My first time was right out of a movie… a movie like American Pie that is. We were both drunk at a party, barely knew each other, and wanted to experience something new. It was awkward and totally out of character for me, but that’s kind of why I did it in the first place. After the fact, we never spoke again. Sure, I see this person around sometimes, but we pretend we don’t exist to each other. It’s not like I fell in love with the guy; it’s just weird to think that I did something so intimate with someone that I can’t even look in the eyes now.
In the heat of the moment, first year me made a decision that I don’t regret to this day, but don’t think I would make again.
I’m not waiting because I think it’s going to be a magical, life-changing experience the second time around; I’m not that naïve. I don’t expect the person I have sex with for the second time to be the only person I ever have sex with ever again. I don’t expect to share an undying love with them because we’ve had sex either.
I am not the cliché character who is waiting for Mr. Perfect, because I’ve been around long enough to know that perfection and human beings don’t match up.
I am waiting because I want to. I am waiting because waiting is going to make me feel good about myself. I am waiting because it is my body, and I can do whatever I want with it. I am waiting because I do not trust people easily when it comes to my body. I am waiting because it took me years to be able to look at myself naked, so you can imagine how scared I am to let another person see me that way again. I am waiting because I’ve worked hard to accept myself, and not just anyone deserves to be part of that journey. I am waiting because maybe I’m not quite ready just yet.
But even though I’m waiting, it doesn’t mean everyone else has to, and I understand that. I understand that some people enjoy having frequent sex with people they may not know that well, and if that works for them, then all the power to them! If you want it, get it (be safe, but get it). I understand that some people enjoy participating in hookup culture, and there is nothing wrong with that! I’ve been there. Plus, consensual fun? There’s really no problem there. The problem lies, however, in people thinking they have the right to judge other people’s sexual experiences.
Having being told “you just need to get laid” more times than I can keep track of, I can honestly say that I don’t. I don’t need to “just get laid” because that is not an experience that interests me. Yes, sex is fun, but it’s only fun with the right partner and the right partner is different for everyone. The right partner can be the cute boy you met at the bar, or the girl you just had dinner with, or the person you just swiped right on, or your significant other of three years! It’s okay if it takes you awhile to find your “right” person. Maybe you thought one-night stands could be your new thing, and then you realized they weren’t for you. Maybe you’re a really successful Tinder user. Whatever your “right” is, find it, and stick to it. Trust your gut more than the people telling you what to do.
So, why am I waiting? Because that’s what I feel like I should be doing. Whether you’re waiting or not, keep doing you. Your sex life is yours and no one else’s.