Most people picture their ideal life with a significant other, but for a small segment of the population, the ideal is very different.
Asexuality is not like celibacy or abstinence, which is more frequently motivated by religion. Instead, asexuality can be defined as the absence of sexual attraction.
That’s not to say that asexuals don’t feel sexually attracted to other people (I mean– Ashton Irwin and Beyonce are basically undeniable), but rather they don’t feel the need to act on their desires like most people do. Desire is almost experienced optionally, in the sense that it exists and is felt, but does not build.
Statistics on asexuality have only really emerged within the past 30 years, but that doesn’t negate the existence of asexuality before. Instead, this emerging data emphasizes a cultural shift to considering the possibilities beyond the heteronormative.
While asexuality is identified by the lack of sexual attraction, this does not mean that ‘Aces’ won’t ever fall in love or get married. Some people are asexual but not aromantic. Other people aren’t interested in sex or romantic love. Like in most relationships, it depends on the individuals involved.
To a culture obsessed with both sex and love, asexuality can be difficult to understand. Going through life with the traditional “go to school, go to college, date, get a job, get married” life-map becomes isolating if you realize that you don’t actually like anyone. That realization at any age can spiral into questions like: what if I never meet ‘the one’? What if I already met them and missed them? Am I really forever alone?
From birth, our generation has been bombarded with the idea that you need to be part of a couple to be happy, but if your subscription to this notion leaves you feeling unfulfilled, think about whether or not a relationship or sex is something you actually need in order to be happy. If the answer is no–that’s totally fine!
Emerging from this mindset involves a lot of reflection, but a good starting point is considering if you’re comfortable with the idea of being alone without being lonely (yes, there is a difference). For some people, relationships are like ice cream to cake, but there’s no reason why you can’t be happy having ice cream and cake as a party of one.
In sum, if you’re feeling isolated in the dating pool because you don’t actually want to wade in it, know that you don’t need a partner to live a happy and fulfilling life.
If you have any questions about asexuality consider looking into the Asexuality information from the Trevor Project and the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network, or reaching out to the UC Davis LGBTQIA.