Maybe it’s like buying a new car – once you’re driving a Ford truck, suddenly you see Ford trucks everywhere. They were always there, but you just never really paid attention. Once you own one, though, it’s as if you’ve become trained to spot them everywhere. That’s how I feel about rape culture, now. Ever since I started this project, I’ve seen and experienced so many examples of rape culture – and of course they were always there, which makes me feel sad. Take Back the Night, an annual march and rally aimed at empowering women and exposing violence and sexual assault, came right after a bunch of new experiences with rape culture, all in one week. Let me share some of them with you:
1) I was walking with a girlfriend on campus, going to get our mail, wearing running sneakers, sweatpants, and a rather unflattering yet super comfortable sweatshirt. We were just walking and I felt no need or desire to look presentable. A couple of guys in an upstairs apartment started cat-calling and shouting suggestive things to us from an open window. I mean, come on, really? Can’t I go get my mail on campus without street harassment? I bet this hasn’t happened to my male neighbors or to those idiot boys.
2) Similarly, I went out to the bars in Oswego with a couple of girlfriends. We decided to get all dressed up and go have a fun night out, just us girls. When we walked past one bar, an obnoxiously drunk man started yelling things like “Hey baby, come on over,” and other really disgusting things. Excuse me, but I am not wearing a skirt for you; I’m wearing it for me. I like dressing up and going out with my girls, but having people leer at me isn’t pleasant. My little black dress does not give you the right to make dirty comments. Seems like I can’t win – if I’m dressed down I get harassed, and if I’m dressed up I get harassed… Not okay.
3) Walking home last night, in the dark, by myself, a group of guys in a Jeep passed me on the road and screamed out the window. It scared the crap out of me, honestly. I’m not that big or strong and I was alone. This is exactly what Take Back the Night is all about – I should NOT have to feel scared to walk anywhere alone, especially on my own college campus.
4) One more, and this one makes me very sad. I wasn’t going to share it, but after listening to all of the brave men and women at the speak out at Oswego’s Take Back the Night, I feel like I should share it. I think it’s important for everyone to share their stories, so that maybe others will feel brave enough to share theirs.
Anyway, I visited a friend for a little while over the weekend. We’ve been pretty close for a while – he’s like a protective, goofy older brother to me, and I can normally come to him with problems and he’s a patient listener. He’ll joke around, but he won’t judge anyone seriously and is genuinely a good person, which is why this felt so distressing to me.
He was talking about hookups, a topic I usually avoid anyway, but he asked me a hypothetical question about whether I thought girls hook up with random people they don’t know in bars. I said that I certainly wouldn’t, but I can’t answer for every girl. It’s not my cup of tea, so I’m not the right person to ask. He suddenly said, “Well you did with –– . You could have said no.”
He was referring to something I shared with him once, a long time ago, and I thought he knew how painful and awkward it was for me to think about, let alone talk about. Basically, I had been dating someone who wasn’t nice to me, and made me think that I was only worth what I could offer with my body. I thought I was not allowed to say no. My self esteem plummeted, and I sunk into a depression that I have not talked about with many people. Because of it, I thought I was worthless, so when another boy approached me after I ended things, I thought it was okay for him to do the physical things he did while I was extremely intoxicated. I didn’t know that I deserved more.
I was pretty messed up after it, and felt so much guilt that I didn’t even know what to do with myself. I came to my friend to talk about it, and at the time he seemed to understand. But being judged so suddenly this week for something I guess I mistakenly thought someone could understand hurt a lot. It’s victim-blaming, slut-shaming, whichever you prefer, and personally, I don’t think it’s okay. This is my plea to you, whoever reads this, to never make someone feel like that. It sucks.
Back to the main point of this – writing all of my experiences with rape culture this week really helps put them into perspective. This was only one week, one person. Imagine how prevalent rape culture is if every single woman has similar experiences every week… That’s pretty scary, if you ask me.