Contrary to popular belief…sex might just be overrated. Overrated for those who aren’t participating, overrated for those who don’t enjoy the act and possibly even for those who who haven’t even tried it yet. Every relationship varies, so while abstinence might be a deal breaker for many, for others it might just be a formality. These kinds of speed bumps are almost always unavoidable like discussing their stance on feminism and if they ever see themselves getting married. Can the relationship survive when the act of sex is indefinitely being stranded and left behind on an island?
Abstinence, for those who aren’t aware, is the act of abstaining from sex whether that be for a month, a year, until you’re ready, or in my case, until you’re married. Did the record just stop? Did you look up from your phone? This is often a hard pill to swallow on the first date or even 6 months down the line.
You might be thinking to yourself, no sex? No sex, “forever, forever, ever, forever ever??” Especially when Jacquees and Trey Songz are coming out with new ways to get us in trouble. Beyonce is still singing those euphemisms about Monica Lewinsky and Fashion Nova is still selling their infamous Brazilian butt lift jeans? I’m not dense. I understand that sex is more palatable now than it’s ever been, especially as I reside as a student at Hampton University.
College students are reminiscent of rabbits: contained in close quarters, moving at a rapid pace and experimental. Once you become more acclimated to college culture, you come to realize that sex is now regarded as less taboo and more as routine. Sex in college reminds me of standing in front of a vending machine where I only have a dollar but rows and rows of options in front of me.
Casual sex: A6, passionate sex: G9, friends with benefits sex: F4, couple sex: C2, drunk sex: B6, sometimes sex: E8, always sex: F8. I know for sure know that my option isn’t trapped behind that glass window.
The foundation of all relationships is honesty, trust and of course, communication. Discussing your sexual stance in the beginning might be beneficial to the continuation of your relationship. When figuring out the best time to discuss it: make sure you’re on the subject, ease it in subtly and don’t regard it as a big deal. Some conversations are meant to be had face to face because those three gray dots followed by no response will hurt your ego more than uploading a picture for less than 100 likes.
In the past, I’ve been scolded on numerous occasions by multiple friends because they felt as though I was entirely too forward with informing guys that I was abstinent and no time in the near future, would my answer waiver. My reasoning was sincere in the fact that I didn’t want my virginity or abstinence to resurface later and bite me back. My friends lobbied back, explaining that most guys don’t even have sex on their minds within the first few conversations, so ease up on informing them so soon. Guys not thinking about sex? Yeah right, sis. The eye roll delivered soon after was well deserved.
With that, I summersault into my next concern. Is sex a necessary aspect to an undergraduate relationship? Always look for telltale signs when trying to answer this question? Does he believe you when you say you’re waiting? Does he try to convince you that your mind might be subject to change? Does he catch an attitude and try to breeze past it? These might all be red flags that may require you to step back and see the relationship’s dynamic with fresher, less biased eyes. While sex shouldn’t be the only foundation on which you and partner connect, this might be the final level of intimacy that you’ve both been waiting for. A physical act that might pull you closer together.
To be completely transparent, I’m a senior in college. I’m well past the age where people are testing the waters with sex, virginity’s have been long lost in college’s murky waters. The thing is, new people meet everyday, new unions are formed and old bonds become unhinged. Conversations about sex are inevitable so make sure your communication is clear, concise and complete.