I hate inconveniencing people. Even if there is the slightest chance that my actions could inconvenience someone, I feel anxious. My constant fear of rejection, abandonment and, in general, negative perceptions of me has driven me to the point of constantly people-pleasing. What this also means is that it often prevents me from setting essential, personal boundaries. As I preach to friends to “block him” and “drop him” and give all of my tips and tricks in setting boundaries in relationships or really, “situationships”, I realize that setting boundaries is easier said than done and I need to start following my own advice.
“Since the beginning of time, women have always been expected to be submissive to the male gaze and conform to so many expectations, so much so that we shouldn’t be able to live our own lives and do our own thing.We’re just so discouraged from being able to say no to people.”,said Annika Toivonen, a first-year health science and psychology student.
With the patriarchy constantly putting women down, setting boundaries and using our voices can be daunting, especially with the fear of being disliked and alienated. In elementary school, I was often excluded from playing soccer with the boys on the playground. On the rare occasion where they would pass me the ball, I didn’t want to mess up a play out of fear that I’d be sent right back to the sidelines. My experience with setting boundaries as a woman reminds me of those early days on the playground—one wrong move, and we’re pushed to the sidelines. As women living in a patriarchal society, we carry this heavy weight of constantly having to please everyone to be respected. How do we release ourselves from this weight and start walking free; how do we set boundaries?
What are boundaries and why are they important?
According to Psychology Today, “Boundaries can be defined as the limits we set with other people, which indicate what we find acceptable and unacceptable in their behavior towards us” These boundaries can be physical, sexual or emotional and are all super important in helping us prioritize our individual well-being.
Physical boundaries include the types of boundaries or limitations you set regarding your body and your space. To further gauge how Northeastern students look at boundary setting, I conducted a survey. 84% of my survey respondents claimed that women are discouraged from setting boundaries. One respondent highlighted the importance of respecting physical boundaries when it comes to hugging people. Since some people are uncomfortable being hugged,it’s important to respect that. Speaking more broadly, it’s totally acceptable for you to set boundaries regarding personal space. Setting these physical boundaries does not make you “cold” or “rude,” it allows you to live comfortably.
Recently, somebody violated my physical boundaries. I was too afraid to say anything to the person, scared that I would cause a scene. And so I hid the discomfort in a drawer and slammed it shut. For months on end, disguising uneasiness with smiles, as I tried to shut the memories down. The clarity of the situation came to me in retrospect and instead of ruminating over my lack of assertiveness, I have decided to finally practice what I preach and work hard to establish boundaries in future relationships.
Sexual boundaries are about knowing your sexual limits and what you’re comfortable with, while advocating for yourself as needed. Societal expectations of women make this difficult as we are constantly expected to put others’ needs first and are told that if we stick up for ourselves, we’ll be “undesirable.” It’s completely acceptable to express what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and no, it does not make you a “prude” or “lame.” Establishing sexual boundaries could be extremely difficult because women are continuously ignored and gaslit. It’s not our job to constantly have to say no and explain ourselves. “No” is a full sentence. “No” isn’t a no until you are convinced to say yes. “No” is not something we need to supplement, explain, or change. “No” means No. We remember that the word “no” is enough; and we need people around us to start listening.
Emotional boundaries are the types of boundaries you set regarding what you are comfortable sharing and receiving from others. One survey respondent wrote, “Women are often depicted as being the ‘listeners’ of society and are expected to always be on the receiving end of a lot of trauma unloading, even when they themselves do not have the capacity to listen and offer reactions. It’s this whole ‘mother’ and ‘therapist’ concept that that’s what we’re here for – comfort at any cost.” Women are constantly expected to be society’s emotional support clutch. Weare expected to do it all, and if we can’t meet those demands, we’re apparently ‘rude’ and ‘selfish’. It is hence paramount to set necessary emotional boundaries to take care of your well-being. Self-care is NOT selfish. If you do not have the capacity to present emotional support at the moment, here’s something you could say- “I really want to be here to support you right now, but I just don’t have the bandwidth to show up for you in the way that you deserve.” You could then go ahead and share relevant resources that the person has the discretion to use. Also, remember this: you don’t owe anyone your story. If people are pressuring you into sharing your personal experiences and trauma, then I would suggest verbally establishing boundaries. I know it’s hard and awkward, especially because sometimes other people may think that you don’t trust them; but remember, it’s not about them, it’s about what you and what you want. It is completely acceptable to say “I don’t feel comfortable sharing this information.”; and anyone that questions that, isn’t worth your time.
This is especially true when you are expressing discomfort with what someone said. Often we are gaslighted into thinking we are overreacting and are dramatic for wanting to be treated with dignity and respect. At some point, it’s important to ask yourself, “If they are not being respectful of my boundaries, do they really deserve my time and energy?” If somebody keeps disrespecting your boundaries, it is not rude to cut them out of your life. It’s treating yourself with kindness, which you deserve.
So, what kind of relationships benefit from setting boundaries? The survey respondents wrote, “family”, “roommates”, “friendships”, “coworkers and employers”, “sexual partners,” “romantic partners,” “parent-child relationships,” “teacher-student relationships,” and more.
As college students, we face a lot of different relationships, which could include friendships, romantic relationships, room-mate relationships and more. If a friend or significant other does or says something that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable, it could be very helpful to establish boundaries. This involves taking the time to be self-aware by recognizing how you are feeling about a situation and what change you want to see going forward. Write down how you feel and what exactly you want to change, while using words of affirmation to validate your feelings. Look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I deserve to prioritize my own comfort and happiness.” Say it until you believe it. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “I wanted to let you know I felt uncomfortable when… so going forward that this is how I feel…”. Try your best to be clear about what it is that you want and if a friend is continuing to disrespect your boundaries they are not worth your time. And there’s no need to apologize. As a woman, I constantly feel the need to say the words “I’m sorry” when trying to set a boundary in a relationship. “I’m sorry for inconveniencing you by expressing how I feel…” Remember that we have nothing to feel sorry about.
College is a social hub, both fueling and draining social batteries. Sometimes, I simply do not have the capacity to socialize anymore and I just want to lie in bed and curl up with a good book. Sometimes when I ask a friend to hang out or vice versa if one of us is free, we are open and honest and say, “Hey I think I just want some me-time.” And that idea of “me-time” and taking time is extremely important. You could also reiterate that you are taking some time to be alone, but you would still love to hang out at a different time.
With roommates, it’s important to establish boundaries regarding privacy and personal space. Having roommate discussions and agreements about aspects such as cleaning, schedules, and personal boundaries is extremely helpful. My roommates and I have meetings where we express if something has been bothering us and what we would like to see change. This has helped us best respect and be courteous to one another.
Brene Brown, an award-winning social worker and Podcast host explained, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”. Each day, I am working to get better at establishing necessary boundaries in my life. It’s a learning process and is miles away from being easy. While together we practice using our voices, we should remember that we shouldn’t have to shout louder to be heard.