Are you there God? It’s me, Molly.
Thank you for having the fates work in my favor by bringing Seth Meyers and Colin Jost to UCF in the spring. For free. So much about this makes my heart and funny bone very happy.
You already know that Saturday Night Live has so much of my heart. If I had a God other than you, God (WHICH I OF COURSE DO NOT THIS IS JUST HYPOTHETICAL), it would probably be Lorne Michaels. Ever since that phase in the fourth grade when I was on my elementary school’s morning news, field-tripped to a local news station and looked that teleprompter straight in its scrolling eye, I was sure I was destined to be a portal for sensationalized news.
I’ve always dreamt of being on SNL. However, at that point in time the only impersonations I honed were Raven Baxter, whiny Lucille Ball and Shrek’s burp followed by the profound “Better out than in, I always say!” So, I knew my “in” would be my extensive experience on the “Thundering Thursday Morning Crew.” My overdramatic fourth grade self was convinced I would get on SNL and be the anchor for Weekend Update. That was so totally Raven. The best of both worlds for me, comedy and a big fancy desk.
Until I came to my senses a few weeks later and discovered that when people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I was still young enough to get away with saying “ice cream taste tester” and “rockstar.” Either way, I’ve always admired the writing and quick wit of the SNL cast and have shushed every loud-talker in the room when Weekend Update is on.
So, I’m just so freakin’ excited to see Seth Meyers and today, I thank you for him and his finest sketch, “Really?! With Seth.” I know you love SNL too, God, because you love awesomeness. So today I bring you, “Really, God?! With Molly.”
According to The Huffington Post and my grandma, crimped hair is making a comeback. Really?! I mean, I support random comeback trends. I wear high-waisted shorts despite the fact that they’re walking wedgies and undeniably unflattering on anyone with over 7 percent body fat. I rock oversized flannels and messy hair in the spirit of ’90s grunge even though I look like a brunette Kurt Cobain. But crimped hair?! Just, no. Why, oh, why?! It takes hours to do, going crimp by crimp as your hair sizzles and your every last ounce of attractiveness dissolves. I’m still mortified that I ever even channeled the hairspiration of Lizzie McGuire and went on a crimping rampage in elementary school. But now, able-minded and aware adults think it looks good! Really?!
People who constantly update social media sites at the gym…Really?! Last time I checked, girls like a little mystery. Oh! A guy’s in shape, that’s cool! Is he a collegiate athlete? Does he play ragtag pickup games of football with his pals on the weekends? Are his arms toned from safely carrying little kids across hot molten lava? Nope. He updates his status every day: “Gettin’ swole at the gym. #swole #swag #musclemilk #2000reps.” Really?! Is that supposed to be intriguing? ‘Cause I’m not impressed. Honorable mention of impressive gym-dwellers… People with their hair down and perfectly styled and ready to go out on the town! Really?!
On the eighth day, you created Spotify and Pandora. Then the devil said, “Let there be horrible and frightening advertisements.” Really? Are you sure someone listening to the Norah Jones station or the “Wicked Original Broadway Cast Album” is the demographic for the world’s scariest movie trailer? Really? How about when I turn on the instrumental bliss of Explosions in The Sky or some smooth Ella Fitzgerald jazz as I drift off to dreamland and then BAM! LET’S BLARE THE COMMERCIAL FOR ‘THE LAST EXORCISM’ TO REALLY WAKE THAT MORON UP! Really?! As if night terrors due to the time I watched Poltergeist in the third grade didn’t already take enough years off my life!
Almost as scary as those advertisements interrupting my REM Cycle is the fact that couples think it’s okay to sit on the same side of the booth or table at a restaurant. Really? Okay, we get it! You’re dating! Can they just not bear to miss the opportunity to rub the dry elbows of their significant other while cutting their Applebee’s steak into little bite-sized pieces to feed each other? Really?! What are they looking at? Honestly, it would make me more comfortable to know that their adult invisible friends or ghost pals are sitting across from them than the fact that the couple just insists on sitting that close to each other at any and all public places.
People who use the word “literally” incorrectly. Really? You’re “literally” so pissed because you missed Chick-Fil-A breakfast by 10 minutes? Really? TMI…and you should probably go change your pants. Wait. You’re “literally” dying watching a goat sing a Taylor Swift song? Really? Should I call an ambulance? Literally? Well, you’re all the little boy who cried wolf with these un-literal literallys and I’m figuratively going to punch you in the face.
How about just how necessary it is to change the Webcourses password every 5 seconds? With one capital letter, 17 Chinese characters, 456 numbers, a self-portrait, hieroglyphics and a haiku. Talk about a Pegasus power trip. I feel like every time I sign onto Webcourses I’m either stressing out trying to remember my newly created, spy-proof password or I’m taking so much time and energy creating a new one that I’ve lost all motivation to do whatever it was I was signing on to do.
Really?! Gimme a break.
P.S.: You can pick up your tickets to see Seth Meyers and Colin Jost starting March 11 at the front desk of Office of Student Involvement (Student Union room 208) with valid UCF I.D.