Chuck Bass, John Tucker, Damon Salvatore, Noah Puckerman. Do any of these names ring a bell? And if they did, are you crying because of how beautiful they are? Me too. But this isn’t just an ordinary list of gorgeous men that were brought into our lives via television. The common theme here is that they all suck. Don’t get me wrong, I would totally drop everything right now for Chuck Bass to acknowledge my existence and make me feel worthless, but I wouldn’t care because he’s hot. And that’s the main issue here. Beyond the characters in movies and TV shows that all girls drool over, we constantly catch a case of the hot-guy syndrome and literally forget everything our mothers warned us about. Don’t believe me? Let’s go through this process together.
Step 1: Spot a Hottie
It doesn’t matter how or where you see him, but when you do, you just know. He’s the one. He’s such a beautiful creature and you don’t care that he probably won’t remember your name, that his home screen has like 4,853 unopened text messages, that he smells like a 13-year-old boy who just discovered Axe or that he thinks your best friend is hotter than you are. Anyways, you get it. Onto the next step!
Step 2: Acquire the Hottie
Good job! Whether you matched on tinder or stared at him long enough for him to finally acknowledge you, you hunted him down like the sexy but kind of creepy lioness you are. One thing leads to another and since it’s 2019 and no one exchanges phone numbers anymore because that’s too “official,” you most likely end up scanning his phone for 3 seconds to obtain his….wait for it… Snapchat. So what’s the next thing we do ladies? You search his snapchat username into every other social media platform and stalk photos of him to make sure he doesn’t have a girlfriend and pray that the girl in his most recent Instagram post is just his sister? (Please be his f***ing sister)
Step 3: Get the Hotties Attention
This phase is probably the most creative and psychotic of all. There’s a couple of different approaches here that can be divided into two categories. The first one is: “The Thirst Trap.” To commence this phase, a girl will utilize most social media sites to create a sense that she wants to be with someone without even saying it. This can be accomplished in a few different ways. For Snapchat, you would probably send mirror selfies of your “outfit of the day” just to subtly highlight the fact that your boobs look amazing in your Fashion Nova bodysuit, or post a picture/video on your story where you look snatched AF with “Breakup With Your Girlfriend, I’m Bored” blasting in the background. For Instagram, you would follow the same approach as a Snapchat but with a level of sophistication in such that you post a picture by yourself or with your girls and use the caption as bait. Twitter, on the other hand, is basically the Bible for anything that any girl thinks or feels about a guy so you just go on a retweeting frenzy.
The second approach here is the “I Don’t Need a Man” category. Differing from the “Thirst Trap,” the “IDNAM” (I Don’t Need a Man) phase is basically a facade girls use to pretend like they don’t need him as a way to seem more obtainable and less crazy. You try and play things safe by not snapchatting him first or posting things that are literally a cry out for his love and attention. This seems the most normal, but in reality, it’s worse than the “Thirst Trap”. IDNAM phase is literally girls pretending like they aren’t completely obsessed with a guy by making him feel like you aren’t even interested as a way to make them want you more. You know who else uses this reverse psychology? Psychopaths that want to lure in their victims. Boom. *Mic Drop*
Step 4: Ignoring What Everyone Says About the Hottie Because You’re Now Crazy
It’s been a few weeks of knowing the hottie. You talk and maybe you even started hanging out a couple of times. At first, your friends were totally obsessed with the fact that you’ve been hanging out with a complete hunk, but then they start to see the things that you can’t. Once you go all Jeffrey Dahmer on this dude, you develop a new language of excuses you use to justify the fact that he is most likely using you, which luckily your friends can decipher. Don’t believe me? I’ll just show you.
What Crazy You Says VS What Everyone Else Understands
“His phone is just always dead” = “He’s not answering you because he doesn’t care”
“He’s just busy” = “He’s talking to other girls”
“He was just kidding” = “He’s a douchebag that thinks he can get away with being rude just because he’s cute”
“He’s not a good texter” = “Still talking to other girls”
Step 5: Cutting the Hottie Off
Finally, something happens that makes you come to your senses. You realize that beneath those gorgeous eyes and that Abercrombie model physique that this dude just isn’t worth it. It could have been that last rude comment or the third picture on Instagram he posted with three other girls from the party last weekend that finally set you off, but you finally end it. The sad part about it is that it’s basically a one-way breakup. You tell him you can’t do this anymore or you just ghost him, but either way, the response is so anticlimactic and usually ends with “okay”. You ponder on the past and have moments of regret occasionally, but then you realize that he was just another Chuck Bass in a world full of… mostly Chuck Bass’s if I were to be completely honest. But don’t worry, I’m not here to trash on the male species and make a whole statement about how most guys suck. I’m just here to tell you that hot guys make us crazy, and honestly, I’m not even going to tell you to relax.