Rebecca,
As I’m writing this, it’s hard to believe that it’s been a year and a half since we lost you to suicide. To me, it feels like you’ve been gone so much longer. Before this happened, I read articles and saw news reports about suicide, but never in a million years did I think I would ever become connected to it. The color yellow never had any special meaning before this happened, and now, whenever I wear it or see it somewhere, I think of you and the ongoing effort to prevent suicide. As I’m writing this letter, I’m looking at the yellow ribbon on my corkboard thinking of the moments we hung out together.
I know we weren’t best friends, but I’ll always keep close to me the memories of us just doing day to day things at school together. At school, we would park next to each other, and you always took the time to say hi to me, even if we only had a couple minutes. I still remember in ninth grade when we first met during P.E. class. All the times we played volleyball together and then all the Spanish projects we worked on together. We made a good team.
We would sit together in a group before class and just talk. I never thought those minute conversations would ever be important to me. You always listened to me, and I thought I listened to you, but I’ve always wondered if I did enough. The smile on your face kept me from wondering if you were okay. It wasn’t until you were gone that we all found out you weren’t okay. I’ll probably never know why this happened, and I’ve recently come to terms with this. I’ve learned to focus on the positive memories instead of dwelling on the “why.”
The key word here is “never,” because I never thought anything was wrong. I was speechless when I found out; it was just complete disbelief. It didn’t feel like reality. Senior year was hard without you. It just felt like you missed out on so much. At our senior lunch, we were honoring you with a moment of silence when you should’ve been there with us in the first place. I wonder what you would’ve worn to prom or where you would have gone after high school. Such a sweet and bright girl who is now gone way too soon.
Thinking of you,
Ilana