I think that the first time I truly began to fear failure was my senior year of high school. The whole idea of college scared me to death: What do I want to do? How do I find the perfect school? What if I didn’t get in? What if I can’t afford it? From there, it only grew when I finally made it to KU. What if I don’t make any friends? Am I taking the right classes? Is this the right major for me? I felt as though every small decision I made from this point forward would have some drastic effect on my future, and that was tough. No one ever told me that you spend most of your college years walking on egg shells because at any minute, you could become that poster child for failure that everyone jokes about. I began to question whether or not this was what adulthood was, and if I’d feel this way forever.
It started with my major. I’m not dissing Music Therapy; it’s a truly amazing profession, just not the one for me. I fought throughout my entire first semester trying to convince myself that this is what I wanted to do, that it was hard but I couldn’t give up. I wouldn’t become one of those students who changed their major five times and risked being in school for six years. I wouldn’t be the girl who couldn’t handle going to school for music, the girl who was good, but not good enough. But I also couldn’t change that I wasn’t going to class, that I wasn’t doing the work and that I truly wasn’t happy. Now I will spare you the details of my search-for-the-holy-grail-of-right-majors story and just say that changing your major doesn’t make you a failure. You were seventeen or eighteen years old when you were making a decision about what you wanted to do for the rest of your life alongside what color your prom dress should be. The world will cut you some slack if you still don’t know what you’re doing. Those who come into college undeclared are some of the bravest souls I’ve ever met, because they’re honest, and if I’ve learned anything in my one and a half years of college it’s that you have to be honest with yourself if you want to succeed.
I didn’t want to be alone. Anyone who has ever been to college can attest to the fear of being alone. At one point or another we have all been so scared of having no one that we scramble. For me, that meant joining every organization I could find to make sure that I had friends and I was busy. I wouldn’t be the only person who didn’t post ten or more pictures on Facebook/Instagram within my first week of school to show the world that I was having fun and that people liked me. But the truth is, the happiness I portrayed in those pictures is as cheesy as the filters themselves. It wasn’t about getting to know people or sharing in this amazing opportunity, it was about numbers: friends, likes, follows, pictures, tags, red solo cups. I overcommitted myself and my word began to mean nothing. Like class, I just stopped showing up and started letting more and more people down. I ended up more alone than I ever thought I could be after I had tried so hard not to. What I’ve learned since then is that it’s ok to be alone. If you start out small, you’ll have nowhere to go but up and so much progress to hang your hat on.
I was surrounding myself with the wrong people. One of the most heartbreaking things I did during my freshman year was try to fight for those who weren’t fighting back. I’m not talking about the hundreds of people we all added during our first few weeks of school that we never actually talked to again and awkwardly deleted at one point or another, and I won’t go in to detail because that wouldn’t be right. But I will tell you that if you find yourself stood up, forgotten about, a last resort or not even someone they think about, it’s time to move on. Friends need to be made and kept naturally, the people who want to be in your life will be and the rest you just have to let live, and you’re not a failure for letting go. Like you, these people are trying to find themselves too and you know it’s not easy. We all have class, many of us have jobs and we all have responsibilities and it makes time hard to come by, but you can’t let yourself get worked up. Cut those around you some slack, but don’t give them enough rope to hang themselves because the only person who will end up getting burned is you.
Now this is a two-part mistake because it’s not like high school where one sleepover makes you best friends. We’re all trying to become adults here and that means there’s a little more to it than giving them their own album on Facebook. When you get older, you don’t have fifteen best friends and the word “love” isn’t an every conversation type of word. Knowing someone takes work because we’re all on our own and no one wants to get hurt. You’re not a failure for letting your guard down, even if you do get hurt. Take time in getting to know those around you because again, it’s not like high school, you won’t see them every day and before you know it they’ll be gone. Give them a piece of you that they’ll remember and take pride when they return the favor, those are the friendships that last a lifetime.
Finally, I forgot who I was. As cheesy as it sounds, KU is about diversity and that’s something that really drew me to come here. When I walk down Jayhawk Boulevard I see new faces every single day and that’s what I love about a big state school, that’s why I chose KU. I came here as a headstrong Ohioan and melted into just another one of those freshman who wore Sharks Surf Shop shirts and spent every Friday and Saturday night at the biggest party. I did whatever it took fit in, I saw change as a necessity and growth to be measured by how cool I could make my Snapchat story look. I lost touch with friends and family and to this day I can’t really tell you who I was for a large portion of that year. College gives you the cleanest of all slates and it could very well be your last; use it wisely and make sure to mold in to something you can be proud of and that starts by remember that every structure needs a solid foundation and you’re not a failure if you’re under construction for the rest of your life. Be confident in the person you already are, be patient as you grow and you’ll make the changes you’re supposed to.
So what is failure if not any of these mistakes, these heartaches or these troubles? I don’t have a 4.0, I’ve lost friends, I’ve broken promises and I’ve let people down but the most liberating thing I have learned since coming to Lawrence is that I am only a failure when I give up. When I choose to work a job that I hate, when I let people continually hurt me in ways they have so many times before and so on. You are not a failure if you fail a test or even an entire class. Not even if you fail an entire semester, get fired from a job, wreck a car, fall into debt, lose a best friend, whatever. You are a failure when you give up and decide that you are ok with wasting the rest of your life. We keep hearing how precious our time is, and I’m sure that first struck a chord with you when you graduated high school. When it felt like just yesterday you were a scared little freshman just trying to make it through the day. Well here you are again with a chance to basically do it all over again (just with harder classes and more real life-esque stuff to deal with) and I have learned that if you know the definition of failure, you won’t find yourself with so many what ifs and regrets when it comes time to walk through the Campanile, and you won’t find yourself walking on eggshells or worrying about something so useless. Because fear of failure is useless.
I will openly admit that at 20, I am no life expert, but these realizations have allowed me to shed some very heavy dead weight and given me the opportunity to experience truer happiness. I am sure I will look back on this article sometime in the future and smile because my heart was in the right place, but I still had so much to learn. The beauty of it is that with organizations like Her Campus, we can share these experiences and help each other along the way (even if we still have a long way to go).
Celebrating my 20th birthday with my friends. All smiles.