Inspired by Random Acts of Kindness Day, I thought I’d take the opportunity to make sure we actually know what kindness means before we decide to commit ourselves to it. The line between kindness and honesty is easily confused, so I thought I’d clear it up, and see how the two work together.
Kindness is being friendly, generous and considerate, according to Google. That last one is the most important- thinking about how other people feel when you interact with them and acting in such a way that makes their experience positive. Then everyone gets a fuzzy feeling and you can spend more time with them. It’s an idealistic trait, but all the best things come in small packages (that’s what my Mum told me when people called me Bridget the Midget, anyway) . It’s natural that people can’t be kind and feel fuzzy all the time.
Sometimes we’re too busy – cramming for our degrees, in a bad mood or getting on with reality – to make the time to stop and think of others. For example, when I come downstairs to make myself a sandwich in a rush and realise there are no clean knives, I am more likely to clean a dirty knife (or use a spoon if I’m feeling trashy) and make my sandwich, rather than wash up so the next housemate doesn’t come downstairs to the same problem, because I don’t want to be late. I think this comes down to our survival-of-the-fittest instinct- which causes us to think of ourselves before others. It is more nature than inherent nastiness so don’t feel bad. But if you’re reading this to try and be more kind, acknowledge that it’s nice to be nice.
Honesty, however, is about how truthful what you say is. It is a desirable trait because it makes you seem sincere and dependable. People will want to spend time with you if they know they can count on you. Already it’s an easier trait to adopt because you don’t have to do anything, just be less picky about what you reveal. It’s also easier because it requires more effort to be deceitful than to be honest. But because of people’s sensitivity and reluctance to admit the truth, I think the trick with honesty is to consciously deploy it for kind intention, then you get the best of both worlds.
A good example (sorry to sound obsessed with sandwiches, but it’s a good analogy), is the Friends episode where Joey is sitting in the back of Phoebe’s boyfriend’s police car with Chandler and Ross on either side. When they hear what they think is gunfire, Joey protects Ross, not Chandler. When Chandler shows he is hurt by being second best, Joey is honest and reveals the truth – he was actually trying to save the sandwich which was on Ross’s side of the car. Joey’s honesty stops Chandler feeling left out, and also keeps up the pretence that Joey wanted to save Ross, making Ross feel special. Whilst I am not going to get into the white-lie debate, it’s good to see how this use of honesty can work to make people feel good about themselves, which is ultimately kind. It’s fair to say that revealing the truth about the sandwich to Ross would make him feel less important than a sandwich, which would be inconsiderate and unkind. Therefore you should consider other people’s feelings before being honest with them; honesty isn’t always the best policy.
If you’re not comfortable with the odd “alternative truth”, stick to the mantra “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all”. If you think someone looks nice in an outfit, tell them. If someone has a bit of toothpaste round their mouth and you think they would appreciate being told to save further awkwardness, tell them. It’s also good because a compliment said out of politeness isn’t half as lovely as a genuine one.
So now you know the golden combination of honesty and kindness, go and be kind in its best sense and bring joy to everyone’s lives! You’ve been a lovely reader, honestly.