According to the website Love is Respect, one is six college women has been sexually abused in a dating relationship. A startling 43% of college women report experiencing violent and abusive dating behaviors. Perhaps the only thing more concerning than the commonality of these relationships is that additionally 58% of college women say they don’t know how to help someone in these circumstances. There are many wonderful online sources, as well as Kenyon resources (Peer Counselors, SMAs, Counseling Center, etc.), but in honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month I thought I’d offer one girl’s been-there-done-that perspective on how to support a friend in an abusive relationship.
First, remember what you see and they see are completely different. As an outsider looking in, it may seem obvious that your friend is in a toxic relationship. You are not wearing the rose-colored glasses, but your friend in this relationship sure is. They have emotions such as love and, quite possibly, fear clouding their view. It’s much harder then for your friend to be objective about their own relationship, so cut them some slack.
On that note, you may be very frustrated when you listen to the downright rude or abusive things your friend’s partner says or does. Listening to it may make you want to scream, “WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU, LEAVE THEM!” but do not say this. Definitely approach your friend if you feel something is up, but try to come at the angle of “I’m concerned about you and just want to make sure you are okay.” It will only strain your bond if you attack your friend for not dumping their significant other. It’s not that simple (rose colored glasses), and until they come to the decision, your job is to offer love and no judgement. You’ll lose your friend otherwise, and they need you right now more than ever.
Encourage your friend to reach out to someone. Even if they aren’t acknowledging the abuse in their relationship, saying something supportive such as “you know I don’t know all that much, but maybe heading over the Counseling Center would help you sort through all this. I went earlier this week and I would totally walk over with you!” Make it clear that you are a resource and then present them with others.
When I was a supporter, I thought if I poured every ounce of love I had into my abused friend then it would “rescue” her. I reasoned: “If she had me, she wouldn’t need to go back to him.” Alas, this is a dangerous mindset because you begin to think that if you give just a little more time and love then they will leave their abuser. It doesn’t work this way. Ultimately, the decision to leave or stay is theirs. All you can do is show your friend love and support. Being there, non-judgmentally and unconditionally, is the biggest thing you can do for that person.
There is a significant amount of discussion about the detriment of being in an abusive relationship, but (unfortunately) less so about the detriment of being a supporter of a person in an abusive relationship. Remember that although being there for that person is important, your well-being is more so. If you are being dragged into uncomfortable circumstances or if being so close to something so toxic is too much, then you can walk away. Remember that there are resources for your friend, but also you aka the Support for Supporters group, which meets every other Wednesday at 12 pm in Bemis Music Room. The reality is abusive relationships are happening all around us, but you are anything but powerless as a witness. Talk to your friend, offer them resources and kindness, all the while taking care of you too— together we can work to end this.
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