The season of love has arrived, ladies! Whether you’re prepping for a romantic night with your partner or a “Galentine’s” brunch, there are people in your life who you love and who deserve to be celebrated! Valentine’s Day should be utilized as an opportunity to show the special people in your life how much you appreciate them. In honor of this, I want to share with you all some ways in which you can be a better friend and why this is important. You’ll find that this advice can be applied to all of your relationships – your BFF, S/O and your family!
There’s been a common trend lately to advise cutting out toxic people in your life. I’m with you, but let’s talk about how we could easily be that toxic person in someone else’s life without realizing it and this is something we need to acknowledge! We need to encourage the importance of self-reflection and the practice of admitting when we’re wrong. So let’s say you’ve done some contemplation and realize you haven’t been that great of a support system for your loved ones, or you really just want to be the best friend you can possibly be. Let’s start with listening.
Stephen R. Covey once said that “Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply,” Think about when your friend is explaining a situation, something that happened to them that stressed them out or made them upset, then you reply by telling them about a similar thing that happened to you because you want them to know that you know just how they feel. Let’s not do this. We always have good intentions with this, but what it does is turn the conversation to be about you. I have become very aware of this myself and am actively working on intentional listening. Sometimes sharing our own story can be helpful, you want that person to know they’re not alone in what they’re going through, but try talking about their experience and feelings first. Often, our friends aren’t expecting an actual answer from us but actually need to vent or are excited to tell us about something. Let them. Acknowledge their feelings. Most importantly, don’t spend the time that they’re talking to you, thinking about what you’re going to say back. Practice fully listening to what they’re saying and trying to understand how they’re feeling.
In relation to the act of good listening, there is the helpful tool of remembering that will make your loved ones feel recognized and important. Have you ever been very pleasantly surprised when someone remembered a small detail about you or your life? Bring this satisfaction to your friends or S/O! Take note if they mention upcoming tests, interviews, a visit with family, a presentation, etc. Then, wish them good luck or ask how it went when the day comes! No matter how big or small, showing someone that you’re interested in their day to day life will make them feel validated and have a boost of confidence.
Most importantly, learn the love languages of the people you care about. This is not like following someone’s horoscope, it is the extremely important ability to recognize how different people are receptive to love and affection in different ways. You’ve likely heard of these five – words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. Think of this, you really want to do something special for your friend to make him/her feel special and appreciated, so you splurge a little and buy them some gifts. While they likely would be very appreciative that you spent money on them, what they really might just need is for you to give them words of affirmation – verbally tell them that they’re doing a good job in school, that you can see how hard they’ve been working and that you know it’ll pay off, or they might need to hear you tell them that you’re so thankful you get to have them as a friend. Say you want to make a parent feel special, though, and you tell them that you appreciate them like you often remember to do, but maybe you come home and cook dinner for them instead. This act of service is taking work off their hands and this might be what will truly make them feel special and acknowledged. Taking the time to learn how your loved ones really need to be loved can solve communication issues and add even more value to your relationships. You can take the official love languages test here.
The common theme in the advice that I’ve presented you, is paying attention to your loved ones. Listen without thinking about your own problems, give them your full attention, remember what’s going on in their life and understand that they may appreciate different types of affection than you do. Take the time to develop these practices, so that you can become a better friend and give the ones around you the appreciation they deserve.