Sometimes you think that a particular wound has healed and that time has come to take off the band-aid. The real conundrum arises when you know don’t know how swift you have to be with it. The ideal self of the world I expected to witness when I came to college brought a separate kind of experience with it. “You’re a college student now, responsible enough to differentiate what’s right and what’s wrong.” Suddenly my meek thoughts were allowed to speak their opinions. Did it change my capacity to understand too? I wouldn’t know actually. For fourteen years all I was told to was to study my syllabus thoroughly and know when the passage of words leads us to the reality which really gives a better podium to educated individuals right?
A few days ago, a really prominent figure on the campus told us and I quote, “What would happen if you start practicing the things you are taught in books?”
It has been almost three months now when the controversial and unconstitutional Citizenship Amendment Act has been passed by the government of our country, which resulted in the emergence of protests against the act itself all over the country. Institutional hubs across the nation have prominently taken part in protesting against the act and showing their dissent against the government, where the Prime Minister has verbatim asked to be criticised by the people.
College campuses are said to be these safe spaces where an individual has a platform to discuss everything and have tangible breakthrough of ideas and knowledge. Where students can profess their opinions without being asked otherwise, to justify it with approval of the world waiting for us outside. At least that’s what I thought when I entered the campus gates. When you see that dissent has not only been disqualified but trampled upon by forces that were once constituted and duty bound to protect the civilians but they instead brutally attack students on the campus while entering the premises of institutions that have stood through time and reminded the government to exercise accountability for their actions. Students like you and I have been thrashed, assaulted and harassed on the basis of their identity and tarnishing the ideals democracy and secularism we have grown up with.
In the beginning I couldn’t paraphrase the impact on individuals like me who have for the first time encountered such realities.
A scratch has been formed on my mind
People saw what happened and some decided to speak up, some decided to continue their lives the way it has always been, because nothing affected them personally. “ I have nothing to do with this, you always see such incidents in news nowadays right?” Some reacted vigorously that the next day they took down to the streets of the capital to show their disapproval and anger with the brutality shown against mere college students who have been taught to raise their voice against what shut down their freedom to differ at all. The fury was felt in outbursts of individuals who were imposed with silence and fear. For the first time I saw the emergence of opinions answered with indifference.
“You’ve done enough. What more can we do? What change would my opinion bring?”
Some quick first aid would bring you relief. Hence, a band- aid?
But that doesn’t mean those in power would stop right? They start attacking and targeting specific sections of the society that has sought to stand up against it despite the nuances they have been dealing with. After talking to several individuals on the campus who have been participating in peaceful protests, posting new updates, debating with their families and discussing politics with friends with a different spectrum now, looking for more tangible support in this constant emotional and mental drainage of faith in something we thought we would never become. The largest democracy stands on the verge of crumbling down.
Constantly trying to move against a current has made my hands numb, which so far, have been carrying the tears of despair I’ve shed. This echo chamber of privilege has surrounded my concerns regarding the ideals, we were taught as kids and dusting any trauma I might’ve experienced but did not. Something that I did see was the façade of normalcy, everyone was comfortable with to cover any sort of discomfort they could register beforehand.
“I know things are bad but we don’t have to stop living, I mean the show must go on”
Right, maybe I should’ve gone back to what I used to do, attend my classes, go out with my friends, attend my society events, and those famous fests that Delhi University was famous for. Maybe I can move forward and things will get better, like they always do. The only difference was that things didn’t get better, instances of communal hostility kept increasing, slogans of hatred started creating a stench of fear, and the idea of disagreeing with people would bring discomfort and snubbing of the idea of expressing individualistic identities.
I didn’t get any better for some reason I couldn’t feel things like the way I used, the colours of normalcy looked bleak and nauseating to me. When I knew that it’s not normal for people to die in pogroms and communal riots; when I knew it wasn’t normal to take away the livelihoods of individuals and their right to express their identities; when I knew it wasn’t normal to look away from bloodshed and go out to celebrate the bestowed idea of liberty.
Deep down I knew it was not going to get better, unless people actually call this sham out, when students know the stakes and how horrific the immediate consequences that are felt on an intricate level.
Belonging to a minority, women’s only college prone to all those consequences makes me quiver with anxious and uncertain thoughts, something that I share with a few concerned individuals and the rest just ask me to “Chill! It’s not that serious, it’s not that grave, you can’t help but give us the credit for contributing enough on our ends’’. True I cannot hold anyone at fault for not doing enough, I cannot call out individuals for withholding that platform of privilege and asserting it, maybe I am not the right person to voice that concern out.
Since the wound has healed, let’s just pull off the band-aid. Except it was ripped off and has left a scar with it.