What makes a healthy relationship? It seems like a pretty straightforward question, but is it? If someone were to ask you that question, you would probably say things like “respect,” “honesty,” “communication,” and while all those things are true, there is much more to it than that. Now, I’m sure you’re asking how a 21-year-old college student thinks she knows what makes a healthy relationship, but let me preface this article with how I got my knowledge.
I am a member of Alpha Chi Omega sorority and one of our philanthropies is Domestic Violence Awareness. One of the events we have every year to provide more knowledge about this philanthropy is Healthy Relationships Week. This week is dedicated to spreading knowledge about healthy relationships in people’s lives and what makes a relationship healthy. This is knowledge I have been spreading to the Ball State community for the past three years, but our headquarters has been researching and spreading this knowledge for much longer than that.
Now that I have established where I’ve received my knowledge, let’s talk about what truly makes a relationship healthy.
There are 10 aspects to a healthy relationship, all of which have their own subcategories. I will break each one down so we can truly determine what makes a healthy relationship.
- comfortable pace
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The first aspect of a healthy relationship is comfortable pacing. Both partners in a relationship should feel like the relationship is advancing in ways that they both want it to. For instance, if one person is ready to have sex but the other is not, then sex should not be forced into the relationship. Another example could be when talking about moving in together. Both people should be comfortable with the way the relationship is progressing and be understanding of their partner’s boundaries. Otherwise, the relationship can quickly turn unhealthy.
- honesty
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Both partners in a relationship should feel like they can be completely honest with the other person. This includes all aspects, including initially scary topics. These can be topics like concerns about the relationship and other issues creating friction and disagreement. Without honesty, a healthy relationship cannot be built.
- respect
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Respect ties in with most of the other parts of a healthy relationship and, I would argue, is the main foundation of one. Respect can mean a bunch of different things but, in short, it means understanding your partner’s boundaries, listening to their opinions and concerns, etc. Whatever respect means to you, it must be included in a relationship for it to be a healthy one.
- kindness
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Kindness is something you should expect from a partner in a healthy relationship, including in arguments. If a partner treats you with anything other than kindness, your relationship is not healthy. While the exact definition of kindness is different to everyone, the basis of kindness promotes all other parts of a healthy relationship, like honesty and trust.
- healthy conflict
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Let’s preface this by saying, getting frustrated during a fight is allowed and completely normal, but how a partner handles their frustration is the most important part. It is no secret that all couples will run into some sort of conflict while in a relationship. These conflicts can range from little fights over who’s turn it is to do the dishes to large conflicts over feeling as though your partner isn’t understanding you, but no matter the content of the argument, neither party should feel afraid of ending up in an argument. In an argument, if you or a partner gets frustrated, you need to have healthy coping mechanisms, like a code word signaling that you are overwhelmed or that you need to take a break and come back to the topic later. If a partner reacts by screaming, name calling, or hitting things, these could be signs of domestic abuse and you should seek help as soon as possible.
- trust
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Another foundational aspect is trust. You should never feel like you have to question your partner’s motives in a relationship or day to day life. You should also feel like you can go to your partner with anything and they will listen to you and not spread around information you do not want shared. While this seems very self explanatory, trust is often taken for granted as it is expected and the red flags, like your partner telling your friends the details of a private conversation, can be easy to ignore.
- independence
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Even in a relationship, you should still feel like you are able to do your own thing. You need to be able to be your own person with your own responsibilities, interests, and hobbies. If you cannot do your own thing and your partner requires you to be around them and does not endorse your personal interests, that could be a sign of an unhealthy relationship.
- equality
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Touched on in the independence section, both partners need to treat each other as equals. That includes things such as participating in each other’s hobbies, supporting each other’s interests and even in day to day life activities. Both people should feel utilized in a relationship and not feel like they are being a parent to the other.
- taking responsibility
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This aspect sounds like it should be easy, but for some people, taking responsibility can be very hard. A lot of people do not like to admit when they are wrong, so much so that they will have an outburst if someone suggests they did something they should not have. In a healthy relationship, this should not happen. While it is understandable that, for some people, admitting they are wrong is difficult, they should be able to understand where their partner is coming from and, worst case scenario, grin and bear it and admit that they may have, indeed, been in the wrong.
- fun
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The last aspect of a healthy relationship is fun. Couples should want to be with their significant other and do fun things together. What that means for each couple is different. For some, that may mean a movie night at home and for others, and for others it may mean a road trip. Whatever your definition of fun is in your relationship, it is important that you and your partner always make sure to plan these little “dates” every once in a while. Even more than that, you should both always find ways to make each other laugh and make your days brighter.
Those are the 10 key elements of a healthy relationship! While there are many factors that play into them, without those 10 traits, a relationship may need to be examined in order to determine where it is unhealthy and how it can be approved. If you have any questions about the healthiness of your relationships, my biggest advice is to look at what your family and friends may be saying about your relationship. Many times, these people can see red flags that you may not and their concerns should be taken into consideration.
If you or a loved one may be in a dangerous relationship condition, including domestic abuse, please call the domestic abuse hotline at (800)799-SAFE(7233) or visit thehotline.org.