Okay, so I should premise this by saying that the “sick teen” sub-genre of romance movies is probably… my least favorite subgenre of literally anything ever. But, sometimes I’m willing to take one for the team if it means I get to hang out with my best gal-pals. And, honestly, I’d sit through anything if it meant getting to look at Cole Sprouse’s, anxty but stupidly handsome little face. Real quick, this article contains some spoilers, so if you haven’t seen this movie and you don’t want it ruined by my harsh criticisms and sarcasm, I wouldn’t suggest continuing to read. However, if you’re cynical like me and enjoy a good self-proclaimed movie buff’s personal review, read away. So, here it is, my 5 thoughts I had while watching 5 Feet Apart.
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1. So, these kids are definitely gonna die… right?
Hear me out, I cried a lot during The Fault in Our Stars. Granted I was young and had about 0 life experiences so I lived (and loss) vicariously through that movie. Naturally I was expecting 5 Feet Apart to have the same premise. They’re sick, they fall in love, someone dies, it’s a whole to do. The difference with this piece is that these kids aren’t suffering through cancer, they actually have Cystic Fibrosis, which is a genetic disease I’ve had a little more experience with, but rarely see represented in film or television. So, I was intrigued. And, honestly, the film did a really good job representing the medical side/treatment of cystic fibrosis. Unfortunately, with that, comes some serious bummer moments throughout the film (obviously), like the inevitability that these kids will eventually succumb to their disease and it will be very sad. So I found myself waiting for it to happen, which is pretty dark, but, it is what it is.
2. This script f*cking sucks
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Like I said, I don’t like romantic films all that much. So, there were times when this script was just painful. I won’t give away any specific lines, but the gushy finishing of sentences and the goofy games they played with each other had me constantly rolling my eyes. I could literally say the ends of Cole Sprouse’s lines before he finished them. See the movie for yourself, you’ll know what I mean.
3. Moisés Arias looks like a molting baby parrot.
Yes I’m mean. No I don’t regret it. Watch the damn movie and see for yourself. (Please don’t @ me I don’t handle confrontation on the internet well.)
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4. So uuuugh… what are you gonna do with that pool cue? *SPOILER ALERT*
Okay here’s where the real spoiler lies. The movie gets its name by this idea thought up by the main character Stella, who wants to get closer to Cole Sprouse’s character Will. However, the movie makes a point to tell you, several times, that kids with CF cannot be within 6 feet of each other or else they could catch whatever bacteria the other has and it could potentially kill them.
So, in order to “steal something back” from her CF, Stella decides to only stay 5 feet away from Will, instead of 6. They measure the space with a pool cue. A cute concept, not gonna lie, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy. However, there’s a spicy scene involving a swimming pool where they’re talking about how Stella is a virgin and she takes the cue that Will is holding, and starts suggestively brushing it against her shoulder, then her chest, then she starts undressing, and I quite literally said, out loud in the movie theater, “Is he gonna fuck her with a pool cue?”. Maybe I’m just an immature asshole (I totally am, no maybe about it), but oh my God was I convinced that was where that scene was going… Luckily it did not.
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5. I have anxiety, I can’t watch this anymore.
So, I won’t spoil much more about the film, but there were many moments where I was holding my breath just waiting for someone to die in some bizarre, tragic, unexpected way that was completely unrelated to CF. But oh my LORD the stupid risks these kids were taking throughout the entirety of the film made me SO MAD and the whole time I was just like “THIS WOULD NEVER HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE HOLLYWOOD PLEASE GIVE ME SOMETHING FEASIBLE.”
Like, seriously, the main event of the film leads to something happening between the main characters that, in real life, would completely ruin Stella’s chance of ever receiving a life-saving procedure because of the possibility of her bacteria being compromised. Like, it was just really frustrating and I was about ready to throw hands. Don’t get me wrong, I love being forced to the edge of my seat, but this film did it in a way that just made me angry. But, I guess I’m just hard to please.
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Overall though, the movie had a touching ending and there were several tears shed by other members of the audience, so it did what it was meant to do. Maybe I’m just a little too dark and twisty for movies like this, but hey, the acting was good and it didn’t feel like a total waste of 2 hours. However, I’ll probably never look at a pool cue the same way, ever again…