This week’s episode of The Bachelorette started with Becca going on about Arie, again. Not for nothing, but the constant Arie-talk is getting so annoying. I’m legit starting to feel like I’m the one that got majorly screwed by Arie. (Gross) We get it! He dumped her! He’s a jerk! Ugh.
Anyway, here’s what else went down last night.
Becca’s Big Day (Yes, Already)
Let’s talk about this season’s very first group date. So, who were the lucky guys? Jean Blanc, Jordan, Connor, and Lincoln. TBH, I couldn’t confidently pick a single one of them out of a lineup, but I do remember that Jean Blanc collects cologne and Jordan is on track to be Chad 2.0. Try taking a shot whenever he calls himself a “pensive gentleman,” or don’t—if you care about your health. Alright, we’re off to a good start! The date card says something about Becca’s “big day,” which explains why she’s wearing a long white dress when the guys show up. You do you, girl, but I wouldn’t want to jinx anything.
That Obligatory Bachelorette Obstacle Course
Becca tells all the guys to change into tuxedos. Ah, Tuxedos, the great equalizer of men’s fashion. It’s hard to look bad in one—but they’re not always the hottest look, either. Don’t come for me in the comments, guys. You’re not James Bond. Living Ken Doll Jordan is, like, so excited he gets to play dress up, but the others are slightly less hype about getting naked in front of a bunch of other guys. After all, they signed up to undress in front of Becca, not each other.
Then, she leads them to a wedding-themed obstacle course, where they can prove their strength and toughness by completing a series of truly strenuous physical activities, such as standing in a bucket of ice water. (Cleverly, this one is called “Cold Feet,” and there’s also “Ball & Chain,” and “Slippery Slope”). One of the guys (Chris R., for the record) says he’s going to use Cold Feet for a bathroom break, and we’re not going to talk about that. However, Chris R. also says he saw Lincoln cheat and get out of the ice bucket before his timer was up. Lincoln ends up winning the challenge and making enemies out of the other guys on the group date, especially Chris R. and Connor. Lincoln, full of mud from the obstacle course, gets to take a pic with Becca in her white dress and becomes obsessed with the pic. Like, so obsessed he wants to put it on the mantle in the Bachelor mansion. But more on that later…
Connor Makes Lincoln Cry
Now: the after party. Some random guy says tells Becca he wants “to be challenged intellectually.” Oh, sweetie, are you on the wrong show or what?
So, Lincoln keeps going on about that picture of him and “his future wife” to the other guys, and–shocker–displays it on the mantle. Connor is not having this, and throws the picture of Lincoln and Becca into the pool. Casual. Lincoln freaks tf out and says the only thing stopping him from pummeling Connor is the fact that “his mom would kill him.” Your mom would also probably kill you for being this obsessed with a woman you met, like, a week ago, but you do you, Lincoln.
Anyway, he then goes to Becca and cries about how he feels unsafe because of Connor’s stunt and how he is easily threatened, which is like, exactly the trait girls look for in a guy. What a catch. The night basically ends in drama and tears on all sides, which is exactly what Becca gets for planning a wedding-themed date. Sorry, girl.
Sledgehammers & Lil Jon
Thankfully, it’s time for the first one-on-one date of the season. Becca chooses Blake, who’s definitely the cutest. Don’t @ me. They get in a limo and drive to a fake “sketchy” area that is definitely a soundstage or something. So glad to see that ABC isn’t exploiting stereotypes of “urban” areas to create drama or anything. They go to this fake abandoned warehouse that’s basically Disney World but like, the Can’t-Get-Over-Your-Ex version: It’s filled with stuff meant to remind Becca of Arie. Yes, we’re still on that jerk. It’s a small world after all, bitches. How much is he paying The Bachelorette to keep him relevant every week? I swear his name is mentioned more than the names of the guys on the actual show this season. There’s a race car, champagne glasses, even the couch that Becca was sitting on when Arie broke up with her. She’s like, really hyped to see it, and Blake is understandably creeped out. They’re given sledgehammers to destroy everything—which is chill—and then Lil Jon pops up and starts DJ’ing the whole thing (I’m not kidding!). The whole thing is every Bachelor/Bachelorette producers’ greatest wish in life.
Becca’s Date with Arie––I mean Blake
The next part of Becca’s date with Blake is way more typical Bachelorette, complete with a table for two on an elevated surface, too many rose petals, and super dim mood lighting that makes you look like a completely different person from every angle. If you thought Becca was going to show a little character development and not spend the majority of the date talking about Arie, you thought wrong. Yikes! Poor Blake. He tries to balance it out by talking about his ex, but still. They’d probably be better off talking about how trippy the lighting was.
Anyway, Becca seems to think the date went well and spends like 10 minutes making out with Blake in a random alleyway before announcing that he’s husband material. Alright then.
Romantic Dodgeball & Leo’s Hair
The second group date of the week is dodgeball-themed, because nothing says romance like your middle school gym class. It basically turns into an opportunity for ABC to give Leo a ton of screen time so he can’t sue them for discriminating against him for being the first Bachelorette contestant with hair that goes past his shoulders. Welcome to 2018, everyone. Later, Becca tells him he seems like a romantic, which is probably because he looks like legit every guy on every romance novel cover, ever.
Jordan Strips Down
Things get interesting back at the mansion, where the producers break out the villain theme music for the first time this season––for living ken doll Jordan, of course. He decides to show up to the rose ceremony naked, or as naked as ABC will let him. (Catch The Bachelorette on HBO next season) Becca, in a moment of reflection, says that she “didn’t think it would be this hard this early on,” so make of that what you will. She seems chill about the whole thing, but David the Finance Bro (AKA Chicken Guy) is super salty about Jordan walking around almost naked because he prob hasn’t worked out in like 20 years. He goes off on Jordan and calls him dumb, and Jordan eloquently defends himself by saying he’s “not just some guy with hair.”
Jordan: If I took an IQ test, I would score higher than you’d expect a male model to score.
Okay, the bar is set pretty low, Jordan. He then tries to say “ingenuity,” and the key word there is “tries.” TBH, I feel like calling Jordan Chad 2.0 is unfair to Chad. He’s more like if Mattel decided to make a doll version of Chad and it came to life in some sort of freak doll factory accident. Yup, sounds about right.
Meanwhile, Colton is giving Becca a hard time himself. He decides he wants to tell her that he just spent a “fun weekend away” with one of her friends from the previous season, Tia, out of respect. More like, he wants to brag about it on national television, but ok. So, Colton “respectfully” tells Becca she’s basically his second choice, and she’s so shocked her falsies almost fall off. She needs to take a minute, because she’s still really attracted to him. Um, Becca? You were really attracted to Arie and we all know how that turned out, because we’re reminded constantly. Yikes.
More Crying, Shocker
Then it’s time for the rose ceremony, and all the problematic guys get roses this week: Lincoln, David, Jordan, Colton, and David the finance bro. And Leo, obviously, because, equality. In a last minute attempt to be relevant, some guy decides to try to outshine Lincoln as this episode’s crier by bawling his eyes out after getting eliminated. It didn’t work, since I still can’t remember his name. Honorable mention, though.
Jordan says he doesn’t mind being aggressive, which is, like, a total shocker coming from the guy who showed up naked to the rose ceremony. Tune in next week to see which of the guys he sends to the ER.
There’s nothing like a peaceful night in the Bachelor mansion!