Today was a lonely day. Most days felt lonely to her, but this day especially felt lonely. This day of love, of passion, of friendship left her feeling empty. As she walked around the bookstore on Friday afternoon, looking for another horribly written romance novel to read over dinner, she saw a couple at the adjoining cafe. They were eating a slice of cheesecake together.
Chocolate, my favorite. She thought. Normally she would have treated herself to a slice, but today it felt like too much of a cliche to eat cheesecake by herself. The romance was also a cliche, now that she thought about it. Putting it back on the shelf, she walked out to her car.
Today was a day for the park. It was still winter, so she could guarantee that there wouldn’t be anyone else there. On this lonely day, she didn’t know what else to do except spend time alone. When she got to the park, she trekked through the mud, making her way to the swings. The swings were her favorite and had been ever since she was a little girl.
The swing creaked as she sat down. It was clearly not built for a grown woman, she thought ruefully. But she swung nonetheless. She swung higher and higher and higher. She swung until she was sure that one more swing would take her to the sky. She stretched her foot out, thinking she could catch the end of a cloud.
How lovely it would be to be a part of the sky. To be a star or a cloud or even just a gust of wind passing by. It was hard being lonely. Some days she felt so lonely and so sad that there was nothing else she could possibly feel. Nothing else she could possibly do. Those days were spent in bed, usually.
Depression, her doctor had called it.
But surely, if she were part of the sky, as a star, or a cloud, or just a gust of wind, she wouldn’t feel the things she felt now. Because stars and clouds and wind don’t feel things, and oh how wonderful it would be to feel nothing as opposed to everything. The numbness that comes with being calm. The contentment that comes with satisfaction. How long had it been she felt those things? How long had she been in this shadow?
It felt like forever. And on days like this. When the sun was out and there was no one to enjoy it with, it felt even longer. On days like this, where love was everywhere but with her, it felt even longer.
She kept swinging, though, hoping that the exhilaration of being so high in the air would somehow fix everything. She felt the burn in her thighs from the exercise, but still she kept swinging because she knew that if she stopped, she’d have to say goodbye to the possibility of being part of the sky and come back to reality.
She was so wrapped up in her thoughts that she almost didn’t see someone sitting on the swing next to her. She couldn’t really see his face as she swung back and forth, but she was intrigued. She didn’t want to stay if there was going to be someone else there, so she slowed down and was about to get up when he spoke.
“You don’t have to leave because I’m here.” He said.
“Oh, no. It isn’t because of you.” She responded hastily. “I just need to get going.”
“Where?”
“Excuse me?”
“Where do you need to go on a Friday,” he checked his watch, “at 4?”
She didn’t respond and began to walk away. Creepy strangers were the reason she only came to the park when there was no one else there.
“Wait!” He called.
She didn’t understand why she stopped. It was instinct. She turned towards the man again. “Listen,” she began, “I don’t know you or what you want but–”
“Can you sit with me?” He asked.
She didn’t know what to say to that.
“I promise I’m not a creep. It’s just been a rough day, and being lonely on top of that seems like too much to deal with.”
She had spent so many rough days being lonely. Suck it up, part of her wanted to say. If she could get through it, then so could he. But another part of her–the part that clearly had no care about her safety–wanted to stay. Wanted to offer some comfort to this stranger.
“Sure.” She said, as she went back to the swing.
He smiled at her. “Thanks. I’m Connor.” He reached out his hand for a handshake.
She smiled back and placed her hand in his. “I’m Lisa.”
“What are you doing at the park by yourself?” He asked.
“The same thing you’re doing. Trying to beat the loneliness.”
“It’s tough, isn’t it?”
“Yeah,” she laughed. “It’s really hard, but somehow I’m still here. Waking up in the morning, going through my day, and doing it all over again the next day.”
“Sometimes, we have no other option besides moving forward.” He said.
There was a silence between them now, which Lisa welcomed. She let his words tumble in her mind. She turned towards him, then. “Do you ever want to stop?” She asked.
“Stop?”
“Yeah, like just stop trying all the time?”
He took a deep breath. “It’s tempting sometimes, but no.”
“Why?”
“Because there’s a part of me that is convinced that it’ll be worth it one day. That through the rough days and the lonely days, there will be one day that will be so great that it’ll make all the hard days worth it.”
“So you’re just living off of blind hope?”
He laughed. “Yeah. But it’s the only hope I have now. So I have to follow it.”
“When do you think it’ll be worth it?” She asked.
He turned towards her then. “Soon, hopefully. Maybe today.”
She smiled again, “Maybe.”