I know we live in a super cool culture in which people would much rather stick their tongues down complete strangers’ throats than ask them out to dinner. However, I’m writing this post about awkward dates anyway because I sincerely hope that dating has not fallen so far off our radars that my wonderful readers cannot even empathize with a blog about it. So, let’s talk about awkward lunch/dinner dates. Unfortunately for us mere mortals, real life dinner dates are not like that adorable Lady and The Tramp scene in which the two animated dogs share a bowl of spaghetti and find themselves eating through the same piece of pasta until their lips meet in the middle for an epic kiss. In reality, we fantasize over this classic scene as we spend hours tweezing our brows, powdering our faces, and straightening our hair in preparation for a big date, until we are suddenly hit with the absolute reality of what we are about to endure. A dinner date requires someone to sit across from a guy she actually might like and attempt to make effortlessly charming conversation while consistently shoving food into her mouth. Whoever decided that eating and trying to impress a potential significant other simultaneously is a good idea was seriously mistaken. If you think I’m overthinking it and that dinner dates aren’t that awkward, brace yourself for the realization of your incorrectness. I have outlined various scenarios that prove how awkward eating and dating at the same time truly is:
Scenario one: Get Your Hair Out Of Your Mouth, Young Lady!
Am I the only girl whose mother consistently nagged her at the dinner table to remove her hair from her face so that it does not get in her dinner? Well, apparently I should have listened to mom instead of rolling my eyes at her with hyper-dramatic pre-teen attitude, because this is a consistent problem when I am on dates. Most girls want to wear their hair down on a date, because chick flicks and society in general make us believe that we are more attractive with our hair down (cue the nerdy nobody removing her glasses and releasing her ponytail to reveal a dazzling goddess). However, our tousled and shiny locks become much less glamorous when we are pulling pieces of hair (most likely covered in food…GROSS!) out of our mouths in front of our dates.
Scenario two: This Is Such A Cheesy Date!
First, can we please acknowledge my hilarious cheesy pun (I did it again!!!)? Now, this is a scenario I am all too familiar with. I’m not really one of those I’m-not-hungry-I-just-want-a-salad type of girls. I really like cheese, so I tend to go for the cheesiest options on the menu. Therefore, my date meals generally consist of mac & cheese, grilled cheese, nachos, or quesadillas. Unfortunately, cheese can sometimes be a bit too – for lack of a better description – cheesy. Thus, the fork carries the cheesy food from the plate to the mouth, the eater eats the cheesy food, the eater and the eater’s date both realize that a string of cheese is still dangling from the eater’s mouth down to the plate. The whole thing is very attractive. That was a lie. It is incredibly embarrassing and awkward no matter how you attempt to defuse the situation.
Scenario three: Jaw of Steel, Nom Nom Nom
Eating chewy food that prevents you from responding to your date’s riveting inquiry right away is probably the most common awkward dinner date scenario. Nothing is worse than those fifteen to thirty-five seconds of pure silence between your date and you as you attempt to chew and swallow your stubbornly chewy food as quickly as possible without choking on it so that you can answer whatever question he has just asked you. In this situation, I typically hold up my index finger to indicate that I will answer the question in a moment, and then attempt to giggle in an adorable manner so that my date finds the situation endearing rather than uncomfortable. However, my “adorable” giggle normally results in my snorting, choking, or spitting some food out of my mouth which obviously enhances my date’s discomfort rather than relieving it. Needless to say, I will not be hearing from this guy again.
I can think of plenty of other awkward dinner date scenarios, such as discovering a piece of bone or meat fat in your mouth and having to remove it without disgusting your date, eating your food while it is still too hot and having to either spit it out or burn your mouth, having food stuck in your teeth or noticing food stuck in your date’s teeth, and having giant pieces of salad lettuce that you have to jam into your mouth all at once (even those who opt for a simple salad can’t catch a break!). Due to this endless list of uncomfortable possibilities, perhaps you shouldn’t get too excited the next time a cute guy asks you out to dinner. I hope I have displayed enough backup to convince you of the accuracy of my theory that the dinner date is an extremely bizarre concept. However, it does give us the opportunity to talk to cute guys and eat good food at the same time. These are two of my favorite hobbies, so you could say that a dinner date “kills two birds with one stone”. On the other hand, a dinner date can also kill the chemistry, and, due to the overly analyzed scenarios explained above, leave both you and your date walking out of the restaurant thinking: That was awkward.