Ivy is a student-produced dramatic web series that aired its first episode on March 9th. I watched devoured all twenty-two minutes and eighteen seconds of that first installment, and I have one piece of advice for you: whatever you do, NEVER, EVER, EVER watch this series. Ever. You don’t trust my word? Okay, fine. I’ll give you four reasons to unfollow the Ivy page on Facebook, to exit out of the YouTube link, and to forget this show ever existed.
1. Hysterical and all-too-relatable scenes
The opening scene: a frazzled student rushes in late to his prospectus meeting with his TF with NO FREAKING CLUE about what is happening in class or in the readings. Or another: the same student (Oliver) forgets his ID card and is forced to wait in the freezing cold for some random person (or not so random—say, an ex-boyfriend?) to open the door. Or the scene when Harley’s hook-up butchers her name. Do you WANT to crack up, laughing like a maniac, and make your roommate think you’re insane for enjoying a TV show way too much? I didn’t think so.
2. Extraordinarily attractive men
Look.
LOOK.
FEAST YOUR EYES.
Do you want to run the risk of drooling all over your laptop and having to explain to your computer technician exactly WHY your keyboard has “water damage”? Or what if you see them around campus!? How are you going to abstain from FANGIRLING and completely humiliating yourself?
Not worth the risk. Especially when you see the girls they associate themselves with…
You know what, it’s probably best to not even try.
3. The threat of becoming emotionally attached to the characters
“Oh no. Luc, don’t be sad. Don’t be depressed. Don’t make me cry! Let me comfort you!”
“Oliver, why are you in such a dysfunctional relationship?! Don’t get so attached! It’s going to end badly!!”
“HARLEY, GIRL, YOU ARE WORTH SO MUCH MORE THAN A LATE-NIGHT HOOK-UP. PLEASE DON’T SUBJECT YOURSELF TO THIS.”
Goes back to the whole roommate-maniac scenario. And those of you in singles (lucky), don’t think you’re immune. Your blubbering sobs and screaming outbursts of indignation at your laptop screen will penetrate those paper thin walls. I’m telling you—STAY AWAY.
4. Complete and total addiction
There should be an Ivy Anonymous for those who have been driven to madness by the delayed uploading of the next installment. Questions to be discussed: Will the sexual tension between DK and Layla ever be resolved? What is this illicit affair between Oliver and (I won’t write his title here, because you will be too tempted to dig deeper)? But most of all—were Harley’s cupcakes really that burnt? I mean, come on, I have eaten my fair share of blackened popcorn and crunchy cookies. It’s really difficult to butcher dessert food.
Just watching this first episode is enough to make me admit, “Hi, my name is Aubrey, and I am addicted to Ivy.”
So take my advice, collegiettes, because Ivy will hook you within the first minute and refuse to release you from its clutches. If you want to keep believing that Harvard is void of artistic talent, or if you want to continue feeling like nobody on this campus understands you and what you go through—never, ever, EVER watch Ivy.