One of my very first memories of my grandmother is of her citing off a to-do list for me to remember if anyone ever tried to grab me, “Kick, hit, punch, bite, scream, do whatever you can to get away. Kick ‘em where it hurts.”
This mantra was the first in my Handbook of Womanhood.
We all have one, even if we’re not consciously aware of it. The Handbook is a (not so) little list of every rule we have when it comes to being a woman, tucked into our back pocket at all times. We sleep with it. We go to the store with it. We go out to dinner with it. My Handbook reads as follows:
Don’t be too nice to a man because they might think you’re flirting. Smile or else they’ll think you’re a b*tch but not too much or else they’ll think you’re flirting. When catcalled, don’t make eye contact. Don’t leave your drink alone, ever. Use fear to make yourself walk like you mean it. Carry your keys between your fingers. Always carry a mace. Cross the sidewalk and then the highway; just get out of there. Always note where a man’s hands are. Never go to a party alone. Never go to a bar alone. Never go to the grocery store alone. Never go to the park alone. Never go alone.
The list never really ends, but you get the idea. Maybe your list looks like mine. Maybe it doesn’t. Chances are, though, it’s pretty similar.
Courtesy: Eric Ward
Even if you don’t want to talk about the nitty-gritty, there are plenty of rules from the Handbook to choose from. These rules of womanhood stretch over several different categories, ranging from all different levels of extreme. The list is never-ending, always growing, always changing. And society expects us to memorize each and every one of them and apply them to our daily lives.
Of course, there are certain rules that we can’t follow.
When I entered the sixth grade, I went from an A-cup to a C-cup very quickly and continued to grow even more throughout middle school. People often said I was an “early bloomer”, which I had no definition for at the time. The only thing I knew was that I suddenly had back pain, had to wear uncomfortable bras that dug into my shoulders and was far more self-conscious of my own body than any 11-year-old should be; not to mention all of the other kids started staring at me when I walked past.
Don’t be a slut. That was one of the rules I was apparently no longer able to follow. At 11 years old, I felt betrayed by my own body, believing that it was turning me into something wh*rish and impure. I could no longer wear my favorite shirts without fear of my cleavage showing, and everything stretched too tightly and hugged too closely. I began wearing shirts three times my size to try to hide this sign of femininity; I was ashamed of it, even guilty of it.
What I’m saying is that the rules of Womanhood are written against us sometimes.
Don’t be a slut. Don’t be a prude. Don’t be too nice. Don’t be a b*tch. Don’t wear too much makeup or else you’re trying too hard. Don’t wear not enough makeup or else you’re lazy. Don’t dress too feminine. Don’t dress too masculine. Don’t dress too androgynous. Don’t be too bossy. Don’t be a doormat. Don’t come on too strong. Don’t be standoffish. Don’t do this. Don’t do that.
As women, we are expected to adhere to an endless list of rules and guidelines, whether for our own safety in a world that’s against us, or simply to be accepted socially or culturally. And, quite frankly, it’s exhausting living every second of your life based off of a handbook that you didn’t even really choose; it was just passed down to you, and you picked up little pieces along the way.
So why not bend a few?
(Disclaimer: I am not saying you should go walking alone at night or that you should leave your drink unattended at parties because it’s annoying to carry it around. Always put your safety first. Those are the truly frustrating rules you must follow.)
What I’m saying is, do whatever the h*ll you want. If you don’t want to wear makeup, then don’t. If you want to put on an entire face of glam, go for it. If you want to show a little cleavage – or a lot of cleavage – don’t be afraid to do so. If you feel more comfortable covered up, that’s fine too. It doesn’t matter if you want to sleep with twenty people in a year or save it for marriage. Feel free to assert your dominance at work; who cares if you sound “bossy”? They would never call a man that if he acted the same way.
Yeah, this is a topic that’s been brought up before. But it will keep getting brought up again and again and again to remind you that you are allowed to break the rules.
Yeah, the Handbook will always be there, whether as a reminder of safety or a nagging feeling at the back of your mind when you break one of its rules. It’s got some good ideas that you should listen to, but it’s also got a lot of controversial and simply unnecessary ones as well. But, at the end of the day, it’s your own. You can write it and mold it however you want.
Courtesy: Clarke Sanders
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