“I’m at AU for a study abroad program and I’m here until May. I’ve been absolutely enjoying my stay here and recently I got a boyfriend. We realized that this would have to end in May, but we dated anyway. I’m falling for him but I have to go home because my visa expires. We know that the odds of us continuing this with a long distance relationship is not likely to work out. So my question is how do we end things on a good note and not ruin what little time we have left together?” – Exchange in Love
WARNING: All hyperlinks in this article are country music related. Proceed with caution. These links were intentionally placed here to help our study abroad reader get a taste of Americana whilst at American U. Yee-haw.
Congrats on the bf. Glad to hear you were able to fit in some “extracurriculars” while here at AU.
How realistic of you two, to have already discussed the end so near to the beginning. I think that you both did a good job of braving it and getting the facts and consequences out there in the open. Definitely a bold move that the Doc supports, even if it was a difficult convo to have. (Like uncooked broccoli, might be tough to swallow, but good for you.)
Even though most people will tell you that long-distance relationships are impossible, I am not going to tell you that. I happen to believe that some long-distance relationships do have what it takes to work. Not all, but some. Those are the great stories to hear about. Epic ballads of romantic heroine and heroes overcoming the greatest obstacle and foe of all: the great probability of failure. Even if there is a 99 percent chance of failure, it means that there is still a possibility of success.
Now there are essentially three routes I could see this playing out. First, you can stay on schedule (academic year, I suppose) and call it quits when finals are over. Second, you could try to have a long-distance thing and then it might fail. And the third you could stick with it and succeed.
What is a successful relationship? To some, this might mean 5 (not 4, because that is way too few) kids, a white picket fence, a golden retriever and a minivan. But a successful relationship might also just mean a good experience, one in which you had the opportunity to get to know another person intimately. You define your own success, don’t let others do it for you. A long-distance relationship with a guy that you like could be a good experience, even if you don’t happen to “work out” and have that a farm-full of kiddies and soccer practice every Thursday night. (Seemed to work out for these two.)
Doc’s turn to tell a tale. If you’d like to hear less about me, and get back to my response to the reader’s question, then skip the italicized portion.
Back in my younger years, when I was a wee senior in high school, I was faced with the choice of leaving my girlfriend of one year for all the new college chicks (appropriate vernacular in this case, because last time I checked AU’s mascot is an Eagle). My gf was one year behind me in school (cradle-robber), and there was no guarantee that she’d even join me in DC when she went to college. We still rolled the dice and stayed together.
We did the long-distance, high phone bill thing for a year. She graduated and came to DC for school. We were two lovebirds happily reunited. And about a year later, it came to an end. The relationship had been tested by time (3+ years) and geography (thousands of miles), but when neither of these pressures were a concern, it came to an end.
I don’t regret one moment of that relationship. Sure, parts were painful, but I came out of it a stronger person and I am very grateful to my ex-gf for braving it with me.
(Please, note that I am in no way trying to belittle the difficulties of long-distance relationships. These types of relationships present social, emotional, financial, and scheduling difficulties up the ying-yang. But, hey, love in its pure form is stronger than any prescription any doctor could prescribe.)
Now for the guy’s perspective. If you have not been dating for that long, be careful with your interpretations of your feelings for him. Any sort of major life event (like finishing up a study abroad program and moving back to another country after starting a relationship with a nice guy), can make one’s emotions difficult to read accurately. Emotions can often be heightened by events like this, good and bad emotions. It’s important to try to get a clear reading of your feelings. After dating for a few semesters, most guys still do not want to hear that the girl, who they might have just gotten comfortable with calling her his girlfriend, has confessed her love for him. Especially if you already agreed with him that this relationship wouldn’t last and was a temporary fun fling. Be careful with your presentation. Recognize that unless he feels the same way about you, turning the relationship into a long-distance one might simply postpone the end for a few months and could add drama that could have been avoided.
Give it some thought. Would it be worth trying, even if it might not work out? If so, then go for it. Seriously, a failed relationship sucks, but the heart will heal and you will find successful relationships down the road. But living with the regret that you didn’t take a chance when you should have is much worse. (Or so a wise man next to me once said.)
Relationship drama? Don’t know what he’s thinking? Submit a question to the guy-necologist, the ladies’ doctor.