(I would like to note that I use the word “toxic” throughout this article as a loose term to represent traits that I have that can cause boundaries and obstacles in my romantic relationships)
I don’t know about all of you out there, but I have my fair share of toxic traits when I am in a relationship. I know first-hand how difficult it can be to cope with your own toxicity, especially in our current climate that seems to paint men as the villains in every domestic relationship (though this is not to disregard that men can also be the “problem”). But let’s be real: Women can be toxic and have flaws in relationships too, and I can — and will — attest to that. So, without further ado, here are my top five problematic traits that I present in my current and past relationships and how I try to address them head-on.
- Clinging to my S.O. Too Tightly
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One thing to keep in your mind when reading through this particular section on clinginess is that it’s okay to be attached to your partner and it is okay to be clingy. But, relationships also come with a certain give and take, and typically, it is dangerous in romantic endeavors to be overly clingy when your partner is simply not that kind of person. On the other hand, some people may look at your relationship as “toxic” because you both are very clingy with each other, but in my not-so-professional opinion, it’s okay to be abundantly attached to your S.O. when they are just as attached to you.
In my case, I have the very problematic trait of being overly clingy and attached to my partner when he is not the same way. This became toxic on my end at the beginning of our relationship because I became hurt when he wouldn’t require as much time physically together or talking over the phone. During times when both of us weren’t working, I would want to be calling, texting, or communicating in some way constantly. When we had the chance to be together, I always wanted to be around him. This is likely because my love language happens to be quality time. On his side, though, he sometimes needed alone time and chances to just be with himself to calm down after a long day. I had to understand that our personalities were different: I am an extrovert who thrives on communication and interaction, whereas he is an introvert who sometimes just needs to be alone. It took a lot of soul-searching and communication with him to understand these differences, but after a while, I was able to understand that he wasn’t not wanting to spend time with me, but rather wanting to spend some time by himself.
- My Control-Freak Expectations
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If we are honest with ourselves, we all have that movie or TV show romance that we saw as children and believed was going to be the norm for our own future relationship. For me, this is thinking about Troy setting up an entire picnic on the roof of their high school for Gabriella in High School Musical 3 and then having a glorious song and dance montage in the rain. But this is unrealistic — and quite honestly unfair — to assume that any and every man will risk in-school suspension for a grand romantic gesture.
In this same vein, I expect that my boyfriend will always simply know what I am thinking or how I would prefer things to be done. For example, when my boyfriend first moved in with me, he would leave the Tupperware dishes out because he didn’t know how I would prefer them to be put away. To him, this was kind because he wanted things to be done the way I liked. But to me, on the other hand, this was a grievance to my daily life. Why couldn’t I see his perspective on this situation? And why did I react so poorly to such a simplistic decision? Likely because I refused to see another perspective and was forced to realize that my way of life and thinking has to coincide with my significant other’s, not overshadow or control.
The main problem I have in my relationships due to my controlling nature is my tendency to micromanage my significant other. Nearly everything in my life is controlled by the specific ways that I would do or say things. Once I became comfortable in my relationship, I made the unfortunate mistake of not being able to hold my tongue before trying to correct my significant other’s actions. My current S.O. has recently been able to speak openly about how this makes him feel demeaned and belittled. I didn’t realize how these comments that felt small to me could have a huge impact on my significant other’s opinion of themselves. I’m glad that he was able to comfortably tell me how he felt before it became too much to handle.
Keep in mind, though, that just because Troy and Gabriella are a severely unrealistic representation of love, doesn’t mean you should ever settle for less than you deserve. Get your flowers or sweet notes on Valentine’s Day and be celebrated on your birthday! Hopefully, they will also remember your anniversary, based on true events, but that’s a story for another time.
- Difficulty Accepting I’m Wrong
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Now, when it comes to me being wrong, there are two sides to this coin: First, I am stubborn as the day is long; and second, I am abundantly emotional. In all honesty, I love to argue and debate, usually in a lighthearted way, but I also do my fair share of picking fights for no reason, or at least I realize it was for no reason after the fact.
I have a very difficult time accepting blame for the fights that I cause, and when my significant other does question my reactions, or call me out for my faults, I ultimately get overly defensive. I can’t help but feel like I have to “prove my innocence” and why I do what I do or say what I say. The defensiveness is the main cause of my stubbornness, but one of my least favorite traits about myself is that when I finally come to the conclusion that I am, in fact, in the wrong, I begin to cry.
I hate this about myself because I never want people to assume that I want attention. I never cry during these situations because I want my boyfriend to feel bad for me and give up his stance. I cry because I genuinely feel the guilt that I should have felt before I became defensive, and then made the situation worse by behaving poorly when I was called out for my actions. I cry because I feel horrible for hurting the person I love most in the world and then trying to prove to him why or how I didn’t hurt him. I cry because I know I have sometimes gaslighted him because I’m so afraid of being guilty. In these moments when I was crying, I have genuinely had to tell my partner to remain upset and not let my emotions cloud his because his feelings are still valid despite mine being more visible.
This has been an obstacle that only I could truly overcome by reflecting on my actions. The media discusses how men and the patriarchy gaslight women consistently (and they do), but I also implore every woman reading this to truly seek out the moments when we also gaslight our significant others and don’t realize it. We need to call ourselves out, men and women, in our relationships to ensure open and healthy dialogue to promote conflict resolution.
- Retroactive Jealousy
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If you have never heard of this term, it is quite possible that you may need to hear it. Retroactive jealousy refers to the negative emotions that we feel when we think about our partner’s previous relationships. It is an unavoidable and very common emotion that nearly every person in a committed relationship has felt before, and I have experienced it greatly in my own relationship.
Before dating me, my current boyfriend had been with one other person in his past. He had been with his ex for nearly three years but didn’t date another person for two years until he met me. Despite the severe gap between the time he had dated another woman to the time he was dating me, I could not get over the fact that he had a significant past with a female that wasn’t me. It haunted me and spun me into many anxiety-ridden spirals. I would think about how the things he says to me could be things he had said to her. When he told me he loved me, I couldn’t help but think about how he had once told someone else he loved them. It physically hurt me to think these things and gnawed away at me consistently during the first few months of our relationship.
The main concern I had with myself having these feelings was that I felt I had no right. I had a previous serious and long-term relationship too, and I had been with more previous partners than my boyfriend. So, what gave me the right to feel this way because he had a singular ex? The person who ultimately made me feel validated when I had these concerns was actually my partner himself. He told me that he sometimes had those feelings too, and he understood why I felt them and wouldn’t hold my negative emotions against me. He helped me understand that we all have flaws and emotions we can’t help sometimes. I realized that when I have these unavoidable moments of retroactive jealousy, as hard as it may be, I have to live in the present and know that I am who my boyfriend chooses to be with every day. I can’t allow the past to interfere with my current happiness.
- My Comparative Nature
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This trait of mine is, in my opinion, one of the largest hurdles that my boyfriend and I have had to overcome together. When entering into a new relationship after having a previous partner, you will always carry certain traumas or small scars that are leftover from your last relationship. The relationship also did not have to have ended poorly to leave residual damage or things that you can’t help looking out for.
For me, this was the first guy I ever truly cared for who decided to leave me three days before our anniversary for his female friend that he told me “not to worry about.” He made me feel like I was insane or imagining things when they would hang out a lot, including choosing to hang out with her over me when we had made previous plans. To add insult to injury, I went and fell for his close friend afterward just to realize that I was no more than a notch in the bedpost for him.
Then, I met an amazing, sweet, caring guy who I found myself not being able to fully trust because of the traumas I carried from my previous relationships. He has female friends that he has known for longer than me and I found myself jealous and horrifically anxious at the thought of him even speaking to these women. I knew I was being irrational and allowing my mind to make comparisons between my past relationships and my current significant other, but I couldn’t help it. It created a lot of barriers in communication between my boyfriend and me and nearly caused irreparable damage to us. But the thing was, he wasn’t either of those guys. He was willing to talk to me and listen to me when I was panicking or overreacting. He didn’t tell me I was crazy or invalidate my feelings. I was lucky to find someone who cared enough to stick through all of the hard times and communicate with me.
In the end, every relationship, no matter how outwardly perfect, has its flaws. And each person in a relationship has their own toxic traits and inner battles that can create obstacles (like how my boyfriend still leaves chip bags open from time to time). But as long as you both are willing to communicate, listen to each other, and work together to address the problems in your relationship, there is no obstacle too large that you can’t overcome together.