WARNING: This article deals with the subject of consent and goes into detail about a situation where consent is violated.
I entered college a virgin. I had very little sexual experience and liked it that way. I was in a relationship at the time and we both agreed that we would wait. Then one night sometime in first semester, it happened. It sucked. The experience was not something I’d want to experience again but because my partner enjoyed it, it continued to happen. For the rest of our relationship, I hardly felt comfortable and spent most of the time in pain. I was able to handle it because I thought it was my fault. I thought I was the reason that I wasn’t enjoying it. What I realize now, a year later, is that it was his fault.
There was a time when I was sleeping in the same bed as him. His roommate was in the room and we weren’t wearing any underwear. He had just woken up and reached over and grabbed my boob and squeezed. It took me a while to process what was happening as I was still half-asleep. Eventually, I moved so that his hand could no longer reach and he still went for it. Contorting his arm so that he could keep grabbing it. At this point I wanted to sleep so bad and was not in the mood. Then he started rubbing his frontal area against my lower area (my ass and vagina fyi). And proceeded to push himself inside me. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like saying no would spark outrage and would hurt his feelings too much. So I sat there, dealt with the pain and cried afterwards. It didn’t feel right but I ignored it, blamed myself and moved on. This wasn’t the first time it happened. Sometimes I told him that it hurt and he responded with “I thought the noises you were making were pleasure.” I was obviously in pain but again I ignored it and blamed myself.
It wasn’t until I read a snapchat article about a woman who was sexually assaulted by her husband. Her story and feelings were exactly parallel to how I felt about my boyfriend and I. I sent the article to him and he immediately asked why. I responded by telling him that I didn’t know this kind of thing happened in relationships, especially ones involving marriage. Then a week later, I confronted him about my pain during sex and how I didn’t feel comfortable a lot of the time.
Bad idea.
He yelled as much as you can yell through messenger. Claimed that I was going to accuse him of raping me. Claimed that I’ve done way worse and that if I should blame anyone for his constant horniness, I should look in a mirror. Instead of standing my own and leaving right then, I proceeded to do what I always did. This time including an apology in the mix. The rest of our relationship’s sexual chemistry died. At least from my perspective. He still found that we were really good physically but I did not at all. I seldom felt good and when I did it was because I was thinking of someone else (when it was consensual). Otherwise I just sat there.
Our relationship inevitably crumbled (for other reasons) and having had sexual partners since then, I can say that what was happening was really wrong. Being with someone who made me feel trapped and violated destroyed me but also taught me to look out for that in future partners. Consent is important and if you don’t feel comfortable, you have the right to stop anything.