As friends and family members, most of us have been in the position to console and reassure others during moments of distress. We practice compassion, sympathy, and understanding to motivate those we love to overcome and find strength. However, how often do we practice compassion within ourselves? From my own experience and studies revealed in Dr. Kristen Neff’s psychological book, Fierce Self-Compassion, situations of distress can often lead to self-criticism, isolation, and overidentification. From an evolutionary standpoint, human beings judge their past mistakes to prevent similar problems in the future. However, an excess of self-blame can be unproductive and even harmful.
After reading Dr. Kristen Neff’s book, Fierce Self-Compassion: How women can harness kindness to speak up, claim their power, and thrive, I learned that negative self-talk, self-doubt, and judgment only empower my insecurities. I believed that blaming myself and being hard on myself kept me safe because of this sense of control. I believed that negative self-talk motivated hard work and improvement, but I constantly found myself emotionally drained. Self-compassion released me from this toxic cycle. Finding peace and understanding with myself allowed me to acknowledge and sympathize with my needs. But with fierce self-compassion, I learned how to take action to get my needs met.
Dr. Neff’s book, Fierce-Self Compassion, directed at a female audience, highlights the false and rigid gender roles that bury a woman’s fierceness in expectations of passivity and tenderness. Fierce self-compassion requires a balance between sympathy and agency. Neff uses Yin and Yang to demonstrate the balance between peace and kindness (yin) and individualistic and agentic capabilities (yang). She emphasizes accepting imperfections and vulnerability because they are what make us unique and human. We must not run away or even criticize our inner critic, but rather approach certain emotions with curiosity and love.
We must not ask ourselves how to alleviate suffering internally but take action externally to protect ourselves from injustice and harm. Dr. Kneff explains the three steps to reach fierce self-compassion.
- Mindfulness
Being in the present and acknowledging, identifying, and accepting your emotions will increase your awareness. Once the feeling is identified, decipher the intentions of that emotion. Is it trying to make you feel safe? Is it trying to hurt you? Don’t judge the feeling – be curious.
2. Humanity
Remind yourself that you are not the only person in the world feeling these emotions. You are human, and every emotion is valid. Most likely, others have felt what you are feeling. Commonly, people believe that self-compassion can be narcissistic, but the tool of humanity pulls you out of the dark hole of self-pity and inaction. Remember that we are all connected.
3. Kindness
Validate your emotions. Anger and disappointment will only dig that hole deeper. Most emotions form as protection, and rather than judging ourselves, we could thank ourselves and find healthy solutions to specific issues.
Restricting or burying emotions gender constructs have misinterpreted as unacceptable, like anger for women, will only lead to build-up and acting irrationally. Hopefully, permitting and accepting emotions will create a sense of freedom to navigate the world in a balanced and peaceful state.
As college students and future women entering the workforce, we need to learn how to exert our power internally and externally. We can easily fall into a toxic cycle of judgement and comparison from school, social media, or friends. But, Dr. Neff’s research studies conclude that those practicing self-compassion are less likely to be critical of themselves, less anxious, and depressed — leading to self-improvement motivation. Neff’s book includes her recent research findings and practices to implement self-compassion into our daily lives.
Work Cited
“Fierce Self-Compassion.” Self-Compassion, 1 Sept. 2021,
https://self-compassion.org/fierce-self-compassion/.
Neff, Kristin. Fierce Self-Compassion. Penguin Life, 2021.
Riopel, Leslie. “15 Most Interesting Self Compassion Research Findings (Incl.. Theory).”
PositivePsychology.com, 27 Feb. 2021, https://positivepsychology.com/self-compassion-research/.