To The Girl I Was in High School,
I grew up into you and then out of you. Although I have been you, I cannot say I know you any longer. I am sorry for what you went through and for all the sad nights. I’m sorry you felt as though you had to do it all on your own. However, I am here to say you made it out on the other side.
Like an alien brought down to Earth, you didn’t seem to belong in that small town. There was never a space that felt truly safe and comforting besides the warmth of your own bed. You didn’t know who you were and I still can’t say you completely do, but you tried so hard to be something you were not. Fitting into the mold you tried to be was like trying to thread a rope through a sewing needle, always feeling slightly uncomfortable and consistently anxiety-ridden.
I know it could be lonely. That there were nights you felt as though your friends did not care or understand. The sting of being left out always lingered for a couple of days. Wish every 11:11 to be understood, even if it was only by one person. You were never fully alone but there was always something missing. You knew there was more to friendship than opened text messages and rainchecks.
Then there was food. A relationship almost as hard to define as the one you share with your father. Never an even balance, always followed by shame. Ice cubes, gum, soup, and water do not create a meal. The mirror on the wall was bipolar; never knowing whether to present the pretty girl I sometimes knew or the one who no amount of makeup, hair brushing, or cute clothes could make smile.
I’m sorry I wasn’t there when you needed me. That you had to learn so many lessons firsthand, but I can confidently say from the other side that I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Today I am surrounded by love and light. I have friends that treat me in ways you wouldn’t believe possible. People who not only understand me but are like me. I am a priority in my life. I have found passions that help me and take care of myself. Eating is no longer the scariest part of my day and I find joy in waking up in the mornings.
Personally, I think you’d find me quite cool. I do yoga in the mornings and read during downtime. I’ve been to Oregon where I ventured to the coast and hiked through waterfalls. I am trying new foods and get excited to try new recipes. And most of all I am no longer longing for the future, but enjoying life as it is in the moment.
It’s not always sunshine and rainbows, but it did get better. I took charge of my life and now I never want to stop living it.
Try not to be too hard on yourself and take it one day at a time
Your future self <3,
Danica
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