“You know it’s funny, when you look at someone through rose-coloured glasses, all the red flags just look like flags”
This line from Bojack Horseman has always stayed with me, lingering in the background of my thoughts, making me question my relationships and the accuracy of my judgements. It’s hard to actually see the red flags in one’s own relationship and while everyone around you might be screaming at you about how you’re caught in a web of toxicity, you choose to stay blind to these facts because you’ve been brought up in a culture that’s taught you, it’s better to be in a terrible situation than to be alone. It goes without saying, that this particular teaching is highly flawed and untrue, but it’s so ingrained in our beliefs that it’s hard to convince oneself otherwise. While actions such as being physically abusive or unfaithful are easy-to-spot red flags, other warning signs are less obvious but still detrimental to one’s mental health and well-being.
I always have reservations with partners who are unkind to me in moments of anger. We’ve all been harsh when angry and said things we’ve regretted, but a repetition of a certain behaviour is a pattern. If your partner is habitually cruel to you, try speaking to them about breaking the pattern. No one likes being put down and it’s important to discuss this with your partner.
Perhaps they treat you well, but treat everyone else badly. It’s important to pay attention to how your partner speaks to other people. Are they good to their friends and family? Are they kind to strangers? Are they polite to staff? If the answer to any of these is no, then call them out. Feel like you can’t? Another bright red flag is a lack of communication. One should never feel like they have to walk on eggshells around their partner out of fear of how they might react to something, especially when that something is the way you feel. There’s a reason you hear people preaching about how open communication is the key to a relationship. It’s because it’s true.
Another warning sign to look out for is if they lie to you, even about small irrelevant things. I’m extra cautious of people who feel the need to lie about little things. Lying about something big which may have drastic consequences is a cowardly thing to do but it still makes more sense to me than a white lie. White lies are told to avoid any sort of criticism, no matter how mild. Lies create suspicion and love can get ugly when it lacks trust. A partner who is often dishonest is a partner not worth having.
There are little signs that the person you’re dating isn’t fully ready to be in a relationship with you. If they constantly talk about their ex, be worried. If they constantly bad-mouth their ex, be very worried. It’s not uncommon for men to call their exes crazy. It’s the best way to avoid holding oneself accountable for their own role in the desiccation of their past relationships. Try dating someone who possesses enough self-awareness to acknowledge their faults. All of us get defensive when called out on the wrongs we do, but it’s important to think these things over and attempt to fix them. The inability to do this or the justification of bad behaviour is a bad omen for your relationship because it signifies a greater problem – a refusal to change. If you’re in a relationship with someone who cannot change, adapt or develop, the possibility of a bright future for you looks bleak. Compromise is essential. If I tell my partner I hate a part of their behaviour I find toxic and they don’t attempt to fix it, then that would be a huge concern for me. Growth is an essential part of any relationship, and I would find mine fruitless and stagnant without it.
A part of my own behaviour that I have had to work overtime on changing is my stubbornness during fights. Winning the argument should never be more important than finding a solution to a problem. As important as it is to make up with someone and find a resolution, there’s no point in saying the right thing if you can’t do the right thing. If you can’t support the weight of the words you say with your actions, don’t say them at all. Someone I dated would always say the most perfect things, except he never followed through on them with his behaviour. Once I recognised the repeated pattern of my feelings being played with, I ended our relationship and moved forward because I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t respect me.
I’m often surprised by how many people isolate themselves from their friends and family after getting into relationships. It’s crucial to stay in touch with the people who knew you before your relationship because more often than not, they’ll be able to spot red flags before you. If your partner is jealous of the amount of time you spend with your friends, they’re showing signs of insecurity and you should remind them that your relationship is formed on values of trust and respect for each other’s independence. Always be your own person first.
Red flags are basically warning signals, and the sooner you spot them, the easier it’ll be to communicate your discomfort with your partner and see where you go from there. There is so much emphasis given on being in a romantic relationship and how it’s imperative for your happiness, but none of that is true if your relationship is unhealthy, manipulative and toxic.
The life decisions you make for yourself should prioritise your well-being and while society has conditioned you to believe you need someone else to feel whole, start defeating those archaic notions by taking off your rose-coloured glasses and normalising being happy on your own.