For a long time, I looked to my parents to represent a healthy, stable marriage and to raise a structured family with the ability to love and be loved. I wanted to imagine that they were what I would like to be as a Black woman when I was finally married and had children. As I grew, my awareness did as well and I realized that we weren’t the epitome of black love. I looked to my best friends and their families and imagined what it would be like to have their parents.
I realized that I no longer viewed my parents as this #relationshipgoals couple. In reality, they were flawed. And, to be quite honest, we’re all flawed. So, not to take away from any growth they might have achieved, I acknowledge that they’re doing what they imagine to be the best that they can within their marriage.
As I grew, I realized that watching my parents interact with each other, and interact with my siblings and myself, I’d taken on a lot of the unhealthy habits that they had within their marriage. Whether it was a lack of communication or very negative language towards each other, I’d picked up those traits as well and I began carrying those same traits into my platonic and romantic relationships.
Eventually, after failed relationships with friends and men that I was interested in, I recognized that I carried a lot of those toxic behaviors learned from childhood. I also recognized that I did not know where to start when it came to fixing those negative aspects of my actions. I had a hard time communicating and I believed I attracted partners that did not deserve my time. They were also toxic people, but I became interested in them because of that toxicity.
I wanted to stop the development of this behavior, but it was hard, to say the least. It felt like I was becoming more and more toxic, and I was infecting the people around me as well. In my opinion, the only way to stop yourself from becoming a terrible person is to unlearn certain behavior. Recognize that you’re doing things that are not healthy, and let those behaviors go.
It takes time, which is also something we have to recognize. But, unlearning these things means we can pass down healthy behaviors to our children. We can stop the cycle where we stand and begin a new cycle of healing and growth. It just takes a moment of realization.