We all crave external validation in some form or another. This can include getting an A on an assignment, receiving a compliment on an outfit or gaining likes on a social media post. Receiving affirmation from sources besides ourselves serves as a confirmation that our invested time and energy is worth it.
I wouldn’t consider external validation inherently negative, as it’s important to uplift one another and assure those around us that they’re appreciated; however, external validation can become dangerous when someone becomes dependent on the opinions of others and lacks the ability to confront others or hold an opposing opinion. This can happen when someone starts dressing a certain way for the sole purpose of receiving praise or when they make choices in an attempt to maintain cohesiveness in a friend group. Essentially, it’s when the line between being acknowledged for something and doing something to be acknowledged is blurred.
It has taken me a long time to work through my need for external validation, and I wouldn’t say I’m close to being done with this journey. External validation is a natural thing to desire and it’s not always bad. For example, I was once telling my friend how I wished I was more artistic, and she told me that I already am because of my interest in fashion and writing. I had been thinking more along the lines of drawing and painting when I said “artistic,” so I was slightly confused as to how fashion and writing were “art.” But once I finally understood the connection, it was so comforting to think that someone else saw what I couldn’t see in myself. Sometimes we need external validation to help us acknowledge the beautiful parts of our identity that we’re unable to realize. This helps our confidence grow and strengthens our bonds with those who truly appreciate us.
Another example that comes to mind is my ongoing journey of studying for the MCAT. Aside from the endless hours of studying, there have been days full of crying out of anxiety and fear about my future, and there have been days where I’m too exhausted to put myself together. Yet, who would be able to tell? As is the case with many of us, people are more likely to see the few highlights of nights out with friends and vacations as opposed to the obstacles and self-doubt that occupies space in our lives behind the screen. People only saw the curated footage of my happy moments that I presented to them without knowing that it was probably the first time I left my house in a week or that I was in my pajamas about 90% of the time otherwise.
The weirdest part was that I frequently felt like screaming,“I PROMISE I AM STRUGGLING JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. LIFE IS CHALLENGING RIGHT NOW.” Why did I have this incessant desire to debunk the image I was portraying online? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of crafting your persona as you see fit on social media? After some thinking, I realized that this desire for others to know the reality of my situation stemmed from a desire for external validation. I wanted people to know that, contrary to popular belief, I was in fact exerting lots of time and effort and was mentally drained frequently. I wanted them to say, “You’re so strong, I know you can do this,” and “You’re investing so much time and effort into studying, and it’ll be worth it in the end.” I wanted external acknowledgement of my hard work as proof that I was on the right track.
That was the reality for me, and it’s the same for so many others. Eventually, it hit me that I was the only one who would truly know what I was going through and that I was the only one who would understand how much resilience it took to overcome my challenges. If anyone was going to reassure me that I was trying my best and that I had come a long way since the start, it had to be me. Rather than beg others to see the reality so that they could cheer me on, I had to become my own #1 cheerleader. Since I’ve learned that lesson, things have gotten easier. Even if people don’t see the whole picture, at least I know what I’ve been through and how I’ve overcome it. I can reward myself for my successes because I know I am deserving of it, without praise from others.
We all need to become our own cheerleaders before depending on others for that external validation. The most important lesson is to trust yourself more when making decisions as opposed to always relying on others for guidance. Not only will this improve your self-confidence, but you’ll learn to stop depending on others to solve every little problem in your life. If you do catch yourself trying a little too hard to gain approval from others, stop and ask yourself why that’s the case. It can be hard, but being more self-aware forces you to confront any lingering insecurities or self-doubt so that you can overcome them.
Finally, remember that everyone is on their journey in life and that comparing your strengths and progress to others may further increase your need to impress those around you to gain their approval. Focus on yourself and trust that you are capable of success.