LOATHE: Shopping for pantyhose
Okay girls – I know nobody wears these things unless you were raised on cotillions or work at Hooters, so a lot of you probably can’t relate to this, but here’s the deal:
Eventually EVERY girl is going to need a pair for something. For me, the military makes you wear them as part of your uniform when you are in a skirt. How often I wear my uniform skirt varies, but let’s just put it this way – I wear them way more than any 22 year old in their right mind would chose to. Pantyhose, being the annoyingly delicate things they are get rips in them by simply looking at them with too much force, which leaves me shopping for a new pair quite often. Every time I go though, I feel like it gets more confusing.
My last adventure landed me in a 24-hour Walgreens at 5:30am staring at boxes that had letters from A-Q on them. Apparently these are supposed to coordinate to an intricate table system for sizing on the side of the box that only a MENSA or Illuminati member can decipher. But ladies, figuring out your size is only half the battle because after that you’re left to figure out what color matches your skin tone – and let me tell you – there’s no table for that one. I was left to choose between Nude and Sun-kissed. You might be thinking that those colors sound very close together. You are probably imagining that one is the average white person skin tone and the other is a nice summer tan. You would be wrong. “Nude” is apparently code for Irish/Alaskan-person-who-hasn’t-seen-the-sun-in-six-months. And Sun-kissed looks like Snooki got trapped in her tanning bed for an hour and came out burnt to a nice dark brown. What the hell? Why can’t there be one called “Italian in Winter” made just for me?
I’m on the verge of growing out my leg hair to the point that it just LOOKS like I’m wearing pantyhose so that I don’t have to deal with it anymore. So, if anyone has any tips on making these trips less painful – please (no really, PLEASE) share them with me. New Orleans will thank you.