As my graduation comes up, I feel an odd mix of apprehension and pride. It feels like I’ve been driving for hours, and I’m reaching…something. I can’t tell if it’s an oasis or my end destination or even just a cliff I’m about to drive off of. But it’s something that I’ve worked four years for, and the feelings are intense.
Over my years in college, I’ve been able to watch myself grow as a person. Unlike high school, I actually have the self-awareness to recognise how I’ve matured. I’ve seen a change in my minors, my fashion sense, and even the niche of academia that I’ve been able to dig for myself. I can’t help but be in awe of myself for the work I’ve done and the work I know I will do. It’s done an incredible amount for my confidence if nothing else.
But more than that, my pride also rests on the fact that I am a first-gen student. My grandmother is going to be at my graduation, and I cannot wait to see her face when she sees me in my cap and gown. And I cannot wait to walk across the stage.
Despite my pride and excitement, I am still apprehensive. I’m even a little scared about graduating. After all, this is supposed to be when I go and start my career. I’m supposed to have a plan of what I’m going to do, check off all the boxes that make an adult. But it feels like the rug is about to be pulled out from under me. I don’t know if I’m ready. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.
Most importantly, I don’t know if I’ll be able to say goodbye to all of my friends and mentors here. It feels like I am supposed to always be in class with my professors and meet my friends on the quad. Saying goodbye to them feels impossible; no words I can say can possibly speak to how much I care for them. Nothing will ever feel adequate enough to express my gratitude for the guidance my professors showed me or the patience they had when I wasn’t the best student.
Overall, I don’t want to just disappear from my university. I don’t want to graduate and never tell these people the depth of care I have for them. So I know that I will have to say goodbye to them. And it will be hard. But it will be necessary.
I can’t wait to say goodbye.