'The Bachelorette': A Definitive Ranking Of Becca's Final 9 Suitors

We're five weeks in, and Becca has narrowed down the pool to nine amazing guys. Okay, it's more, like, a handful of basic bros, a Potterhead, two guys with potential, and a convicted felon. You go, girl! Here's what Becca's working with...

9. Lincoln

Yeah, sorry not sorry. Lincoln is in last place because he literally couldn’t be more of a walking red flag. If you’ve been living under a rock, Lincoln is not only an obsessive creep but also a convicted felon. The more you know! Becca, girl, I know you’re not that perceptive when it comes to guys (#Arie) but COME ON. You should have sent this guy home, like, yesterday. 

8. Chris

Chris is that boy in second grade that got the swings banned from the playground because he was dumb enough to get kicked in the head, but even more annoying. Under the whole I’m-from-New-York-But-I-Live-In-Florida-Yeah-I’m-Actually-From-Florida act is a guy exactly as obnoxious as you would expect.  Ever since his date with Becca at Capitol Records, he’s convinced he’s Frank Sinatra reincarnated and acted like he totally owned the group date  where they had to write a song and perform this week.  Spoiler Alert, Chris, you were just as bad as everyone else. He was then DEEPLY offended that Becca didn’t seek him out immediately and offer him a Grammy. Sad! 

7. Colton

Becca literally only picked Colton for the one-on-one date because she knows Tia is watching this episode to check up on him and see whether or not she can booty call him yet. The whole date was just Becca and Colton riding camels around a dusty enclosure and hanging out in a hot tub in the middle of a parking lot, so, like, very Las Vegas. At dinner, Colton cried to Becca about his ex-girlfriend who dumped him, and continued to act like he’s not over a single girl he’s ever been with. Major. Red. Flag. 

6. Jason

Okay, honestly, there is nothing to say about Jason. He’s, like, fine? I guess? He’s the type of guy you forget you hooked up with even though you were 100% sober. Sixth place. Moving On. 

5. Connor

The fact that I had to go on the ABC website to remind myself who Jason and Connor are literally five minutes after watching the episode should tell you something about both of them. Ugh. There’s nothing wrong with him, but he’s not exactly a frontrunner either. At least he hasn’t been convicted of anything since the show stopped filming! The bar is low.  

4. Garrett 

Oh, Garrett. Ever since the first impression rose, you’ve been…there? I feel like Garrett started off really strong and, unless he steps it up, might be going home. (Unless you believe that rumor about the guy who gets the first impression rose always being the guy that wins.) Between those problematic Instagram likes and his passion for snowshoeing, I guess he’s about as interesting as you’d expect a medical sales rep to be. I seriously can’t believe this is the fourth best guy we have left. Becca, what have you done? 

3. Leo

Alright. I’m 100% convinced that Becca is only keeping Leo around until he tells her what type of conditioner he uses. Also, he’s a stunt double, so he gets points for being the only one of Becca’s suitors with a job that isn’t a complete snoozefest. He may not have much more of a personality than the other guys, but he does have a better chance of landing a Sugar Bear Hair promo deal. Get your coin, Leo!

2. Wills

Confession: I thought Wills went home, like, two weeks ago, but he really showed up this week. When wannabe New Yorker Chris (you’re from Florida, bro, chill) tried to interrupt Will’s time with Becca after already having a chance to talk to her, Will stood his ground and told him to back off. I half expected Wills to whip out his magic wand and expelliar-whatever Chris tf out of Las Vegas. Anyway, Chris backed off and Wills and Becca went back to geeking out over how they’re both Hufflepuffs or something. TBH, I’m so over adults using a Harry Potter obsession to mask their lack of personality, but Becca seems to be into it, probably because she’s guilty as charged. Second place.

1. Blake

The Bachelor franchise does not deserve Blake. He is too pure for a show that has resulted in more sexual assaults than happy marriages. I usually don’t go for, like, sales reps, but I would def make an exception for Blake. One of the only good decisions Becca has made in her entire life was giving Blake the group date rose this week. Not only is he hands down the cutest guy on the show this season, he’s the only one that genuinely seems like he’s there for the right reasons—AKA is more into Becca than growing his Instagram following. At the same time, though, he’s not so creepily obsessed with Becca that he would freak if someone tossed a picture of them in the pool, @Lincoln. Sanity is always a nice quality in a guy. Seriously, Becca, just send everyone else home, marry Blake, and flee to a foreign country that doesn’t broadcast ABC so you don’t have to see Jordan and David hooking up on Bachelor in Paradise.