2019… wow, what a year! The best word to describe this past year is “humanizing” or in other words, full of mistakes.
For a long time I prided myself on not making certain mistakes. There were just certain situations that I would see other people getting into and I would think to myself “how is that even possible?” and “how could you let that happen, homie?”
However, I quickly came to the realization that when alcohol is involved no mistake is too big or too wide for you to make. Drinking too much can affect your judgment drastically and just because you were drunk does not mean others will consider that when evaluating your decisions.
I am not a heavy drinker nor do I drink often but every blue moon your girl likes to get just a little loose since I’m usually on my P’s and Q’s. Friendsgiving seemed like the perfect time to have a couple of drinks and bond with my friends from back home. A guy I used to be heavily involved with ended up coming as well but I was not thinking about him. It had been almost a year and a half since the last time I saw him (plus he had a girlfriend) so we did the awkward “hey, how are you?” and that was that. I spent the remainder of the night talking and drinking with my friends. Not much time passed before I was drunk (I am a super lightweight). I make my way to the bathroom and when I returned to my seat guess who was now sitting beside me… the eggheaded boy whom I once liked so much.
Since we were both drunk we were very comfortable talking to one another. We were laughing and giggling like two school girls. It was still innocent at this point but things took a turn for the worse when we all rode back home in the same car. I won’t give you a play by play of what happened but just know that while it was not anything too crazy, it 100% should not have happened. It’s something I still beat myself up about. These few moments of acting without sobriety changed a couple of my friendships forever. Not only did it show me the true colors of some of my friends but it also reminded me that I am not above making mistakes.
This seemingly tiny mistake made me question my own character and I have not been drunk since. I was going to carry this weight into 2020. I was going to continue thinking about and criticizing myself for my foolish mistakes. I was going to but I won’t. I had to find the positive side of the situation:
One, the Lord removed old boy from my life COMPLETELY which was something I had been trying to do for months. Unfortunately, I could never manage to completely sever contact with him. Two, He removed other people who no longer served a purpose in my life. And three, I was humbled and “humanized” as I like to say. I came to the realization that I am not above making any mistakes and the mistakes that I do make do not define me or change who I am. As Molly on Insecure always says “I’m on my know better, do better sh*t” and just like Tisha Campbell once sang “I’m I’m I’m STILL HERE HERE HERE!”
I say all of this to say that beating yourself up about a decision you made last year will do nothing for you but make you sadder in this new year. Learn from it and do better. Remember that *cue Hannah Montana voice* “everybody makes mistakes, everybody has those days.”