If there’s something more taboo than sex in our society, it’s porn. It’s ironic because porn has everything to do with sex, which means our society is simply intolerant to anything sex-related. The difference between sex and porn in our society is part of the private vs. public debate. Almost everyone believes that sex is an intimate part of their lives shared only with their sexual partner(s). It has no space or place in their public lives. Sex is, thus, something natural that “needs” to be concealed.
The problem with porn is, it makes sex public. It portrays people engaging in various, explicit, sexual acts in videos you can find online. Sex is no longer something you only share with your sexual partner(s); but rather, something you can also search for in order to find both sexual pleasure and gratification with people you don’t know. This notion makes our society uncomfortable.
For many, porn corrupts and distorts the essence of what a sexual encounter should be like. For some, it’s an unharmful expression of sexual liberation that can be enjoyed in their private lives. For me, it’s a little bit of both. It all depends on the context, subject, and situation.
There are limits in every relationship. It varies from person to person. Something I’ve been noticing more frequently is how, in some heterosexual relationships, women are uncomfortable with their partners watching porn. For these women, porn consumption can be a form of unfaithfulness. The reason behind this belief centers around the fact that their significant other is finding pleasure with the image of another woman. In other words, their partners are being mentally unfaithful because they’re lusting over someone outside the relationship. This discomfort only intensifies if their partner searches for women who look nothing like them.
Most often than not, these women are scared to mention this discomfort because it’s been internalized by men that porn consumption is normal and natural. If their partners so much as suggest to limit the time they spend on it, they answer: “Every man does it!” This defensive response comes from a place of familiarity. Porn was their first contact with sex, and for a time, their only source of sexual pleasure since they were introduced to it during their teenage years. However, their inability to detach from porn shouldn’t go over their partner’s limits, wants, and needs.
Women who aren’t afraid to state their limits when it comes to porn, especially the ones who don’t feel comfortable at all with their partners watching it, are often scrutinized and criticized. Since porn has become a palpable presence in our private lives, especially those of men, people believe it’s ludicrous and selfish to ask your partner to stop watching it. These women are made to feel as though what they’re asking for is wrong. In reality, they’re expressing something they don’t tolerate in a relationship to their partners. The least they deserve is to be heard without judgement. That’s part of being in a healthy relationship: stating limits, expressing discomforts, acknowledging fears, sharing expectations, and making the relationship work by being active and empathic.
There are women who are perfectly comfortable with porn consumption within their relationships. They don’t feel intimidated by the women their partners watch, and in fact, are able to watch porn with their partners as a form of intimacy. They have no problem with their partners’ usage of porn, and in return, watch it themselves in private. Masturbation is as much a part of the relationship as sex is. For them, it’s all about trust and confidence.
However, as is with every relationship, there are limits. If porn makes their partners unable to perform during sex, it becomes a problem. If their partners prefer porn over sex with them, the relationship becomes uncomfortable and painful. If their partners can only perform during sex by watching porn, it becomes an unhealthy addiction.
Porn addiction can and will put a strain in a relationship. It affects both partners in different ways. The male partner gets caught in the fantasy that porn promises, thus, detaching himself from enforcing the natural connection and love that forms when he’s physically with his partner. The bond that inextricably links them as something more than just a couple, something soul deep, is broken by his wired need to see specific things in order to get stimulated.
In return, the female partner loses confidence in both herself and the relationship. She feels as though she has to compete with something that’s not even physical but has everything to do with looks. This creates insecurities and self-doubt. These women believe that, within porn addiction, women are seen as less than human and more as body parts.
When porn is not used as an outlet of occasional sexual liberation and exploration, it promotes a toxic and twisted perception of what sex should be like. Porn shows its ugly face when someone can’t differentiate between the fantasy it portrays and the reality they live. The dark and misogynistic side of porn is reflected when women are simply searched by body parts: the size of their breasts, how big is their ass, whether she’s petite or tall, the stereotypical searches for each ethnicity, what she can do with her mouth…
We’re rendered useful only for what our body parts can do and the objectification of our bodies. Needless to say, we’re so much more than that. Sex is so much more than what porn offers. It’s even more beautiful when you share an act so intimate and passionate with someone who equally lives outside the fantasy porn creates.
There is nothing wrong with establishing boundaries within your relationship, however absurd it may seem to other people. There is nothing wrong with enjoying porn and being comfortable with your partner’s consumption of it. What is wrong is telling another person what is and is not normal in their relationship. If porn makes you feel uncomfortable, your reasoning is valid. If porn is an occasional endeavor that you explore with your partner to solidify the relationship, your reasoning is valid. Every person is different. Let’s just call out porn for what it is, in its dual nature: a source of sexual liberation that can also disparage women. Enjoy your sexuality however it feels natural, safe, and satisfying!