Oh my god.
There they are.
Their hair glistening in the sunlight. Clothes perfectly falling on their body (that is probably fantastically sculpted). Their saunter? Flawless.
Why are they doing this to me? Why do they look like that? Why are they not in love with me yet?
If we we’re all honest with ourselves right now, we can probably think back to a time when we were crushin’ on that cutie spotted across the quad. Or maybe the one who sits so adorably in front row of your seminar class. Or if you’re like me, your crush doesn’t even know you’re alive, never mind the fact that the two of you go to the same school. So, what is the appropriate course of action when we lay eyes on the cutie walking towards you?
1. Collect yourself.
Do not freak out. This is it. You can do this. They are still far enough away to start planning everything out. It’s unclear why they look like a Ford Model at nine o’clock in the morning, but you are willing to overlook this.
2. Get your phone out as fast as possible.
It’s all about the placement. Keep your phone close by. Maybe in your jeans, the side pocket of your backpack? Anywhere within the reach of your hands. You’re going to need this device made for avoiding eye contact until the last second to play it cool.
3. Open snapchat.
Check your teeth. CASUALLY. Check your hair. Again, CASUALLY. Ok. All things check out. You are ready for this interaction. But wait…are you???
4. Text every single best friend who knows who your latest crush is.
First off, if the response you receive asks who you are talking about…you have chosen the wrong best friend. Clearly they do not know you well enough to make these life or death decisions right now. Now, make yourself look really cool and really funny. As you text (or fake text) throw in a smile, or maybe even a light chuckle. Keep things interesting. They need to know you might just be too cool.
**Disclaimer: keep your phone at a safe distance from your face. Don’t be that girl. It’s all fun and games until your crush thinks you’re an antisocial weirdo.**
5. Clear your throat.
The worst possible thing that could happen as you are about to speak to this angelic human being is that nothing comes out of your mouth. This is no time for guttural noises. Clear your throat and prepare yourself. It’s time to say “hey”.
6. Cross their path.
Make sure you are in their sights. Put your phone down. Slowly raise your head at just the right moment to keep the conversation to a bare minimum. Timing is everything here.
7. Don’t get weird.
If you have made it this far without turning around and running straight down Willow Path, you have to push through. Don’t get weird. Say hello. You can do this. You go to Colgate. You’ve debated about Supreme Court cases. You’ve determined what syllables are feminine and which are masculine in a sonnet. You’ve written a 32-bar song consisting of a melody, bass line, and drum sequence. So, you can do this.
8. Remain calm
Paths? Crossed. Eye contact? Made. Nervous sweat? Barely concealed. They initiate contact, which throws you off because you didn’t even know they knew you existed. They say “hey, what’s up”. This is your moment. You’re about to say “hey” because you are a chill girl and want them to know it. Except your brain and your words do not match up. You respond, “good”. Oh, no. Not your best. kid.
9. Walk a little faster now.
They are behind you now. The horrible thing that could have happened did, so it’s time for you to speed up. Get out of their sights ASAP. Get your phone out and start texting those best friends again. Let them know about what just took place and if you want them to run you over with their car now or later. This interaction needs to be deleted from history forever. CTRL, ALT, DELETE.
10. Start prepping for next time.
As you are sprinting away from your dream bae, frantically texting your friends, choking back tears of embarrassment and humiliation recognize what you could have done better (which was probably everything). Each time you see them, the butterflies will settle a little and you will be even more prepared. And remember as you reflect on the horrifying realness of your last point of contact, they probably aren’t even thinking about you. Oh well, at least slices will always be there for us.