Tw: discussion of gaslighting, emotional manipulation, emotional abuse
What is gaslighting?
To fully understand the term “gaslighting,” we need to define it. In a Psycom article, Susan McQuillan defines gaslighting as “a form of emotional and psychological abuse wherein a person uses verbal and behavioral tricks to convince another person they are losing their mind [or]… cannot trust their own judgment.”
Gaslighting is commonly used in terms of romantic relationships but can take place in any kind of relationship.
Gaslighting is not one single event, it tends to be a repeated and constant pattern in the relationship. Gaslighters intend to make their victims question their identity.
Gaslighters are manipulators, they want to be in control and have power over someone. Gaslighters need to be right about everything and are very critical and judgmental toward their victims; including things like assigning blame, intimidation tactics, denying responsibility, and claiming dissatisfaction with the relationship, McQuillan said. Gaslighting can be subtle and go unnoticed.
Once a partner has used gaslighting tactics enough to convince their victim to not trust themselves, the victim is more likely to stay in the relationship, according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
the origins
Gaslighting comes from the 1938 play Gas Light by Patrick Hamilton. This Victorian thriller explores the relationship between a married couple, Bella and Jack. Jack has been causing Bella to question her sanity by simply misplacing her things and convincing her she is the one misplacing them.
The play’s namesake comes from Jack dimming the lights (which were gas-powered) and when Bella brings up the dimmed lights, Jack convinces her she has imagined it. A classic example of what gaslighting can look like.
Although the term did not come about until Gas Light, gaslighting has been along prior to the term being coined. This is important to note because there has been a surge in the use of the word in the past years.
how gaslighting manifests
There are many gaslighting techniques and tactics. In a HealthyPlace article, Natasha Tracy discusses the methods gaslighters use to manipulate their victims. Gaslighting can manifest in a variety of ways. There are five main methods gaslighters use. These tactics Tracy discusses are used in order to further the confusion of the victim.
1. Withholding
Withholding is when the abuser pretends to not understand and refuses to hear the victim’s side.
- “You’re trying to make me confused.”
2. Countering
Countering is when the abuser claims that the victim’s memory of events is unreliable or untrue.
- “That’s not how it happened.”
- “The last time you didn’t remember it right either.”
3. Blocking/diverting
Blocking/diverting is when the abuser diverts from the topic at hand or brings into question the victim’s thoughts.
- “Did [person] put that crazy idea into your head?”
4. trivializing
Trivializing is when the abuser convinces the victim that the victim’s thoughts and needs are not important.
- “You’re making a huge deal out of nothing.”
- “You’re just being way too sensitive.”
5. forgetting/denial
Forgetting, or denial, is when the abuser pretends to forget something that actually occurred and convinces the victim it did not happen.
- “You’re just making this all up.”
- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The impact of gaslighting
Gaslighting has a profound impact on the victim, especially their mental health. Gaslighting can cause severe emotional distress and chronic stress for the victim, McQuillan said.
Gaslighting tears down the victim’s sense of identity, self-esteem and confidence. As well as their perceptions of what is real and their sanity.
Gaslighting techniques are used to wear away at the victim slowly. Gaslighting causes the victim to become scared to bring up topics because they begin to fear that they have remembered the scenario “wrong.”
Sometimes gaslighting manifests in the abuser misplacing something of the victims, perhaps something like their car keys. Then pretending to help the victim “find” the keys, and further convince the victim of having skewed memories, and being an unreliable narrator.
The victim may begin to rely on their abuser to “define reality, which creates a very difficult situation to escape,” according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Abusers may even tease or mock their victims for “forgetting.”
People tend to be more vulnerable to gaslighting if they have a history of trauma or abuse, mental illness or low self-worth, McQuillan said.
why do people gaslight?
People are not born gaslighters.
Typically, gaslighters behave in the way they do because they were gaslighted when they were a child, and learned it as a survival technique or they have a planned effort to obtain control and power over their victim, McQuillan said.
Narcissistic personality disorder and antisocial personality disorder (sociopaths) “lend themselves to gaslighting,” McQuillan said. These disorders give people a distorted view of other people as well as themselves. People with these disorders tend to have difficulty admitting they need help, or acknowledging their wrongdoings. They tend to project onto others, which makes them more likely to gaslight others.
protecting yourself from a gaslighter
Stephanie Sarkis, Ph.D., LMHC, said gaslighters “do not respect boundaries, and they tend to lash out when you enforce them.” Sarkis also warns that “emotional abuse like gaslighting makes it more likely you will also be victim of…physical abuse, and that’s one big reason why it’s so important to establish distance.”
If you think you may be a victim of gaslighting, here is some general advice from McQuillan:
- Don’t listen to those who constantly question your version of events or your thoughts.
- Don’t believe someone who is persistently telling you that everyone (particularly your family or friends) is on their side and not yours.
- Try presenting tangible evidence and calling out the gaslighter if they try to deny it (if you feel safe to do so).
- If you are, or have been, a victim of gaslighting, remember that it is not your fault.
If you feel that you are not safe, please contact your local domestic abuse shelter or call the National Domestic Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. National Domestic Violence Hotline also provides live chats, in case you are not able to speak freely.
The Misuse of Gaslighting
The rise in usage
In recent years, the term “gaslighting” has risen to popularity, including in internet slang. For example the phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” which was a parody of the saying “live, laugh, love,” quickly divulged into a parody on toxic white feminism. “Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss” took the internet by storm.
However, with the popularity of the word “gaslighting” rising, so is the misuse. By misusing the word “gaslighting,” we are shutting down important conversations around gaslighting. Gaslighting has become an accusation, sometimes in situations where someone is being pushy or trying to influence someone else. However, this is not always gaslighting. In this scenario, the person is not aiming to skew another person’s version of reality, they are being assertive. Pushing someone to do something can sometimes become manipulative, but that does not necessarily mean it is gaslighting.
gaslighting vs emotional manipulation and conflict
Gaslighting and emotional manipulation are not the same things. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation, but not all emotional manipulation is gaslighting. Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation. As one of my friends said, “not all rectangles are squares, but all squares are rectangles.”
Accusing someone of gaslighting, when they are not, can also shut them down. They do not want to be seen as a gaslighter, so they jump ship and abandon the argument. As mentioned in an article by Brenna Holland, accusing someone of gaslighting, when they are not, is not reflective of productive or healthy communication.
Having a conflict with someone who disagrees with you, is not gaslighting. If they are trying to make you see things from their perspective, and communicate how they are feeling, that is not necessarily gaslighting. Throwing gaslighting accusations around during conflict is not going to resolve anything.
the impact of misuse
By not using gaslighting in the proper context, we blur the true definition of the word. Which makes it more difficult for victims of gaslighting to realize the severity of the situations they are in. Gaslighting is meant to cause confusion for the victim. By throwing the word around in improper contexts, we make it more confusing to define the word, and victims become less likely to be able to pinpoint what they are going through, Holland said.
The phrase “you name it, you tame it” is used often when identifying and then working through trauma, Holland said. By not using “gaslight” properly, we continuously make it harder for victims to identify what they went through and then process that trauma.
Being mindful of the words you say and precisely what you mean when you say them is important. By using gaslight correctly, the definition of the word becomes more clear. Which opens the door for victims to be heard and understood.