says that she knows about their deal (Caleb gives Janet money and she leaves him alone) and that if she doesn’t stop, Hanna’s mom, a senior partner at Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz, will haul her into court. Apparently Janet’s not up to date on her designer names, because she buys this and stalks off in a huff.
Aria and Jason talk. Jason says he gave Mike a pass because Alison used to threaton to turn him in all the time. He says he was jealous of Alison, and that his parents can’t even look at him because they lost the wrong kid. It’s very emotional and Aria feels terrible. Then, the bomb: he says it feels so good to know it wasn’t him that killed Alison. He was super high the night of her death and remembers nothing. He woke up the next morning with a terrible hangover and a note that said, “I know what you did.”
Aria, seeming to forget everything he just said, starts asking questions like, “Who gave you this? What does this mean?” As if he would know. HE REMEMBERS NOTHING FROM THAT NIGHT, ARIA. COME ON. He doesn’t know, but he says that he thought it meant he killed her. He says that Ian’s confession changed everything. Aria’s like, “Wow, mad awk, because actually that confession wasn’t real, it was made up of texts from a mysterious figure that only me and my friends know about.” Except she doesn’t really say that.
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Spencer goes to talk to Melissa, who tells her that the baby is a girl. Melissa apologizes for choosing Ian over Spencer. She says she feels terrible about lying, but that she thought Ian was innocent. Spencer sees an opening to tell Melissa about the wedding ring, saying, “We all make mistakes!” but Melissa cuts her off. She wants to tell Spencer a secret. “There’s something… that you don’t know…”
“This baby isn’t Ian’s, it’s the devil’s.”
“I was diagnosed with crazy satan sister disorder three years ago, but I don’t take my medication.”
“I’m A.”
Those are the things I WISH Melissa had said (props to my sister for the first one), but sadly a phone rings in Spencer’s bag before Melissa can finish.
It’s Ian’s phone! Someone must have planted it in Spencer’s bag the night the PLLs found Ian’s body. Melissa flips out, all secrets forgotten, because she thinks Spencer sent her texts from Ian’s phone. She says that she’ll never, ever forgive Spencer. It’s intense, and despite what I said about her staring into space, it’s good to have our friend Psycho Melissa back.
Aria’s mom and dad talk about how terrible Ian was. The mom feels bad because she thought Ian was nice, and he was a coach at her children’s high school. “I guess we see what we want to see.” Mike shows up and asks her to stop washing his sweatpants. He’s a grade A tool.
Garrett drops off money for Logan Reed, the delivery guy. Then he calls Jenna and says everything’s taken care of—so Jenna was the one that hired Logan.
Cut to: Hanna’s house. Caleb is waiting there for her (how does he get into her house? Is this safe?) and says he wanted to come check on her. He also has ice and Chinese food for her (I TOLD YOU THAT DETAIL WOULD BE BACK LATER). He tells her that Janet gave him money. Before he leaves, he kisses Hanna on the head. He knows about Dolce, Gabbana and Leibowitz. Hanna stops him from leaving and they start making out. YAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAAAY!!!! This is all I’ve ever wanted from this show.
Emily gets home and gets a text from A: “Sometimes the shortest distance from Point A to Point B is the long way around.”
She looks at the map she got in the mail again which was a map of the cemetery.
The PLLs go to the cemetery. Spencer’s over her, “I’m done with this thing” phase now that she mysteriously has Ian’s phone. They don’t know that Ian killed Alison, and they realize that all the clues that led them to Ian came from A, who is not known for being helpful, ever.
They get to Alison’s gravestone and there’s suddenly creepy laughter. The video of Alison and Ian is projected onto a grave. AHHH! But there’s more to the video. Alison was still alive by the end of it! They look for the projector, but they can’t find it. The mystery continues on the prettiest little show around.
