1. Slipping on ice
There are two types of ice that people fall victim to.
Type 1: The obvious ice. The type of ice that is clearly visible. This could be clear ice so thick that it looks like a frozen lake, or it could be ice coating an uneven snowy walkway. Either way, it’s obvious. As you carefully tiptoe over the treacherous path, you think to yourself, “Be careful! There is a LOT of ice. Walk slow. You have got this. Nice, you’re almost there. Only two more…” and SLAM. You take a hard fall on your tailbone, cursing mid air. You look around, checking to see if anyone has seen your wipe-out, reacting with a small smile to yourself thinking, “Classic.”Type 2: Black ice. The type of ice that preys on people who are in a hurry, distracted, or unaware of their vulnerability during the frequent winter walks around campus. At a fast pace, you walk to beat the line for lunch. With the lone motivation of food, you suddenly forget about your surroundings. “I’m gonna make it! Yes, this never happens. What station am I going to hit up first?” All of a sudden, YOUR’E DOWN for the count. You react not with a smile, but a pissed off and aggressive recovery. As you stand back up, you realize that the critical time you have lost has cost you your prime spot in the line.Regardless if whether or not you are a person who is naturally prone to eating pavement, everyone is at risk for slipping on the ever-present ice that cakes the ground during the winter. Here is my solution:
Buy a mini pillow pet. Nestle that fluffy goodness right in between your underwear and your jeans (or leggings). When you face the inevitable wipe out, you are now safely protected from a butt bruise that lasts for a week. I’m a fan of the pillow pet method because it is easily removable and you now have a portable pillow for class.
2. Losing one glove
When you are walking to class, you suddenly remember how prepared you were for today’s teeth-chattering weather. Smiling, you reach into your pockets only to experience the heart-wrenching realization that only one pocket has a glove nestled inside. Now you are faced with the agonizing decision of picking what hand you value you more to shield from the relentless winds of Iowa. Do you pick the right hand to keep warm because it’s the hand you write with? Or do you pick the left hand, because that’s the hand you use to open up the door of (insert academic building here)? I am a firm believer in never having to pick which hand you value more. All body parts are equally important. Here is my solution:
Don’t take your gloves off… ever. Keep them on in class, sleep with them, eat with them, live a life with your gloves on. Your hands will forever be warm and will never be dry from the harsh wind sucking the life from them.
3. Tongue stuck to an icicle
First of all, why are you trying to lick one of those? Most often icicles hang from the gutters of buildings and homes. That ice drips from these extremely dirty places to form the pretty dangling ice. Don’t let the pretty dangles fool you, they are super dirty.But if you must lick one… Here is my solution:
Carry a thermostat of hot water with you. For one, it keeps your hands warm, but more importantly, you can use the hot water to separate your tongue from the ice in case of an emergency.
(Just don’t eat the icicles.)
4. Baking
It’s the weekend, and you are running out of ways to procrastinate. You can’t go outside because, let’s be honest, no one is down to have their toes and feet numbed for an undetermined amount of time. You have an epiphany, “I’ll bake cookies! My friends will be so happy and my floor will smell so good.”
This plan is very good in theory, but don’t kid yourself. You are not baking cookies for your friends to eat; you are baking cookies for you to eat. Even if you are strong and restrict yourself to eating only one of the baked cookies, you 100% ate enough dough that realistically counts as 3 cookies. Now the cookie count is up to 4. Everyone knows that the dough does not count, but our stomachs do not understand this perfectly reasonable logic.This method of procrastination gets to be extremely dangerous if it becomes the go-to. Yes your friends and floor will love you forever, but your stomach will not. Here is my solution:
Don’t bake.
5. Showering in the morning
- BEEP BEEP BEEP
- “Ugh not happening yet”
- (Hits snooze)
- 10 minutes later: BEEP BEEP BEEP
- “Ha nope”
- (Hits snooze again)
- 10 minutes later: BEEP BEEP BEEP
- “CRAP I’m late. Must brush teeth. Must shower… do I have time? Yeah I got this”
The morning is a struggle for everyone. And in normal circumstances, your valiant efforts of getting ready quickly are much rewarded by your friend’s words of approval when you brag about your fifteen-minute triumph. But in winter… wet hair freezes. Not only does your hair freeze, but a good portion of your body heat escapes from the top of your head; thus increasing the likelihood of you getting a cold. Instead of a triumph, you now have a cold and a pocket full of lemon Ricola. Here is my solution:
Use the hood of your coat. Hoods are so underrated and are excellent defense mechanisms against the blustery winter winds. Another option for those of us who do not have hoods is to stuff your hair in your hat. Your hair is still wet and still eligible for styling. Style it with a brush on the go once you get inside a toasty building. And remember, you are always beautiful no matter how you hair is styled.
6. Throwing your snowball at the wrong person
Feeling mischievous one day, you plot a fool-proof plan to throw a perfectly-formed snow ball at your best friend. Your thoughts go something like this:
“The timing is right, she’s not looking (slowly kneels down to form the perfect ball of snow). Ok, time to move in.” You run up for the sneak attack, wait for the friend to turn around, and let the glorious ball fly from your fingers… into the face of a complete stranger.
This is just awkward. Not only have you attacked the wrong person with freezing snow, in the process, you have now revealed your hidden immaturity and childlike tendencies. No one smiles. You apologize profusely and/or run away. Either way, you epically failed. To avoid this whole situation, here is my solution:
Run up to your target; confirm the target, and then launch. You now have attacked the correct target, aimed with better accuracy, and forcefully launched the snowball wherever your icy little heart desires.