This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Columbia Barnard chapter.
One of my favorite girly pastimes (and I know I’m not alone in this) is, of course, reading the highly practical sex tips offered to me by the reputable sources of Cosmo, Glamour, and even Women’s Health magazines. How else am I going to know the new hot move that’s going to drive him crazy if I don’t read a saucy article written by a stranger whose weird fetishes I know nothing about? That being said, sometimes I really doubt the credibility of some of the techniques I’m encouraged to attempt. Here’s a little sample of the most entertaining tips I’ve encountered, and my responses to them.
1. From Cosmo: “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his area. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.”
Though I’m no professional, in my humble opinion it might be best to refrain from any pinching, tapping, slapping, or other treatment of a man’s genitals that resembles an effort to play a sport with them. Unless a specific request is made.
Image via giphy.com
2. From Cosmo: “Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you’re pushing his penis into his body).”
Potentially his greatest nightmare. I’m trying to imagine a guy telling me “Oh yeah, just shove it right back in where it came from” and it’s a difficult scenario to conjure up.
Image via tumblr.com
3. From Women’s Health: “The David Copperfield: While your guy is doing his thing, have him use his hands to push gently upward on your abdomen away from the pubic bone.”
So many questions. Obviously: what does this have to do with David Copperfield? Also: is David Copperfield supposed to turn me on? Lastly: what exactly is the purpose of this technique? I’m not particularly interested in having someone rub my tummy while we’re getting it on.
Image via pandawhale.com
4. From Glamour: “Don’t hold your breath!”
That’s it. That was the entire tip. I paid $3.99 for this shit and that’s all you have for me? A reminder to continue performing my unconscious, necessary human functions? Not gonna cut it, Glamour. There wasn’t even a free perfume sample in the binding.
Image via gifrific.com
5. From Cosmo: “Mix one tablespoon of saliva (the kind deep in your throat works best — its viscosity makes it a good substitute for lube) with one tablespoon of water to stretch the spit.”
… Should I get out my measuring cup in the middle of the act? Or is this a concoction I should have prepared ahead of time and kept in a jar in my fridge? Am I really so short on spit that I have to ration it?
Image via tumblr.com
There are so many more, but I’ll leave you with these few doozies to think over. What do you think? Helpful? Terrifying? What are your tips? Let me know in my anonymous confessional! https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7HCYFZD