Most of us are familiar with what the term “red flag” means. Whether it’s the words or actions someone throws your way or the way someone treats their family and friends, many of us know what things we consider red flags. Red flags are signs that a person can be problematic, toxic or harmful. However, not all flags have to be red, nor do they have to define the person behind the actions. Here’s a quick breakdown of some colors of flags and what they mean to me.
- The Red Flags
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It’s important to recognize when red flags are shoved in your face. Without leaving an endless list, the bottom line is that a red flag is anything that can pose a danger to your mental, physical or emotional well-being, shown in the way someone acts towards you, themselves or others. A red flag doesn’t always have to reflect on a person’s character. However, it can show the effects of a relationship between two or more people and whether that relationship is worth putting more effort into. Good people can act in ways we don’t tolerate or voice thoughts and opinions that can be appalling to hear. When you’ve known someone your whole life, you don’t expect them to act certain ways, but red flags can arise in any relationship. Sometimes we outgrow friendships and relationships and that’s just a part of being human. What’s important is choosing your battles and knowing when it’s worth fighting to keep a relationship and when to leave attachments that no longer feel safe. We don’t always have to “cut people out” to move on, but you’re allowed to make choices that will protect your peace. Sometimes people will feel hurt when you’re making these types of decisions, but in the end, you have to take care of yourself and make sure you’re giving to yourself as much as you’re giving to everyone else.
- The Yellow Flags
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Now let’s talk about what could be considered a yellow flag. The space between red and yellow flags is the room for error and growth. As human beings, we have biases and prejudices we don’t entirely recognize until we’re called out or shown new perspectives which show us how to act right and do better. Sometimes you can help others see these biases and improve their attitudes and behaviors, while other times they might not be willing to change. We have to recognize when we ourselves are participating in these biases and try to understand others as much as we try to be understood ourselves. People have different values, but it’s important to remember that opinions and values are not the same things. Not everyone is okay with stepping out of their comfort zone to challenge their thoughts and change their behaviors, but it’s not your personal responsibility to “fix” people in your life. Not everyone wants to be fixed and not everyone needs fixing. Once you cross that line between being willing to teach someone how to grow and hurting yourself in the process to help them, that’s when the flag turns red and you have to choose to save yourself.
- The Green Flags
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Outside of the icky feelings that red and yellow flags may give us, there are green flags in relationships as well. Each person will feel their own version of what they consider positive aspects in a healthy relationship. Whether it’s loyalty, honesty, communication or respect, the list will always vary from person to person. There is a difference between healthy discomfort—where you are being challenged to grow—vs threatening your well-being. I’ve learned it’s not easy to differentiate the two when you trust someone or have cared about them for a long time. A great tool to reflect on these situations is simply talking to loved ones. Talking to my family and closest friends has been the most effective way of opening my eyes to unsafe situations and figuring out the best ways to get out of them. Green flags are more than just warm feelings, but the capability to entrust your well-being to another person and earn that trust in return.
In the end, it doesn’t matter what color the flag is. This is just a general guide for evaluating your relationships with other people and how to better that relationship, not just to determine if you should keep them. The goal in life is to nurture your relationships and grow together, to have healthy communication and not cross boundaries when they are set.