A girl who has ever been in any type of relationship with a member of the opposite sex has probably discovered a variety of behaviors expressed by her male friend, brother, boyfriend, or father that she cannot comprehend. Many of these misunderstandings can lead to much more than confusion – often girls are hurt or offended by innocent actions from their male counterparts.
What is it exactly that makes men and women tick in different ways? And why don’t men understand what makes women tick?
It has long been said that men and women think very differently, but the significance of the difference may actually surprise you. Deborah Tannen, the author of “You Just Don’t Understand: Men and Women in Conversation,” tackles this age-old mystery and relays the reasons for fundamental miscommunication between the sexes. Her findings will help lead you to better understanding and save your relationship from unnecessary conflict.
Tannen’s fundamental thesis is that the difference between men and women’s communication styles is founded in their view of the world. Men see the world as a hierarchy, in which every relationship and conversation has a superior and inferior ranking. A man feels successful when he is dominant in a social interaction.
A woman, however, feels powerful when she is able to relate to others and feel connected. Just as men view success in terms of hierarchy, women view success through intimate networks and connections.
The trouble is not in these opposing views, but in the fact that women expect men to react and behave as women do, and men expect women to behave the same way as men. Each sex only knows their own mindset and therefore has incorrect expectations of the other. With this in mind, let’s look at a few everyday conflicts that may drive women crazy for no apparent reason (according to men).
Refusing to ask for directions. This is one of the most famous examples of disagreement and confusion between men and women. Tannen explains that a man will avoid asking directions at all costs because it is an instant step down on the social totem pole. For a man to stop and ask someone else for directions means he is submitting himself into a subordinate role in which he is lacking knowledge and relying on a superior source to deliver it to him.
A woman will often become infuriated if her partner refuses to pull over when they are lost, because in a woman’s mind asking for directions will not only solve the problem but asking someone for help creates a connection – not a hierarchy. Bottom line: when you get lost exploring all the bends South Bend has to offer, pull out the Maps app on your phone or offer to ask for directions yourself before asking your date to. Otherwise there may not be a second date.
He tells you his plans, he doesn’t run them by you first. Why doesn’t your boyfriend check with you before confirming plans with his buds on a night that you two had kinda/sorta/half-baked plans? Because he’s not a girl. Girls will often check plans with each other before scheduling something else – even if those original plans were not set in stone.
Boys will keep that half-baked plan in mind, but they won’t check with their girlfriend if someone proposes a trip to Chipotle before movie night. Checking in with someone is equivalent to boys as submitting to authority, meaning they are inferior if they check with you about their plans beforehand. So if you get a text that says “Went to Chipotle, will be back soon,” don’t be overly offended if you didn’t have super solid plans, just be happy he let you know! This lets him feel like a man.
Why he offers solutions and not sympathy. Tannen brings up the example of a woman who has just had a surgery that left a scar on her breast. This woman approaches her sisters and friends, and they all immediately affirm her woes, telling her how violated she must feel and consoling her. When the woman approaches her husband and she complains of the scar’s appearance, her husband suggests plastic surgery. A man feels helpful and useful by being a problem-solver, which her husband was attempting to do. The response was from a place of complete respect and kindness, but what the woman heard was that her husband was similarly repulsed by the scar and wanted her to fix it.
Because women think in terms of connection, confirmation of valid concerns is comforting. An immediately proposed solution made the woman feel like her husband didn’t care for her feelings, when in fact his instant search for a fix was his way of showing he cared. So the next time your boyfriend offers you a simple solution for a problem you are seriously frustrated with, don’t take your anger out on him. Go talk to some girlfriends to get the proper venting you need and then take his solution into account.
Why he’s not talking… And nothing’s wrong. Women consider talking to be a huge part of intimacy, as do men. But they view discussion in different ways. Women’s desire for intimacy leads them to expect discussion when men don’t necessarily. Tannen gave the example of a couple eating breakfast after spending the night together. It was the man’s idea to get up and have breakfast together before work, however, the woman was disappointed when her companion ate in silence with the newspaper as entertainment. Her expectation was different than his; in his mind, her presence was all that was needed for an intimate meal and the experience was cherished nonetheless. The woman anticipated conversation in order to become closer to her partner, which was not the case for him.
So if your boyfriend invites you over to watch television or if he occasionally pulls out a game on his phone – he’s not necessarily ignoring you. The expectation for conversation differs between men and women and you may be a part of an intimate moment for your partner even if you don’t know it.
Why you’re the only one who cares about details. Some men are very good at paying attention to details, others not so much. In fact, most men fall into the ‘not so much’ category. Women take a lot of interest in details of a story – whether they are telling it or listening to one – and men simply do not. The extents of detail that women give or ask for often irritate men. So if your boyfriend doesn’t care what you wear to his formal, doesn’t remember every piece of the story you told him that one time – don’t be offended. He’s a guy! He doesn’t understand your thirst for miniscule knowledge as much as you don’t understand his lack of desire for details.
The male species often appears to women as just that – a separate species entirely. Women and men view the world in such polar ways that our conversational and behavioral styles are doomed to conflict and clash occasionally. The key is to understand our partner’s intentions may not be what they seem, and to be patient and considerate of each other’s differing mindsets in order to better care for one another.
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