I have found in my writing that I am the funniest when discussing things that piss me off. Something about rage and the smacking of keyboard keys as I berate humanity just makes me funnier than when I am a ray of sunshine. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I am a generally positive person, but I’ll be honest and say that I am glad mind reading is not a thing (as far as I know). So for my first article of spring semester, I am going to start out strong and hateful with “10 Things I Hate”. Enjoy.
1.) The “Mom” Friend
This is the friend who prides themselves on holding back hair while their friends throw up and who always helps out when they can. Whether it be offering to be the designated driver or having a bottle of Ibuprofen in their purse; these friends have it covered. Of course it’s greatly appreciated… until they start basing their personality around the services they provide for their friends. At a certain point they aren’t doing it to be nice – it’s a superiority complex. Nobody likes to be reminded of embarrassing moments from a fun night out but this stone cold sober “mom” friend is the first to bring to your attention anything dumb you did while intoxicated. You were so foolish! They could never! They have to wake up early tomorrow to water their plants and say good morning to the sun. Personally, after a night out with my friends I am googling how early the closest Taco Bell opens and am first in line for a Doritos locos taco breakfast. So sorry mom friend, you are on my hate list. I’ll still take one of those extra tampons you always carry around though…
2.) Randomly Assigned Group Projects
Working in groups for a school project does have it’s benefits. After all, our entire lives are spent in conjunction with others and the more skills you develop to cope with that the better. However, I truly believe only a sadist randomly assigns group members for college level work. The reason I want to have a say in who I work with is because in random group assignments I tend to be shackled with one or more people who are treating college like a hobby. If you want to take a pottery class or learn how to play tennis, more power to you. I just truly don’t understand how people can pay the price of college and then just not care about it at all. I consider myself an empathetic person but I have heard sob story after sob story of why someone couldn’t do their fair share of an assignment. The past few years haven’t been a walk in the park for anyone, including myself, but if you are serious about it you’ll get your stuff done.
3.) People Who Drink A Gallon of Water a Day
Who even came up with the idea that it’s healthy to drink water to the point where you feel like you could hurl? It just seems to me that, that is possibly flawed science. Besides that, these people make such a show out of it. They carry around the water gallon and it seems like they are just begging someone to ask about it. Well guess what, I don’t care that you are trying to drown your organs and I’m going to continue sipping my coffee (my favorite diuretic) and feeling amazing.
4.) Girls Who Make Fun of “Pick Me” Girls
“Pick me” is a term that I became familiar with on TikTok that essentially describes a girl who puts down other women or “feminine” attributes in order to be found favorable by men. “Pick me” girls will take one look at your winged eyeliner and say “Wow! You must have woken up SO early to do your makeup. I could never. I hate makeup.” They also hate rom-coms, fruity drinks, and drama. They love football, beer, and chilling with the bros. Yes, this can be annoying. What is so much more annoying, however, is how other women have started making videos and memes mocking these women. We are raised in a patriarchal society that teaches us from a young age that male approval is the number one goal. None of us are immune to that. This strange trend has just created yet another dynamic where women are at each other’s throats with the common denominator always being not like “other” girls. Just be nice to other women and save all that hate in your heart for stupid things men do. Trust me, there is plenty of material to work with.
5.) Targeted Snapchat/Instagram Stories
What I’m talking about is when you can tell that someone is fighting with their significant other because they keep putting really specific and sad quotes on their social media. An example is like “Remember, being alone is better than being with someone who does not value you.” They want the other person to see this and feel bad. It is just immature honestly. You are an adult, use your big kid words to tell this person what you are upset about. If this person has cheated on your 5 times and 2 of them were with a family member, maybe consider breaking up with them.
6.) People Who Don’t Talk To Each Other at Dinner
You know me, I can’t talk about things I hate without giving my lovely customers a shoutout. I won’t say where I work because I am sure I have a lot of fans who would stalk me and I am just trying to be a normal girl! The paparazzi is ridiculous. Also, they probably would fire me for all of the mean things I have written about the people who give us their business but I digress. What I will say about my place of employment is this; it ain’t cheap. I can easily get a two person table to over $100 if they each get a cocktail, share an app, and order entrees. That is quite a bit of money to completely ignore the other person and get on Facebook or Candy Crush or one of those weird games where you have to give an ugly girl a makeover. It is honestly very sad to see. What really grinds my gears is when parents are ignoring their kids to be on their phones. If the child is happily watching Coco Melon on an iPad, I respect that. You have to keep them calm and happy. You, however, are an adult and probably won’t start crying mid-dinner if you aren’t distracted by singing cartoon babies. Talk to your child! Talk to your spouse! Talk to whoever you are shelling out $100 to have dinner with. Another option is for me to mind my own business but it is not very realistic.
7.) The Art of Door Holding
I know for a fact that having anxiety makes me overthink a lot of things that someone without anxiety might not think twice about. One stressor I have to deal with on a daily basis is door holding. When someone is behind me, I don’t want to slam the door on them but I also don’t want it to be weird like they have to hurry up because I am insisting on holding the door for them. It is a delicate dance and I probably will start seeing gray hairs by 30. The only thing worse than me having to decide whether or not to hold the door is having someone ahead of me. What will they do? Will I have to do a little jog to get through the door in a timely fashion and then thank them for holding the door for me even though I really wish they hadn’t. God Bless the inventor of automatic doors and the fact that Zook (the building at UA I am in the most) has them.
8.) Baby Talk
Unless you are speaking to an animal or to an actual baby, do not use baby talk. It sends shivers down my spine and barf up my throat. It’s always couples too. I would rather witness people making out in public with extra tongue than hear a couple talk baby talk to each other.
9.) People Being “Polite” at 4 Way Stops
You aren’t doing me a favor by waving me ahead when clearly you were at the stop sign before me. I’ll tell you why. I wait for you to go because it is your turn. You wave me ahead because you have a heart of gold or something dumb like that. I spend a few seconds trying to make sure I am not just confused at the signal because if we were to hit each other it would be my fault (technically). By the time I go, both of us could be halfway down the road. You aren’t saving me any time. Just follow the traffic laws and maybe don’t give me the finger if I am driving too slow on the highway. I don’t ask for much.
10.) Responding to an Invite By Saying That You’ll “Try to Stop By”
I love my friends, but when they do this I want to drop kick them. WHAT does that even mean? If you don’t have anything better to do, you’ll come over for a half hour? Just say yes, no, or TBD. I am never mad when people can’t make it. I just would like a headcount to know how many bags of Doritos to buy. This summer, I invited a smaller group (like 6-8 people) to come play games at my house. Everyone said a variation of “I’ll try to stop by” and then NOBODY came. They all assumed that other people would come and so they didn’t need to let me know. It was lame and then me and my roommate went to a bar.
Bonus – People Who Make Hating Something a Personality Trait
Now I know this one might be confusing because previous to this I have listed 10 things I hate. The difference is none of these are things I talk about all the time or think that I am special and unique for hating. Here’s a good example of something people over-hate; pumpkin spice lattes. For some reason you can’t just not care for these, you have to HATE them. Not only will you never drink them, you think anyone who likes them is insane and has no taste. When you see all of the pumpkin flavored items that come out around fall, it infuriates you. A couple other things I feel this applies to is TikTok, wine, and children.