As if my joker arc wasn’t evolving already, season 19 of The Bachelorette is premiering on July 11th, and you will not hear the end of it. ‘Tis the season for Bachelor Nation!
Following (the disaster that was) Clayton’s season, The Bachelorette is making history this year by having two women leading the season—Gabby and Rachel. And they are to be protected at all costs, especially with all of those red flags in the contestant bios.
I get it. When you’re dating like, 26 hot guys all at once in a short period of time, those red flags can start to look a little pink. We’ve all been there, I’m sure. But when I look at the cast biographies for season 19, even I can’t see past the sea of pearly white teeth and ignore some of the blatantly obvious (and cringeworthy) red flags this season.
Brandan, 23
Brandan acknowledges that he’s young. Cool. That is until he describes himself as “emotionally mature beyond his years.” If I know anything about 23-year-old men, it’s that they’re rarely emotionally mature, no matter how much they claim to be. Only this season will tell if he’s all talk. But, until then, I’m categorizing this Disney dude as a walking red flag.
Chris, 30
I’m terrified of Chris. Not only is he a mentality coach, but his bio also describes him as someone who “needs a woman who will love him for the hard worker he is and not complain as the two of them work together toward greatness.” Already setting guidelines for how a future partner should behave or react? Instant red flag.
Oh, and he’s his own favorite author—according to his bio. Stay away from my girls, Chris!
Colin, 36
Colin almost made it out scot-free…until I saw he proudly founded his high school’s breakdancing club. Unless this guy can bust out some serious moves, I’m too icked out to look past it.
Jacob, 27
Okay, who does this dude think he is? Jacob doesn’t shy away from the fact that he’s picky, which would be fine if it had nothing to do with looks. According to Jacob’s bio, he’s looking for a woman who will “will turn heads with her looks wherever she goes.” Hopefully, this gym fanatic will prove us wrong. But until then, I’m counting on Gabby and Rachel to proceed with caution. Please!
Alec, 27
In the first line of Alec’s bio, he proceeds to call himself a “lover boy” before (bravely) telling the world he would travel back in time to be an “1800s outlaw cowboy.” The worst ick? He was once a DJ at a roller rink. Any man who will willingly and proudly call themselves DJ in 2022 is an instant red flag.
That Southern charm hides nothing, Alec. I’m watchin’ you.
Joey & Justin, 24
These twins are both walking red flags, okay? In both of their bios, they emphasize the party lifestyle and clubbing with “the boys” as a huge part of their personal lives. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think I could trust a man who prioritizes a “night out with the boys.” No. Thank. You.
Oh, and Joey says he “loves nothing more than winning.” Talk about a nope.
Roby, 33
“Roby wants to live in a home with secret rooms and hidden tunnels in it.”
Absolutely not. Need I elaborate?
Kirk, 29
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a hardworking man. But Kirk? Kirk is looking for a woman who “understands how demanding his work schedule is” and someone who “will happily hold down the fort while he’s away.” Sounds like Kirk misread our independent girlies Rachel and Gabby: my girls are not the type to settle and wait on a man. Period!