I wasn’t always this close to my mom, Lisa. I certainly went through a period of teenage angst in which I distanced myself from both my parents, but more specifically my mom. Looking back, I get frustrated with myself because I would have avoided so many issues and caused less problems if I had the same relationship I have with her now, back then. Sorry, mom! I hope I wasn’t too obnoxious, can I make it up to you with a coffee? <3
Anyways.
Let’s flash back to my senior year of high school. This period of time was defined by my rapidly deteriorating relationship with my first boyfriend. We had been dating for roughly a year and a half, and things were straight up not good. We were fighting a lot like young teenagers do, and the added difficulty of being long-distance certainly took its toll. I remember this one day where I came home from work and my boyfriend had been texting me all throughout my shift; I think he was angry that I didn’t call him during my break or something along those lines. I had been yelled at by my boss that day so I was already in a bad mood, and his incessant texting only made me angrier. As soon as I stepped in the door he was calling me and we exchanged some nasty words (I was definitely not perfect in this situation either) and it escalated to a full-on screaming fest. I was just so tired of being unhappy and I couldn’t understand why these little things seemed to bother him so much. I ended the phone call and just burst into tears; I was overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. Much to my surprise, my mother decided not to go to my brother’s basketball game that weekend, so while I believed I was alone in my misery, I most certainly was not. I had previously avoided conversations about boys with my mom. I was worried she would find out how unhappy I was, and I was embarrassed to be handling my relationship so poorly. But there was no hiding anymore. I heard a small knock on my bedroom door and after I indulged in some much-needed motherly TLC, there began our first open and honest conversation about my personal life.
Things started slowly changing. After my boyfriend and I broke up, we started going out to coffee on the weekends to just catch up on each other’s lives. The end of my relationship made me reflect on a lot of aspects of my life and question whether I was making the healthiest choices for myself. I began hanging out with new (and better) people and my mom was genuinely interested in how my new friendships were progressing. With college on the periphery, I began to lean on her more for advice on applications and reassurance when I felt stressed. This new relationship slowly grew as I realized that Lisa wouldn’t judge me for a decision I made. She was invested in understanding me and being present when I needed her. There was never pressure on me to share, the outlet was simply there when I needed it. This accessibility made me want to give back; I wanted to be in her life like she was beginning to be in mine; I wanted to provide some emotional comfort like she gave to me. Obviously, she is my mother so this was a little different, but I tried to ask about her day and get her opinions on trivial things because she matters to me and I wanted her to know that. A mutual appreciation grew, and from that blossomed something similar to friendship.
One of the things I was worried about when I started getting closer to my mom was potentially making her uncomfortable with how much I would share. It was tricky to establish boundaries of which topics were okay to talk about and which things should be left behind. Lisa and I talked a lot about boys (because we already know that most of my life problems come from men). However, with that came discussions of sex and reproductive health, and I was unsure whether I would make my mom uncomfortable while discussing such topics. Originally, I chose to edit my stories when asking for advice and left out parts that I believed could cross this hypothetical boundary. But here’s the thing: that boundary was one I set without asking. I personally found it frustrating that I felt like I couldn’t give Lisa “the whole picture,” and I sometimes felt like hiding details of my relationships made our discussions more difficult and too convoluted. I ended up just asking my mom, “Hey, do you want to have the type of relationship in which we talk about sex openly? Would that make you uncomfortable?” She responded with a resounding “I would be happy to have that kind of relationship, so yes and then no!” All it took was asking, and I appreciate our uncensored relationship.
I’ve thought a lot about this and I think that the main reason why I was uncomfortable confiding in my mom was because I knew that she knew what I was feeling. She was once 15, 16, and 17 with the same friend, boy, and school trouble I had, and knowing deep down that she probably knew exactly how I felt made me feel incredibly vulnerable. Now, this isn’t anything my mom could control, which made it difficult for both of us to understand. It took a lot of emotional development on my part to be mature enough to value her understanding and to not be embarrassed at my emotional vulnerability. The experiences that she chose to share with me gave me new things to consider when facing similar situations. Her willingness to disclose the good and bad decisions that she made enabled me to avoid some mistakes or at least remedy my own hiccups. And the comfort of having someone to talk to who I knew had my best interest at heart, or was at least willing to listen to me and understand where I was coming from, was MONUMENTAL to my mental health. I genuinely do not know how I functioned without her as a close ally.
So what’s the point of all this? Well to start, I want to say thank you to my wonderful mother. As I said above, I appreciate your role in my life as both a mother and as a friend. You’ve consistently supported and cherished me and made me feel appreciated. I am a better person now that I have you in my life to talk to, and for that, I thank you.
To end this, I will say that if you readers desire a closer relationship with a parent, it all starts with honesty. I think parents generally appreciate it when their children incorporate them into their lives outside of the context of “typical parent.” Parents have been there, and that experience makes them pretty great to talk to. Who knows, maybe they are also looking for a new best friend.
xoxo love you mum
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